In the Americas, Europe, Minnesota, and D.C.:
5 below zero: Italian cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping in bed with dog. Trump debates Bernie Sanders and AOC, introduces white new deal.
10 below zero: Trump’s red tie turns purple. Putin goes sunbathing at Yalta. Palm Springs freezes solid. Californians invade the Baja Peninsula. Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage. Too cold to ski. Manitobans do up the top button. New German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
15 below zero: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Koch brothers invade Venezuela. Trump discovers in Washington Times that US and Russia already had a Cold War, calls Putin on the Hot Line for advice.
20 below zero: Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you. Republicans consider doing something about the frozen homeless in D.C. Minnesotans shovel snow off their roof. Japanese cars don't start. Amazon doesn’t deliver.
25 below zero: Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door. American cars don't start. Trump opens the National Petroleum Reserve but finds out that the Koch Brothers sold it empty 10 years ago. Yukoners put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
30 below zero: Old German cars don't start. Swedish cars don't start. Tesla batteries freeze up. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk open a golf course on Mars. Strip clubs in Vegas install heated poles.
40 below zero: Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors. Ottawans shovel snow off roof. Canadians put on sweaters. Self-driving cars autonomously head South on I-95 to AIA. German Tanks in retreat from the Russian Army drive west over the English Channel. Nuclear waste is auctioned off at Yucca Mountain for home heating.
50 below zero Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. In US Senate, hot air freezes. Alaskans hear that Russian tanks have driven across the Bering Strait and decide to close the bathroom window. Trump cancels his order at McDonald’s and calls a Chinese Restaurant restaurant for Kung Pao Dragon with mobster sauce and fire breath.
60 below zero: You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water). The St Lawrence freezes over, and Canadians skate over it to request asylum in the U.S. Trump hears that Nuclear Winter is a good source of clean heat.
70 below zero: Mexicans walk South across the Rio Grande. Vancouverites disappear. Maritimers put on sweaters. Other Canadians put on overcoats. Your car helps you plan your trip South, but is frozen to the garage floor. Trump demands Hope Hicks get under the covers to serve him breakfast in bed.
80 below zero: Guatemalans and El Salvadorans stop Caravans of Republicans at their borders. Yukoners close the bathroom window. Hell gets snow flurries. Polar bears skate South on Lakeview Drive. Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game. Walleye go ice blind.
90 below zero: Republican House members put their hands in their own pockets and find a crumpled ethics clause they haven’t read since college. The Amazon freezes. Oil industry goes broke when wells freeze in ANWR. Mitch McConnell’s chin drops off.
100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start. Trump briefly considers an apology to the old lady he evicted in New Jersey. Wild beavers steal Grannie’s fur coat out of the cedar chest.
460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say, “Cold ’nuff fer ya?” Hell freezes over but now charges admission. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late. Trump releases his tax returns and tells the truth about Vladimir Putin and Mitch McConnell.
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