Cheers and Jeers is a weekday arduous slog from the great state of Maine.
Late Night Snark: Punchlines From Home Edition
"After Trump made a big deal about it not being a big deal in West Virginia, last night we found out that West Virginia is the 50th state to report a coronavirus case. So now we're all in this together. No red states or blue states, just fifty anxious pale states. This is a crisis that we have to face together…by staying as far apart as possible."
—Stephen Colbert
"Basically, for the time being, pretend you’re a British parent and everyone else in the world is your child: keep as much distance as you can, avoid physical contact at all costs, and if any one of them tries to give you a hug, reject it."
—John Oliver
Continued below, but not before advising you to check the poll options carefully…
"Right now we are living in a disaster movie in which the president is being played by Gary Busey."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“If a loaded diaper ran for office opposite this troll of a president, I would race to the polls to vote for it.”
—Samantha Bee
“Maybe the only upside to this virus is that I can now blame it for the days I stay in, talk to no one, watch movies, and eat frozen pizza.”
—Conan O’Brien
”Y’know, just be logical. Follow the CDC’s recommendations, avoid crowds, wash your hands, and don’t elect a moron president.”
—Bill Maher
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 20, 2020
Note: Due to the havoc being caused by the coronavirus, coronaviruses must remain tied up outside of Cheers and Jeers. A hitching post has been constructed for your convenience. We regret the inconvenience. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of Adopt A Ferret Month: 12
Percent of Americans who watch MSNBC most and say they're worried about the Covid-19 pandemic, according to a new YouGov/Economist poll: 74%
Percent who watch Fox News most and say they're worried about it: 38%
Rank of Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Maryland among states deemed by WalletHub to be the most aggressive in fighting Covid-19: #1, #2, #3
Amount black voters donated to Democratic presidential candidates last year, according to NBC News: $41 million
Rank of Sanders, Warren, and Buttigieg among the top recipients: #1, #2, #3
The last time Salt Lake City, Utah experienced an earthquake the size of the 5.7 one that rattled the city Wednesday: 1992
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A preview of this weekend's plans, as demonstrated by C&J's lab mix Haley…
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CHEERS to delaying the pain. A rare positive development as the Trump Plague sweeps across the land: you can put your shoebox full of receipts back in the closet:
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said Friday that the deadline for Americans to file their taxes would be moved back from April 15 to July 15. "All taxpayers and businesses will have this additional time to file and make payments without interest or penalties," Mnuchin tweeted.
Immediately after sending the tweet, Mnuchin spent the next several minutes in his office battling nausea and vomiting. The on-site physician at the Treasury Department assured him it was just a mild case of do-the-right-thing poisoning. He felt like his old self again after he was told to take two poor families and foreclose on their homes in the morning.
JEERS to pigs at the trough. Let's check in and see which stage of grief the coronavirus pandemic is in. We've gone through "Shock," and we're just now leaving "Denial." Which brings us to…
First came the social media posts, the rich showing off their fleets of SUVs—three to a family sometimes—with fresh and canned food bought in the city, announcing they were headed to their second homes out east, where they immediately ravaged every supermarket and stripped the shelves bare. Then they hit P.C. Richard & Son in Southampton to rush-order extra freezers to hoard all that food—700 orders last weekend alone. When one customer was asked what size freezer she wanted, she said, “I don’t care. It just needs to be big enough that I can hide in it.” That makes no sense, but nothing out here has made sense recently.
And...
At least two Republican senators sold hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars in stock shortly after Congress began receiving regular briefings about the outbreak of coronavirus spreading around the globe, according to several reports and reviews of financial disclosures.
Right on schedule. We've entered the Flailing Millionaires Jumping Into The Lifeboats Before Everyone Else stage. I’m told the orchestra played Nearer My Hedge Fund to Thee.
CHEERS to Spring! 'Bout effing time, huh? I don't care if we’re still up to our knees—okay, fine, due to global warming, our ankles—in snow. At exactly 11:50 ET last night, I put on my tutu, strapped on my fairy wings, slathered myself in sanitizer with a wallpaper-paste brush, went outside and partook in the annual tradition of romping barefoot through the blueberry fields with the wee village folk, being sure this year to maintain a safe social distance. After arriving back home and doing another Purell slather, we partook in our other annual spring tradition: welcoming the return of the circulation to our first toe.
CHEERS to the Nailbiter Heard Round the World. Ah, yes…I remember it like it was just 3,653 days ago tomorrow. On March 21, 2010, after a huge amount of debate, committee hearings, number-crunching and input from the entire health care and insurance industry—y'know, all the responsible governmenting the Republicans never bother doing—the Nancy Pelosi-led House passed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.
And what a collection of moments we saw...from blue dog Bart Stupak's (and recently-vanquished Illinois Rep. Dan Lipinski's) grandstanding over abortion, to the late John Dingell showing off his historic Medicare gavel, to the House leadership locking arms and walking through a canopy of teabaggers like the protagonists of The Wizard of Oz skipping down the yellow brick road, to the hecklers that created "mass hysteria" (Barney Frank's words), and finally the moment that nobody wanted to arrive because they were all having so much darn fun: the 219-212 vote shortly before midnight. There was still work to do in the Senate, but this was nothing less than historic. Today Democrats will mark the occasion with quiet reflection on a job well done (like eliminating discrimination based on pre-existing conditions), a commitment to expand and improve it, and the satisfaction of knowing signups and savings are still robust. Republicans will mark the occasion by gnawing the bark off a tree.
CHEERS to fun with math. 2 hydrogen atoms + 1 oxygen atom + the United Nations + chips ‘n dip + balloons = World Water Day party! Yes, Sunday is the 27th World Water Day, which actually isn't so much a party as it is an opportunity to remember that if we keep fucking up our water supply we're all going to end up shriveled and stupid and sick with a sink full of dirty dishes and a stinky bathroom. Their theme this year is "We cannot afford to wait. Everyone has a role to play." And with a little soap it might just save your life.
JEERS to how far we've fallen. On tomorrow's date in 1790, Thomas Jefferson reported to President Washington as America's first Secretary of State, during which he grappled with weighty and complex issues related to the debt, foreign affairs and the location of the new U.S. Capitol. Exactly one year ago, Donald Trump's second Secretary of State in less than two years held a conference call with a bunch of right-wing religious outlets to plan for The Rapture, but not before he was called a "butt boy" for a"wannabe dictator" on national TV. I had a punchline all set to go for this item, but it just walked out onto our roof and jumped.
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as weekend TV goes, everything live—Bill Maher, SNL, sports—is canceled, with the exception of the cable news shows and network Sunday morning shows. Sunday night 60 Minutes will air segments on the scientific efforts to develop an effective Covid-19 vaccine and an interview with Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis head Neel Kashkari on the likely economic impact. You can check out the new home video releases here. Marge gets a job at a weed dispensary on a new episode of The Simpsons and Larry David finally opens his spite store ("Latte Larry's") on the season finale of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm (10pm, HBO). Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
Meet the Press: We will talk to governors and members of the administration's coronavirus task force as parts of the country shut down to stop the virus' spread.
Face the Nation: American Hospital Association CEO; former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb; FedEx CEO Fred Smith; former economic weirdo Gary Cohn.
CNN's State of the Union: FEMA administrator Peter Gaynor. Rep. Stephanie Murphy (D-CA); Obama’s Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy; Virginia Medicaid director Jennifer Lee.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Dr. Marty Makary of Johns Hopkins School of Public Health.
Pace yourself as you take in the non-stop churn of news. It may be a great cure for constipation, but too much will give you brain freeze worse than Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 20, 2010
JEERS to really tight living quarters. A woman in Chicago got two census forms in the mail—one for her condo and one for her parking space. According to The Chicago Tribune, she kept the one for her condo and threw the one for the parking space out, so now a Census Poobah will be dispatched—it's the law 'n all—to check it out in person. If the lady's not home to explain, they'll just go to the spot in question and read between the lines.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the guy at the helm of the most famous bridge in space. Happy birthday to one of the greatest gifts Canada ever gave the universe: Emmy- and Golden Globe-winner William "Kirk" Shatner, who turns 89 today and keeps boppin' around like he's thirty years younger. I never watched T.J. Hooker, loved his “attorney with mad cow” Denny Crane on Boston Legal, and once in a blue moon I catch an episode of the original Star Trek series that, astonishingly, I haven't seen before, and I become a kid again. Here's a clip that hits a spectacular trifecta of bizarre American history. This is from July, 2009, when Conan O’Brien was host of The Tonight Show, Sarah Palin had just given her batty farewell address (officially becoming known as the “half-term governor of Alaska”) and, perhaps most amazing of all, Howard Dean was filling in for Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown. What Shatner brings to this clip is almost superfluous, but still brilliant:
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Sarah learned an important lesson that day: don’t bring a phaser to a photon torpedo fight.
Have a great weekend, and remember that it could be worse. I could be in your living room taking my first bagpipe lesson. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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