When divorcing my husband over a decade ago, it was shocking to see his behavior toward me and my children. I had quit my profession to care for the family and helped him to climb the ladder of success in his own career. I believed that even though we were having difficulties in our relationship, he would be concerned about providing for his children.
Not. The. Case.
He used his financial leverage and purse strings to constantly abuse all of us. He refused to make payments on our two mortgages, putting us both in default of loans after decades of excellent credit. He refused to even sign the FAFSA application for our oldest to go to college when there was no cost to him. He spent lavishly on himself, buying the best clothes and taking long vacations. We were given no allowance for clothing. My job did not pay half of his. It took two years to finalize the divorce and finally be able to control my own finances. It is an experience that taught me a great deal about narcissism...
I studied psychology in college and worked in the field, so felt I had a good handle on disorders and behaviors. But when I studied in the 80s, the diagnostic manual had no category of narcissism. In fact that was not a diagnostic category until much later. Like all personality disorders, it involves a checklist of various behaviors and an intensity scale for each. Addictions are associated with narcissism, in my experience, in that the greater the addiction the greater the intensity of narcissistic behaviors. Addiction does not need to involve substance abuse, there are many behavioral addictions as well including working, gambling, sex, eating, etc.
So during those incredibly difficult two long years, I was often dumbfounded and angry at my husband’s lack of concern for our children and his reckless abuse, financially and otherwise. I would call my friends during ARGH moments to avoid taking it out at home. It made no sense at all! But now I know that I committed the most egregious act: I burst his bubble of significance. I dared to criticize his perfectly fine behaviors, not only to his face but publicly. His (false) identity of a really great guy was being questioned, and that was unacceptable!
So here we are today... another narcissist with the purse strings is showing no concern for those in his care, and we keep wondering what we need to do to make him ‘get it’. Well I suggest that he will NEVER get it, and we need to act accordingly and take back our power and our financial control as soon as possible.
Thank goodness for our having control of the House. We need to ask congress to leverage that to the fullest extent possible. Create specific laws and rules for each expenditure or they will be abused and not followed. Expect it. He will never compromise. He does not care about us. He would be perfectly fine losing large populations in those “3 states with 50% of the infected” because those states did not vote for him. We are in this alone and need to act like it.
*if you believe you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse (which hello if you live in the US you qualify), I encourage you to check out MelanieToniaEvans.com. Her work in quantum freedom has made an enormous impact on my personal healing and ability to reclaim my life. There is a reason we need to learn these lessons. Once we can see clearly the disease we can better avoid it in the future. Some lessons are extremely difficult, and this will be one of them... my heart goes out to all of you <3. Stay well.