Coronavirus Response Master Class
Take note, National Book Awards.
Continued…
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 2, 2020
Note: PolitiFact rates this note False. In response, this note rates PolitiFact’s rating Pants-On-Fire. Up next: a giant virtual street brawl on Zoom. Your service may be briefly interrupted.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Carrot Day: 2
Portion of Americans surveyed by Civiqs who say they're leaving the house only for exercise or to buy essentials: 2-in-3
Portion of Americans who are or soon will be under orders to stay indoors: 3-in-4
Percent of Americans who believe lockdown restrictions are necessary: 90%
States that have yet to hold their presidential primaries: 23
The last year that oil prices were as low as they are now: 2002
Portion of Americans, according to NPR, who believe the sun revolves around the earth: 1-in-4
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Ann Richards says one of her frustrations with the Texas legislature is that boys are taught from early on to win—and when someone wins, someone else loses.
Richards thinks girls are socialized to find win/win solutions. My favorite example is what any smart mom does when there are two kids and one cookie. The first kid gets to divide the cookie, and the second kid gets first pick of the halves. You can generally count on the moms of the world to find solutions where nobody loses.
To my mind, while [Bill] Clinton is not batting a thousand (he’s barely batting .500), he deserves bonus points for taking on the toughest problems. We’re looking at twelve years’ worth of domestic problems that have been allowed to fester without action, and he’s the spoon that’s stirring the pot in Washington. He apparently just never counted on whatever is in that pot in Washington becoming more like cement than soup.
—August, 1993
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Day 25…
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CHEERS to real leadership. So what's going on here in the great state of Maine, you ask? Oh, not much. We're dealing with the pandemic, same as you, with the added task of dropping to our knees five times a day to thank God that mini-Trump Paul LePage isn't at the helm anymore. Instead of a governor dividing his time between dithering, blaming immigrants, and going on obscenity-laden tirades against anyone who disagrees with him, Janet Mills, a lady person Democrat, is getting things done calmly and competently, but emphatically:
Gov. Janet Mills announced a statewide stay-at-home order starting Thursday, restricting Mainers’ movement and activities as health officials attempt to limit the spread of coronavirus in the state. … Maine had 303 confirmed cases of the COVID-19 disease caused by coronavirus as of Tuesday as well as five deaths, including two new deaths.
“The virus will continue to sicken people across our state. Our cases will only grow and more people will die. I say this just to be direct and to be honest as I can with you because saving lives will depend on all of us. … I beg people of Maine to be patient and tolerant and act with kindness and compassion and humanity to your neighbors and your family friends,your friends and your community members across the state."
Happy to say I'm doing my part to buck up morale by standing on our balcony every evening and announcing to the neighbors that I will not be singing opera. The applause is deafening.
JEERS to the ditherer in chief. All Trump had to do to secure his place in the history books as a great leader during a crisis—literally the only thing—was to focus the full power of the federal government on getting hospitals whatever they needed and get people tested for COVID-19. It was within his power. It would've boiled down to three words: "Do it now." But no. He had to golf. And do his hate rallies. And exact revenge on his enemies. And claim the death toll would peak at 15. And now here we are. And here he is—Buchanan, Harding and Nixon all rolled into one colossal bad person dripping with indifference, ignorance, and corruption:
More voters say the Trump administration isn’t doing enough to combat the coronavirus outbreak, according to a new POLITICO/Morning Consult poll. … 47 percent of voters feel the administration isn’t doing enough in response to the outbreak, [up 4 points and] greater than the 40 percent who feel the administration is doing the right amount.
[T]wo Democratic polls conducted in recent days—from Navigator and Daily Kos/Civiqs—show more respondents say they disapprove of the way Trump is handling the situation then in surveys conducted last week. That is despite Trump's previous polling bounce, as some Democratic and independent voters rallied behind him during the early days of the crisis.
The reverse-bounce during what should be his moment of glory has sent campaign manager Brad Parscale scrambling to find a new winning slogan so he can salvage his boss’s reelection chances. So far his notepad has "TRUMP 2020: HEY, BE GLAD IT'S NOT ERIC" surrounded by vodka stains.
CHEERS to Java Jim. 191 years ago this week, James Carrington of Connecticut patented the coffee mill, a towering structure in which an army of starving orphans was forced to grind the beans by beating them with rocks 16 hours a day while chained to chairs in hot, cramped, windowless rooms. No, wait, sorry, that was Wilbur Ross's idea. Carrington patented a wooden box with a crank on top and a little drawer at the bottom. Or as Wilbur calls it: "No fun at all."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Charles Hall. He patented aluminum 131 years ago today. And made the world safe for paranoids everywhere:
An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers.
AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don't mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.
Remember, bunker dwellers and Trump rally droolers: shiny side out!
CHEERS to nighttime sparklies. Now I know why our moon and all the planets and stars in the galaxy practice safe social distancing from us: we're crazy!!! But that can't stop the universe's most obnoxious parasites—that would be us, kids—from gazing up and marveling at all the conquering we have yet to do. The elves at NASA always let us in on the big celestial events for the month, and here’s a look at April’s skywatching tips, including the ongoing planetpalooza and a peek at the perplexing "moon illusion":
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And remember: if you're sharing binoculars or a telescope, be sure to wipe 'em down before you pass 'em to the person six feet from you. Or else the ghost of Copernicus will come down while you're sleeping and give you a purple nurple.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 2, 2010
CHEERS to green shoots—and, for a change, I'm not referring to spring flowers. The Labor Department delivered a bit of good news today: 162,000 people found jobs last month, and the unemployment rate again stayed just under the dreaded ten percent level. But the usual caveats apply: We're not out of the woods yet, we're still facing a headwind, there will still be bumps in the road, anything can happen, it took us years to get in this mess and it'll take years to get us out, and "Disaster In Rear View Mirror Is Closer Than It Appears." So no happy dances just yet. Well, on second thought...I suppose a few moments of irrationally exuberant lambada won't hurt anything.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the sounds of our lives. The Library of Congress has added another 25 works to its National Recording Registry, a list of audio bon mots that ranges from “Russ Hodges’ thrilling play-by-play of the National League tiebreaker between the New York Giants and the Brooklyn Dodgers" circa 1951 and The Village People's Y.M.C.A., to Tina Turner’s 1984 album Private Dancer and Allan Sherman’s 1963 comedy hit Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh.
“The National Recording Registry is the evolving playlist of the American soundscape. It reflects moments in history captured through the voices and sounds of the time,” said Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden.
“We received over 800 nominations this year for culturally, historically or aesthetically significant recordings to add to the registry. As genres and formats continue to expand, the Library of Congress is committed to working with our many partners to preserve the sounds that have touched our hearts and shaped our culture.”
Under the terms of the National Recording Preservation Act of 2000, the Librarian, with advice from the Library’s National Recording Preservation Board (NRPB), is tasked with annually selecting 25 titles that are “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” and are at least 10 years old.
You can see all the entries going back to the Registry's beginning in 2002 here. Failing to make the list for the 18th year in a row: "Bill in Portland Maine Belches the Alphabet." I have one word for this election system: Rigged!!!
Have a tolerable Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
What's Great About Bill in Portland Maine Is How Pompously Bad At Everything He Is
—Wonkette
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