Dear God:
When you ignored the National Day of Prayer to stop COVID-19, I didn’t understand why you thumbed your nose at all those Christians—especially the orange one that evangelicals claim you made president. Then it occurred to me that deep-down you’re a serial killer. I mean, look how many millions you killed in biblical times! Still you have to abide by your pesky promise not to kill everyone again, like you did with the great flood. Now I get it. You can’t totally rid yourself of your urge. That’s why you—the creator of all things—made the bubonic plague, the Spanish flu, and COVID-19.
Even so, I know you have a good side too. Therefore, I’d like to suggest you use Dexter as your guide. In fact, before I continue, go binge-watch the entire Dexter series. I’ll wait. . . .
Are you done? Good. Did you see how Dexter followed a code and channeled his urges by killing only those who deserved it? Now I pray for you to do the same thing. With your new COVID-19 toy it’s gonna be easy! Keep it away from all the doctors and nurses, who are putting their lives on the line. Also keep it away from essential workers, like those working in grocery stores, and protect those of us who are unselfishly staying at home, practicing social distancing.
Don’t fret. There are still thousands of people who have volunteered to be COVID-19 victims. Perhaps you saw them on Florida beaches or at state capitals around the country—some carried Trump banners, some carried Confederate flags, some carried guns, and still others chanted “Lock her up!” All of them were practically begging for your vengeance. Oh, and don’t forget the leaders who encouraged them.
Let me close by acknowledging that you are a jealous God. If you answer my prayer, I will do everything in my power, as an author, to publicize that you, not Darwin, should get credit for sending those COVID-19 volunteers on the early train to hell. How’s that for a win-win?
Amen
- Bio: Marty Essen is a college speaker and the multi-award-winning author of five humorous political books, including the Amazon #1 best-sellers in political humor Time Is Irreverent and Time Is Irreverent 2: Jesus Christ, Not Again! He is currently practicing social distancing, sequestered in his writing room, working on book six.