A Report from Future Me
I had a conversation today with future me. To be honest, there might have been some single malt Scotch Whiskey involved, and some of the details of the conversation are a bit fuzzy. However, future me looked older and was wearing futuristic clothes and a really cool face mask, so I think this probably happened just like I explain below.
There was one of those extended psychedelic special effects thingies happening in front of me and then there I was, talking to me. It was really disconcerting. Those bags under my eyes are looking like entire luggage carts. Anyway…
Future me introduced himself, “Hi, I’m you only older and better.”
Current Me: Um…
Future Me: Don’t you have any questions? And close your mouth, you aren’t wearing a mask.
Current Me: What?
Future Me: I don’t remember me being this slow. C’mon, get with the program. I don’t have long. There’s a whole space time continuum warping thing going on here.
Current Me: Er… What happens to tRump?
Future Me: Oh, you’ll like this. After he was escorted kicking and screaming from the White House on January 20th, 2021, he was immediately arrested. Prosecuting attorneys from 26 states, Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia fought over who got first crack at him (The Feds didn’t charge him till later in the month after, Attorney General Harris put together a 7,463 count indictment).
The Prosecuting attorneys successfully petitioned for his immediate incarceration as an imminent flight risk. They were also able to confiscate his phone because of the high tweet risks involved.
It took a few years, but he was convicted on all counts in all venues, except for one charge brought in DC about toilet paper hoarding during the pandemic as he was able to prove he had a long-standing history of extraordinary needs. He was convicted of everything from child endangerment to mass murder; from fraud to more fraud; from obstruction to conspiracy1; and for being super-icky2.
All of his properties were siezed from the Russian oligarchs he was fronting for and repurposed to house asylum seekers (after being extensively upgraded to meet health and safety standards). Melania divorced him, but was forced to support herself by signing nude pictures of herself from her pre-tRump days at the few remaining maga gun conventions.
Ivanka and Uday are still in jail. Usay was killed by police while trying to stage a tiger hunt at the Columbus Zoo.
tRump only lived for a couple of whiny years after being convicted. He never repented and never admitted any wrongdoing. The coroner’s report says he choked to death on his own words. He is buried in the tRump Memorial Urinatorium and Manure Processing Facility. All visitor fees support the SPLC.
And yes, you did tick that item off your bucket list. At lot of people shared your dream. The SPLC has been kicking some serious bigot ass.
Current Me: What about McConnell?
Future Me: Convicted of corruption with his wife. All their assets were confiscated. He died in prison.
Current Me: Stephen Miller?
Future Me: Went to work for Breitbart until he accidentally blew himself as part of a plot to destroy a Taco Truck.
Current Me: Jared?
Future Me: Convicted of corruption and had all family assets seized. Was beaten to death by the rest of the Kushner family before he could report to prison.
Current Me: Gym Jordan?
Future Me: Lost his reelection bid. Arrested for severely beating a male prostitute. Still in jail.
Current Me: Hannity?
Future Me: After the total collapse of the Murdoch empire from the COVID-19 lawsuits, a broken and disgraced Hannity found work as an elephant enclosure cleaner at the Bronx Zoo. He ended up suffocating to death after he got to close to an elephant doing its business.
Current Me: Wait? What? Fox is gone?
Future Me: Yep. They got sued by the families of all the Fox viewers who caught the virus. All the hosts who pushed the hoax theory were co-defendants. They judgements pauperized them all. Bloomberg bought up all the assets for pennies and started the Future Matters Newwork.
Current Me: Ingraham?
Future Me: She got a job in a sleazy massage parlor. Still there as far as I know.
Current Me: Pirro?
Future Me: Drank herself to death with cooking sherry.
Look, I’ve only got a few seconds left before the physics of time reasserts itself.
Is there anything else?
Current Me: Oh. Oh. Yes. What're the next huge Pick 6 winning numbers?
Future Me: Silence.
Well, that’s it. The next thing I knew the psychedelic special effect came back and I was alone again. I really hope Future Me wasn’t just messing with my head.
1Conspiracy is what they charge you with when you collude
2One of the first laws passed by the new Congress made political super-ickiness into a class 3 felony.
MCUBernieFan did the GNR honors today: Good News Roundup Thursday 4-23-20