Donald tRump has a potty mouth. So do a lot of people. But, he’s the freaking rezident president1 of the United States. Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon, famously were crude behind the scenes. We know tRump is crude in front of the cameras and, reportedly, viciously obscene behind them. While administration insiders opine that tRump smells of unwiped ass, BenGay™ and paco robanne One Million™2, the most strikingly offensive physical thing about him is his breath. It turns out that 70 plus years of extravagant potty mouth has left him with a horrendous case of toilet breath. His concentrated breath is the most potent (and only potent) thing about him. His breath has been known to knock buzzards off shit wagons and republican politicians off topic.
Unnamed senior administration officials have suggested that tRump has an ulterior motive for touting the idea of injecting Lysol™. Speaking anonymously, Kellyanne dished away, “As long as you are several rooms away, it’s not so bad. But, those in person meetings are horrible. It’s not about fake news anymore; it’s about fart news. As in, we wish someone would let out a real stinker and give us some relief from the rancid air quality that surrounds tRump. It wouldn’t be so bad if he’d just shut up. The problem is he loves to hear himself talk. Pompeo and Barr are living on broccoli, chili, hard boiled eggs and stale beer just so they have a fighting chance in their one-on-one meetings.” She went on, “Most of us keep rotten eggs at our desks, so we’ll be at least partially nose blind whenever we have to be around him. Some of those rolled eyes are not because of what he’s said; it’s because we are about to pass out from the fumes from being next to him.”
Lindsey Graham was recently caught on a hot mike saying, “The reason I kiss his ass so much is because it keeps me away from his breath (and I like kissing asses).”
In recent months all this has been exacerbated by the rapidly rising level of tRumpian fear sweat. Impeachment, and now imbleachment3, have pushed his anal scent gland production of mercaptans (aka thiols) through the roof. Unlike skunks, who can spray the content of their glands at threatening adversaries, tRump just sweats it out continuously while yammering nonsense and generally wasting everyone’s time.
In order to prep tRump for any bilateral meetings, his handlers have resorted to putting him through full nuclear/biologic/chemical decontamination procedures, covering him in a thick blanket of heavy duty extra-strength Odor Eaters™, troweling on a pore closing reagent, submerging him in antiperspirant and hooking up a powerful exhaust fan to suck out anything that’s still exuding.
Dr. Fauci is supposedly skipping briefings because no matter how much Vick’s Vaporub™ he slathers under his nose, the eww de tRump still worms its way through. There is a new research effort underway to determine if tRump’s stench can be bottled and used to burn out unwanted nose hair. Clinical trials have, so far, shown that the cure is worse than the disease.
When reached for comment, Chuck Todd said (in an apparent attempt to gain literary notoriety), “He exudes the pure essence of putrefaction. Being around him is like being in a field of blossoming corpse flowers. The reason we haven’t reported on this is our corporate rule of maintaining quasi-plausible bothsiderism. Since democrats don’t stink, except Lipinski and Gabbard, we aren’t allowed to talk about the pervasive and overwhelming reek of tRump.”
Some part of tRump’s lizard brain must know he stinks. We think it’s why he brought up the idea of injecting a disinfectant is to try to get a handle on his halitosis from hell and then some. It’s obvious he doesn’t give a damn about curing COVID-19. He hasn’t done anything to make getting through the pandemic easier. All he’s done is claim credit for what the governors, the private sector, the scientists, the WHO and the few competent people left in his administration have managed to accomplish. He’s just upset the Hope and Kayleigh are enforcing a strict 20 foot social distancing separation from him. He can’t grope them unless he gets them within range and he’s too unstable on those elevator shoes to run anyone down.
1I still cringe every time I say this.
2Paco robanne One Million has been described as, “… made me think of 70 year old grannies…from 30 years ago wearing cheapie floral perfume. … It was the most hideous floral rose smell in a man's fragrance I've ever smelt” We think tRump prefers it because he thinks it makes him smell like a million.
3Hat tip to my friend Susan.
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