Save the Republican Children
Everyday in upscale neighborhoods and rural communities all around the nation republican children are going to bed without exposure to open-minds or critical thinking. That’s why we are announcing the formation of a new 401(c) charity to combat this scourge on the soul of America. Today we are proud to announce the formation of Save the Republican Children™.
The statistics are heart wrenching. Across the United States, more than 14 million children, or 1 in 5, grow up in republican families. When you focus on children in rural America, that number jumps to 1 in 4. Through our education, protection and emergency programs, we hope to reach 160 thousand kids in 2019 alone. Friends don’t let friends grow up to be republicans.
We hear this story over and over, “My dad is such a heartless bastard. He doesn’t care about anyone or anything. He’s my hero. He let’s me watch when he beats mom for serving dinner late. I want to grow up to be just like him.” We need to work to stamp out republicanism in our lifetimes.
These kids are being doomed to repeat the shallow empty lives of their parents. It’s a viscious cycle and it needs to end now. Just listen to some of their stories:
Little Timmy, in Austin says, “My dad, Alex, is going to let me eat people. I hope we cook them first. I don’t like raw stuff.”
Daniel, from Lexington, told us, “My dad, Matt, infected all nine of us with measles. He’s going to do it with COVID-19 next. And then we’re going to go shoot some socialists and immigrants so we can make America great again. My dad is gonna make Kentucky safe for good people.”
Bridget, in New Jersey, explained, “My dad, Chris, says we don’t need old people or people with pre-existing conditions because they just waste resources. My dad is pretty old (like 50 something) and fat. I’m going to miss him.”
Sarah, who hails from Nashville, said, “My dad, Bill, taught us that it’s ok to kill them, but only after they are born and you make sure they aren’t white.”
Baron, a New York City native, was oddly reflective, “I know my dad, Don, is pretty much evil incarnate, but too stupid to hide it. I’m already horribly embarrassed by him and am planning to change my name as soon as I legally can. I’m never going to be as dumb as dad or my siblings.”
We hear hundreds of stories like these every day. It’s why we want to Keep Angry Republicans Miles Away From Instilling Grandiose Hereditary Targeted Sociopathy By Activating Children’s Keen Ability To Help And Tolerate Everyone. No one should grow up in an environment filled with bigotry, hatred and black socks with sandals.
Our sponsorship program will give a child growing up in a republican family in America the opportunity for a brighter future. Sponsorship directly benefits a sponsored child’s community, ensuring access to a quality education and the opportunity to grow in a nurturing environment.
Thanks to the generosity of donors like you, we will help the nation’s most republican children become ready for kindergarten – and excel by third grade – so they can succeed in school and in life. Plus our teams will be there before, during and after emergencies – preparing children, protecting them and helping them cope with the stigma of republican parents.
Save the republican Children believes every republican child deserves a future. Since our founding over 100 minutes ago, we’ve changed the lives of no children yet. In the United States we will give republican children a healthy start in life, the opportunity to learn and protection from bigotry and hate. We will do whatever it takes for republican children – every day and in times of crisis – to transform their lives and the future we share
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