In our never-ending search for products that will make your life easier, we’ve come across the must have app of the year so far.
tRumpAway™
Is Donald tRump on your last nerve?
Does the sound of his voice make you cringe?
Does seeing that smarmy, self-satisfied smirk of his make you throw up a little?
Does trying to understand what he’s saying give you a throbbing headache?
If you answered yes to any of these questions are one of the dozens of people that is unfortunate enough to forced to see him in person, we have a solution for you.
Introducing tRumpAway™ the new app designed specifically to repel Donald tRump. With this app running on your cell phone or tablet device, tRump is guaranteed to leave the room like his pants are on fire. Ok, maybe not pants on fire — he’s really used to that, but like he’s supposed to have a policy meeting with Nancy Pelosi. He’ll run and you’ll get some blessed relief from his incessant babbling.
tRump has long been a bane to the proper function of government, business and life in general. In the USA we’ve been particularly hard hit by this scourge. With the introduction of tRumpAway™ we are working very hard to remove this impediment to the well-being of all Americans.
Are you a reporter sentenced to attend the daily coronavirus briefings? Just activate this app whenever tRump enters the room and you’ll get almost instant blessed relief.
Are you a business owner tRump is using as a prop for a demeaning photo op? tRumpAway™ can make the whole experience go away.
Perhaps you are a corporate executive that is no longer comfortable supporting a malignant narcissist with delusions of grandeur and bad makeup?
You might be a farmer who has seen his livelihood disappear because of his stupid tariff war.
Or just some poor slob forced to attend a tRump gathering by your tRump loving boss?
No matter the reason, we have the solution — tRumpAway™
Based on secret voice throwing techniques from master ventriloquists, tRumpAway™ will allow you to create convincing debilitating coughs all around the Donald. Test runs with former chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, as the source of the coughs, led to Mulvaney’s ouster. And this was before the advent of CODVID-19.
Just turn the app on whenever tRump enters the room and delight as he waddles towards the exit as fast as his tiny cloven hooves can carry him. For extra added fun, get several of your co-sufferers to run the app on their phones too. The resulting cacophony of coughing will be sure to cause an embarrassing bladder leak and high speed waddle.
tRumpAway™ comes complete with several disturbing coughs: the tuberculosis hack; the smoker’s raspy cough; the stifled half cough; the drunken phlegm clearer; the head cold that won’t go away; and the damn dude, that doesn’t sound good. Each and every one is guaranteed to freak tRump out.
tRumpAway™ is fully compatible with Android, iPhone and for some mysterious reason old Texas Instruments calculators and rotary dial phones.
tRumpAway™ is available at Amazon, Walmart, fine retailers, not so fine retailers, street vendors and the guy with all the watches in his coat.
We have designed a companion product for keeping Mike Pence well outside any social distancing limits you care to set. Introducing the handy PenceOff™ social distancing shirt. Mike will just back away at a rapid pace every time he sees one of these.
Bonus archive photos:
It’s day two of the Evening Shade readership drive. If you spread the word and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive a very special noprize of a personalized meme. So get busy and start proselytizing!
Jessiestaff started the week off for us: Monday Good News Roundup
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