My mother, 88 years old, passed away this morning at 4:00 a.m. She had really bad Alzheimer’s and Lupus and had been in a nursing home in Kentucky for three years. I live in Connecticut and would go down to see her about twice a year for usually a week each time. Her nursing home was located in the town where my two siblings live so we would FaceTime a lot while my sister was visiting her. FaceTime allowed my Momma to enjoy me walking her around my house and yard but her eyes especially lit up seeing my dogs and cat or vegetable garden. I saw her in-person most recently this past February. She always knew who we all were yet would say that she had been shopping that morning with her sister who had passed away ten years ago. She asked if my father was cooking for me while I was visiting there. My father passed away three years ago. My mother had been very happy in the nursing home and never had any complaints. She was always in a good mood unless she caught you trying to sneak away her morning paper.
My mother took a real bad turn last week as her kidneys stopped functioning and her body basically started shutting down. The nursing home allows absolutely no visitors. Yet they were allowing my brother and sister to visit which told me how bad my mother was doing.
I called my doctor who said in these exact words that it would be “extremely dangerous” for me to go down there and he “strongly recommended against it”. I am still recovering from some health issues from last year and currently scheduled for some chest x-rays. If I flew, it would be three airports, rental car, gas stations, restaurants, and a motel. I would not want to stay at my brother or sister’s houses. Out-of-staters in Kentucky are supposed to self-quarantine for fourteen days. I am not supposed to leave Connecticut except in emergencies. I would consider this an emergency. If I drive, then it’s two days on the road with gas stations, restaurants, a motel on the road and then a motel once I arrive. With my age and health issues, I know I should stay here. I’ve been in self-quarantine for about eight weeks now. I order and pay for groceries online and pick them up curbside. I get the mail and newspaper with paper towels and throw them all on the porch for three or four days. I’m doing the best I can. Yet living in a hot spot, I could be carrying or picking up Covid 19 on the way down to expose many family members.
Yet it’s my mother. My momma. A best friend. She has always been there for me and my biggest supporter though-out my life. I love her with all my heart. I know for a fact that she would tell me not to come.
I checked with the funeral home where she will be taken. They will strictly enforce only ten people in for her service. She comes from a very large family. They can live video on Facebook, both the service and burial. They also do drive-by viewings but my siblings and I agreed no on that one.
My head says to stay here, my heart tells me to go. I pace around the house looking out windows and also just go stand in my yard looking at nothing in particular. It’s a decision that I never ever thought I would have to make. Last Thursday and Friday she was able to mouth the words “I love you” while looking directly at me on FaceTime. Since then she had only stared if she was able to open her eyes at all. I am not able to see or visit any friends, neighbors or family other than my spouse following our state guidelines. So you are my online family.
This was the only photograph of her that was handy. She is sitting and holding hands with my deceased father. I believe this is from the late 1970s, maybe early 1980s. I am happy my father and her mother greeted her. Her mother passed away when she was only four years old. It has always bothered me that she never knew her mother.
Writing this helps to grieve a bit and hopefully help someone else going through the same thing to know that they are not alone. I could never imagine something like this happening where I would have to decide on whether to go to my own mother’s funeral or not. But it has. I must deal with it the best that I can and move forward as I have no other choice.
I don’t know what to do. As of right now ………
I will put on a suit and tie to watch my mother’s funeral online and just for her I’ll make sure my shoes are well polished.