“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.”
--H. P. Lovecraft
I work in a fear-based industry, and I enjoy my job; sometimes perhaps a little too much. Serving some deserving bonehead with a truly righteous pleading is always a pleasure, and the look on their faces is somewhat akin to the proverbial deer in the headlights. Having done this for a while, I know that the anger that they’re showing isn’t anger. It’s fear.
We’re all dealing with lot of fear on a daily basis nowadays. 100,000 dead so far from the pandemic in the US, the economy in shambles, financial worries, the most inept and corrupt government since Lord knows when: we don’t know what’s going to happen next, the list is endless. It’s how we deal with that fear that keeps us going, or, alternatively, hunkered down like a rabbit listening to baying hounds.
We like to think of people as rational, and for the most part most of us are much of the time. It’s when irrationality is running amok that dumbassery rises to the fore.
So when I see people doing things which can be only referred to as dumbassery, I know it’s mostly false bravado, a noisy reaction to bad things, and above all, it’s fear. They want the normal that was taken away from them by uncontrollable events. And the less sophisticated or subject to outside influences that individual is, the more fear they are likely to have. That’s one reason cults work so well in recruiting and retaining their membership: simple answers to dispel the fear. We’ll do your thinking for you!
One of the many advantages that we have currently over many of our low-information fellow citizens is access to decent reliable information, not just second-hand electronic bar-talk, the President, or Fox News. And information is a weapon that can be turned on the dumbasses we encounter on a daily basis. The inelegant term for this is mind-f***ing.
For instance, there were studies in India and China that speculated that the Covid-19 virus tended to linger in men’s testicles. There were a spate of stories earlier this year on the topic. If you’re pleasantly chatting with some unmasked fool, that’s a nice little tidbit that you can let drop. That will touch them where they live. Watch their reaction. And be sure to tell them it’s only a theory.
Is someone crowding you at the store? The answer to one is easy and has already been personally tested: Turn around, give them a pleasant nod and apologize because you have really bad gas. Again, science has speculated that people could, in theory, catch the virus from flatulence. (Of course the addressee of the virus-bearing wind would have to be at, shall we say, point-blank range of an uncovered pair of buttocks).
Think of the pleasant conversations you can have with people, especially if you speak with a little sincerity and authority. After all, we mean well!
And of course for the scatologically-challenged, there the possibility of transmission of Covid-19 through human waste. One of the methods of tracing the spread of the virus, surprisingly, is through wastewater treatment facilities. It’s true! It’s also a method used to trace opioid use in communities.
See all the happy little chats you can have with dumbasses! And remember, they’re all based on working scientific hypotheses. For the dumbasses that’s tantamount to witchcraft or bad juju.
Probably the worst thing that I can possibly do to anyone is make them think. Once that first seed of doubt is planted, perceptions tend to change. My poor victim is now likely to be sailing on unfamiliar waters. What was normal, what was acceptable, what was even comfortable, isn’t normal, acceptable, or comfortable any more.
And that really makes people uncomfortable.
Ed. Note: My friend and Good News Roundup colleague NotNowNotEver writes an excellent column of snark and satire to which I occasionally contribute called Evening Shade. He writes:
The readership drive continues. I’ve lost track of the days (it’s eighteen) and I’ve only had to make two memes so far. You can make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
Evening Shade posts at 4:30 Pacific Daylight Time: Take a peek! No pressure!
And thanks for continuing to read From the Dumbass Files— it’s a pleasure to write!