I had a text conversation today with one of my dearest friends of 32 years that gutted me. What started in my mind as an intended lighthearted conversation immediately turned serious, because it was weighing on his heart. It ripped my own heart out because in his opening response, I could clearly sense his fear and pain, not only for himself, but for his son. Fear of what? Fear of simply being a Black man in America.
The murder of both Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd in such rapid-fire succession has rocked the Black community; a community that suffers daily under fear, abuse, and constant horror of dehumanization by whites, law enforcement, businesses. I just….I can’t even begin to pretend to know what it must be like to live that way. I just know that for the first time in over 30 years, we had what I feel was a genuine and heartfelt conversation about this situation and it really opened my eyes. I love him and his son much too much to not have taken it to heart and frankly I know I am NOT doing nearly enough to stem this tide. This tide that brings wave after horrifying wave that crashes over the Black community, drowning their voices and their humanity and dignity.
It MUST STOP. We need to LISTEN. We need to ACT as white folk. Step up. Speak up. ACT.
I want to share our conversation and asked for permission to do so. I wasn’t certain if I should have screen captured the texts or created a text box like I’ve done, but if community feedback is such that they would prefer the screen captures, I will add them. I am certain I probably said some stupid things, but this is part of me owning that and trying to come from a place of love and support for my friend.
ME:
Hey babe! How are you holding up? Wanted to check in with you! I am driving in my car singing along to Peabo Bryson.
HIM:
Hey love! My head is spinning right now! So much going in the world, especially with my fellow brothers life being snuffed out with no accountability. I worry about son whenever he’s away from me.
ME:
K***, I am absolutely sick to my stomach about what happened and continues to happen to African-American folks in this country. The one thing I cannot do is pretend that I understand because I am a white man who has enjoyed a tremendous amount of privilege and I know it. However, I am absolutely fucking over other white folk not acknowledging that privilege and constantly doing stupid shit to deny it. Like that asshole woman calling the cops on a birdwatcher and being recorded saying OUTRIGHT that she would use his race against him. I am ashamed many times to be white because of shit like that.
And I wish I didn’t have to say to you that you should be worried about your son and his safety when there are people just like that out there who will make it difficult for him to just live his life. At what point do we all as Americans stand up and stop what is happening in this country? The rise in hate crimes, the rise in abuse of minorities, the dismissal of basic human rights. I am afraid for all of us right now. Just know this: I love you and I will do whatever is necessary to protect you and others as long as I have a breath in my body and I’m able to do so.
HIM:
Brian, if you could see the hurt on my son’s face when I have to tell him how he has to be mindful of white racists who would not think twice about taking his life. My son is so innocent and only sees good in people. But now he’s forced to move differently in the world. But I don’t want him to be crippled by this fear but rather empowered by it. I appreciate and love you for being so supportive.
ME:
You mean the world to me, and I will not tolerate any abuse of anyone I love in my sphere. That includes calling people out. And I want your son to see positive affirmations of relationships between black and white people. I want him to know that there are those who cherish and love him despite the assholes of the world. I wish that I could hug both of you right now.
And I want you to know something else although it may seem like a strange comment: you have every right to be angry with white people, and that includes me. There is only so much that you or anyone can take when it comes to shit like oppression and fear. I am ashamed and yet I don’t know how to fix this. I know that I can only do my part and pray it makes some difference.
HIM:
Brian, I know you and your heart. You’ve been WOKE and aware. And I know for a fact you will check any type of racist injustice or any type of injustice taking place in your life. But it’s when other white people don’t call out other white people on their racist behavior and more importantly take responsibility in the role they play in ending racism. White people who sit in silence, become complicit in crimes committed against people of color…
ME:
100% agree. It was NEVER enough for white folk to claim to not be racist. It is in the taking of action and the reaction to others by calling it out and stopping it in its tracks that will slow and halt this ugliness. I admit I don’t do enough of this K***. I dislike my country right now and the power and voice currently given to hate. We are on a horrible path.
HIM:
Yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly when state that as a country, we’re on a horrible path. Because we’ve tip toed around this other pandemic known as racism, karma is now upon us.
ME:
Yes it is. And the piper will be paid in one way or another sadly. I ask this with all humility and respect: What do you and your brothers and sisters need from me? If you had request that I could make happen or facilitate, what do you think that would look like? For you, or for the AA community at large as your ally?
HIM:
I would ask people from your community to be understand African Americans have had to exist for over 400 years in place of trauma that’s been passed down from generation to generation. That every time we step outside our home, we have to arm ourselves against racism aimed at us on a daily basis. Where we have to witness our brother and sisters human rights are violated and their lives snuffed out before our very eyes by police officers with no accountability. Don’t call upon the African American community when you need our support when there’s an election. Stand up and speak out against injustice inflicted upon African American people on a daily basis. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, white America would have been calling on African Americans for our support, as opposed to cowardly standing on the sidelines because it’s not one of their son’s or daughter’s that day who unnecessarily lost their life. It’s not the sole responsibility of African Americans to dismantle racism. Racism was created and left to fester by people who look like you, not me. Now it seems, it’s us “African Americans” who have to take on this battle alone. Where’s the respect for humanity and human life?
The White Community needs to hold each other accountable when human life has been violated.
ME:
No, K***, African Americans most certainly DID NOT create racism and it IS NOT your responsibility to dismantle and heal it. It is solely upon our shoulders as white folk who created this mess to clean this shit up. Your people are the victims of centuries of this at the hands of those who talk a good game about fixing it and fighting it, but all that has really happened is that it was pushed under the surface and the can kicked down the road for another time and another generation to handle. I think this is because we white folk frankly are unsure just HOW to fix the mess we’ve made, and so we let it fester which just perpetuates the inhumanity. I for one am not proud of that legacy and I continue to do my part to shut it down when and where I see it. But that in and of itself is an issue because I live in a world of white privilege that insulates and isolates me so often from the day to day struggles that you face and your brothers and sisters face. This is why I ask you to help me in this small way: continue to help me be aware so that I may fight alongside you and for you. Know I may ask stupid questions sometimes but understand it is in the spirit of learning and processing so that I can be the best ally I can be for you.
I love you K***. Nothing, not skin color, not the miles between us, will ever change that. I am here…