We’ve gotten our hands on the prospectus for a new tRump family venture.
Donald tRump’s Manly Man Cowering Bunkers
New from tRump, the brand you worship
Hello America. It’s me, your favorite president. I know you’ve been listening to me talking about how radical liberal democrats and socialists in Crazy Nancy’s House are obstructing justice by not letting us send Muslim antifa terrorists back to the shithole countries they came from. Our brave ICE troopers are working around the clock to protect you from the Muslims and Jews and antifas and Catholic traitors who are standing between you and my vision for a whiter America.
Those people are scary and we have to do something about them. I’ve directed Attorney General Barr to take control of the military and fire all the traitor generals so we can put soldiers on the street to keep you safe. Until that happens, I have a solution for you.
The other day when I wandered downstairs to inspect the White House presidential bunker, I said to myself, I shouldn’t be the only patriotic white American with a bunker. I called Don Jr and Eric and we decided to launch a new tRump business — tRump Bunkers. It's a way for you to be safe from not-white people and turncoat radical democrat protestors.
Every tRump Bunker will be constructed by tRump family approved and licensed contractors, so you’ll know I’ll be getting a nice cut. We’ve put together three tiers of tRump Bunker options to make a tRump Bunker affordable for everyone willing to remortgage their house and commit anything else of value they have.
For the design of the Basic tRump Bunker, we were able to work with Jim Bakker to update some plans he had laying around his website. It starts out with a 15 foot long section of prefabricated reinforced concrete culvert attached to three refurbished septic tank bedroom conversions with old shag carpeting glued to the walls. We’ve got collector’s style kitchen appliances recovered from court ordered Baltimore Kushner property upgrades. Home Depot is offering a tRump discount on cardboard storage for all the possessions you wish to save from the hordes of protestors coming to your town. And as a special bonus we are including a 10-year supply of Jim’s miracle colloidal silver solution cure that he isn’t allowed to sell anymore. This stuff is better than hydroxychloroquine. You can have your very own Basic tRump Bunker for only $39,999 plus shipping and construction costs.
A step up from the Basic tRump Bunker is the Golden tRump Bunker. These bunkers are ready to move in right now. No contractors needed. They can be found all over the world in tRump properties from the perfect tRump Tower in Manhattan to the brand new (not quite finished) Trump International Hotel & Tower Baku, Uzbekistan. These tRump Golden Bunkers will keep you safe because as you know the tRump name alone is enough to make all those nasty protestors and antifa rioters quake in fear and stop them in their tracks. These are available at only 200% over market value.
The top tier of our bunker line is the ultra exclusive tRump Fuhrer Bunker. These 15,000 square foot bunkers come complete with all those little touches the tRump family is famous for.
You’ll get shelves full of books you’ll never read, chairs too fragile to sit on, lot’s of gold accents everywhere and lighting designed to make orange look natural. You’ll also get MyPillows on every bed and fake magazine covers with your picture on all the walls. We’ll throw in one year worth of armed security agents recruited from all the war criminals I’ve pardoned and any police officers kicked out of their departments for being brutal thugs. You can own your very own tRump Fuhrer Bunker for only 200 million dollars plus any costs that take our profit under 200 million dollars. If you’ve always wanted to live the life of tRump, this is the package for you.
But wait, that’s not all
We have a number of other products available to protect and enhance your tRump Bunker experience.
- Large rolls of tRump Chickenwire fencing for an extra level of protection, just like at the White House.
- US Surplus CS canisters and launchers. We bought out the US government’s entire supply of expired chemical ordinance for pennies (actually we just took it) and are passing the savings on to you. We’ve had our friends at our ICE detention facilities test these out on their prisoners. The results are perfect. We are sure you’ll be pleased to use them on your neighbors and other irritating people.
- Extra tall bed frames with expanded belly room for when you just have to crawl under there for extra cowering comfort.
- A full line of tRump branded sniveling and crying towels with extra snot absorbancy.
- tRump binkies. I use them and so should you.
- Autographed tRump Bibles with all the socialist liberal crap removed and Two Corinthians printed entirely in boldface.
- Framed copies of the Pledge of Allegiance to tRump with NDA/registration forms and certificates of authenticity.
- We have some leftover tRump Steaks we are clearing out of the warehouse, so we can lease out the space to local police departments to jail protestors and other people we don’t like. Buy $100 or more worth of steaks (two packages of 4 6oz shank steaks) and we will throw in a handful of ketchup packets we confiscated from those libtard trolls at Burger King™.
- Gross lots of extra PPEs (including N95 masks) that we can’t admit that Jared is hiding and hoarding.
- A year’s supply of tRump Bleach injectors and tRump UV suppositories so you won’t have to leave your tRump Bunker for medical reasons.
These and more tRump branded products are available at our new website: NoShametRump.com
Up the Resistance!
The EDiting department contributed to this Shade.
Memaliciousness
Cut and paste department. This is the regularly scheduled plea for readers. I’ve still only had to make two memes. You have it within your power to make me work. If you spread the word about Evening Shade and your spreadee announces themselves in the comments, you will become eligible to receive your very, very special noprize of a meme of your very own. All you have to do is jump up and get out there and start carnival barking, cajoling, proselytizing (or pimping, if you are of an irreligious bent). You could even pester and push. Procrastination is not an option — it’s a way of life.
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