Among other things, this has been a banner couple of weeks for people running with the “I am not a racist” proclamation. Besides the fact that it’s something a person probably shouldn’t need to point out, there’s also the nagging likelihood that it isn’t true.
I, for example, am a racist. Like most people, I constantly make assumptions about others based on their appearance. Some of those assumptions are negative, and some of those negative assumptions are based on skin color. Like most people, I don’t think that’s my fault. These assumptions were planted in us by a culture of white supremacy that has surrounded us constantly, from birth through the present.
The problem is that, for people who even make it this far, there’s a lovely copout: the claim that we can remain blameless, as long as we don’t act on our racist assumptions. Unfortunately, this is a staggeringly naïve way of considering how we make decisions, which tend to be far more deeply rooted in our subconscious than we would like to believe. But as soon as we admit the possibility that our subconscious racist assumptions may have led us to racist decisions and actions, we have to accept personal fault for racism. No one wants to do that. So instead we prefer to stop where it’s safe. We either ignore the assumptions, or pretend we can override them, and then we claim we’re not racists and pretend we have ownership over what that means.
For a long time I was afraid to speak out about racial justice issues, to become an advocate, because I was certain my secret racism would burst forth. People would call me out and I would have no defense. So I threw myself into research, in hopes that I could learn how to un-become a racist, so that I could speak without hypocrisy or fear of accusation. Eventually I realized that if I was waiting to advocate until after I’d gotten rid of my racism, I’d be waiting forever. Instead, I decided to just admit that I was a racist, and advocate anyway. It was one of the most freeing admissions I’ve ever made. I’m still uncomfortable talking about race and racism, but being accused of racism is no longer a concern because it’s just the truth. Somewhat ironically, no one has accused me of racism yet.
I believe that in order to make real progress against individual racism, a key component is excavation: take off the gloves and dig with both hands into the muck that lies beneath, in hopes of exposing exactly what ugliness is there. It’s daunting and embarrassing, but it’s necessary. We can’t counter our internal messaging if we don’t know what that messaging actually says. Once we know, we can start to fight against those assumptions, to write a new narrative, to build new reflexes for the way we think about each other and, ultimately, behave in the world.
In the meantime, if I find myself tempted to claim that I’m not a racist, I need to think twice about why I feel that way. We can all be better. We can all become better. But denial is not a tool in that box.