Probably the most under-reported story of recent months was Antifa’s transformation from a loose collection of twenty-somethings into an invisible network of sheer menace and a dagger pointed at the very heart of the American Dream. What some are calling a “massive sleeper army” of over 100,000 highly trained and disciplined extreme leftist supersoldiers has silently infiltrated every part of the country, at every level of society. It’s with some trepidation I’m speaking with Supreme High Field Commander Ha’arim Alia Khan “Destroyer of Men.” Also known as “The Swordsman,” and “Ha’arim The Bloodletter.”
Antifa Guy: Just ’Larry’s’ fine, actually.
FB: Alright then, Larry. I remember not so long ago Antifa was just a handful of guys in a couple of cities who kept Nazis from making protests violent. Now, if I’ve got this right, you’re the ones making protests violent and there’s 100, 000 of you?
Larry: (laughs) Well, a hundred’s high.
I’ll say 80,000 reliably, maybe 85.
FB: And instigating violence?
Larry: Does sound like a bit of a rebranding, doesn’t it? It’s really just advertising. Like before, what we do is try to keep other groups from starting any violence - which we’ve been pretty good at - but when it happens spontaneously then we take responsibility for it. Or “credit,” depending on how you look at these things.
FB: Oh wow. I just assumed Attorney General Barr was just making it all up and using you guys as a scapegoat.
Larry: Yeah - full disclosure here, that press conference was all scripted. We kinda “purchased it” if you know what I mean.
FB: I think that means you bought it.
Larry: Yeah.
FB: (Long Pause.) So what’s a nationally televised press conference from the Attorney General going for these days?
Larry: Shockingly affordable. The whole thing was only two hundred bucks.
FB: “Two hundred bucks” as in “Two hundred dollars?”
Larry: Yeah. We knew to go low just from watching the guy cause obviously he’d say anything for money, but we were a bit surprised he snapped up our first offer just like that. But hey, at the end of the day your two hundred bucks is gone, but now you’re this huge badass global syndicate deal, y’know? Actually, I think he laid it on pretty thick myself: “every” incident of violence? Please, you’re too kind!
But we also work pretty hard: if you’re gonna be responsible for ALL the violence you gotta make sure nobody else is gonna start any. So we had to kinda neutralize various factions like White Supremacists, assorted gun nuts and groups like the Proud Boys.
FB: And how do you do that?
Larry: Remarkably easy. When we decide we’re gonna take over a major city - let’s say Cinncinnati - we send advance teams a couple weeks early, we’ll have white guys go to a couple of gun stores on the outskirts and make friends. Like, “Oh this is the gun store that sold my Pappy the rifle that saved him from that bear…” kinda thing. Anyway, they buy the biggest, meanest gun-nuttiest gun they can for the store to give away to one lucky customer and you make it a drawing so you come back a couple weeks later and you’ve got everyone’s name address and phone number. So here’s the system - we call it “The System…” First we send a white guy around, and he’s with “The 2nd Amendment Foundation” or whatever and he’s got some gun-nutty petition thing to sign and he’s there just to scope things out, take notes, find out who’s a Supremacist, who’s a collector, spree killer or whatever. Then how many guns the guy has, what kind, where they are, where the other ones are hidden...
FB: How do they manage that?
Larry: You don’t even have to ask - once they know you’re a gun guy the first thing outta their mouth’s usually “Hey, ya wanna see how many guns I got and what kind they are and where I keep em? Then lemme show you what I got in my Special Hiding Place!” It’s a huge time-saver and really does make the whole information gathering process a lot easier.
Now the next guy who goes out is for the Supremacists, I like using Sri Lankans cuz it kinda throws ‘em - this guy with white features but really dark skin shows up at their door… they don’t know what to think. Doesn’t matter anyway ‘cuz it’s their Big Day!
The guy says he’s from the UN and they all did a study or took a vote or whatever and it turns out the guys like him were right all along and that whites are totally the supreme race. And then hand the guy a Certificate of Racial Supremacy that looks like it’s from the UN but, you know, it’s actually just something we made up. And… well, that’s really all there is to it frankly. The guy’s happy, feels all vindicated… he’s got something he can point to that says he’s the best at something… problem solved really.
And then for the gun guys and the Boogaloo Bois you just have a black guy go up to their door and say “Hi, I’m Obama and I’m here to take all your guns away…” and these guys ya know, they’ve been waiting for this for so long there’s gotta be like a dozen different cognitive biases kicking in because honestly, pretty much any black guy’ll do. And they don’t make any fuss or nothin’ they just hand the things over and say “Thank You Mr. President.” - I think the tension must’ve been getting to them and they’re just glad it’s finally over.
FB: And the Proud Boys?
Larry: Aw well that’s just pretty much blackmail. Let’s just say those boys did something they weren’t too proud of…
(to be continued...)
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