My fellow media oligarchs, we find ourselves at a crossroads. Now that the public has gotten over the shock of the Trump assassination attempt, the dismissal of the Florida classified documents case by Judge (and future SCOTUS-nominee) Cannon, and the pick of JD Vance as Trump’s VP pick, we find ourselves at loose ends. Whatever shall we cover next to keep those eyeballs glued to the screen and ensure a steady supply of those sweet, sweet advertising dollars? I know, I know. Cannon and Trump both fracked things up by jamming those events back to back. We could have spent ten days on those stories, easy! But some Republican gun nut decided to give Trump a lesson on why gun control matters and Cannon finally decided to turn in her 96-page homework assignment while no one was looking and hope no one would notice that it’s a photocopy of Thomas’ drunk Livejournal ramblings. That bolt’s been shot and there’s no going back. We need IDEAS, people! Let’s hear them.
Climate change? Nah, that’s been done to death already and people are already grumpy about it being too damn hot. Plus there’s no easy villain to blame (at least, none that John Q. Public cares about). Any idiot can go out in a hurricane and get footage of themselves getting boned by GF 5 winds. BO-RING.
Israel/Palestine? Why? School is out for the summer and the Israelis are going about their merry way freed from any constraints imposed by the United States. Besides, we need to keep that in the back pocket for the fall if/when the kids are back to occupying the quad. We don’t want to get back to that prematurely.
The Republican National Convention? GTFOH, George. Trump ruined that by picking the worst candidate and announcing it the first day of the convention. What the hell else are we going to cover? Some “cute” morbidly obese bulldog and Ron DeSantis? Unless Hillary is out there doing the macarena like it’s 1996, I don’t want to hear another word. I’m still pissed about that.
The Epstein Docu- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do you have any idea how much of a pain in the ass it is to keep ignoring that story? It’s like meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time and discovering that your future father-in-law has a sexy clown fetish. Moving on.
What’s that, Kelly? You want us to focus on how expensive everything is as people depart for summer vacation? That’s cool. You have a g0d-d@mn time machine handy? Because, newsflash, it’s ALREADY summer vacation. People are already spending money and while they might have complained about it back in May and June, it’s too late for that now. They’ve gotten past the “making reservations and complaining about inflation” stage and are, even as we speak, fully dug into the “feeling their skin peel off under the Florida sun while enjoying their fourth margarita by the pool” stage. And before you say anything, Keith, you can shut up about the climate change narrative. We’re past that now.
Huh? Speak up, Brianna. Biden is old? Yeah, that’s great. We know he’s old. What of it?
Hm. Good point. He is still pretty old. Old people are funny, right? And doesn’t he stutter a lot? And lose his train of thought? But that’s not all that interesting. Any way for us to spice it up? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you telling me there are still Democrats who want to replace Joe Biden as the nominee for the 2024 election? In mid-July 2024?? Oh, that’s PERFECT! Yes, yes, I know, the story has been done already, but think about it! “Democrats in Disarray.” That’s a tried and true formula we’ve been using for the last 40 years! In fact, that’s the very story we were covering until the assassination attempt, remember! If you think waaay back to-I dunno, July 10th?- weren’t we all-in on the narrative that at any minute the dam would break and Biden would have to step down? That the Dems were floundering and hopelessly confounded by the concept of having to have a “mini-primary” to replace Biden with some unknown White dude in order to piss off Black and Hispanic voters? It’s got everything! And to make it even more exciting, we’re EVEN CLOSER TO THE ELECTION than we were 10 days ago! Think of the headlines! “The Window to Replace Biden is Closing!” “Democratic Source: We’re Going to Lose This Election Unless Newsome Steps In!” “Democratic Donors: We Won’t Give Another Penny To The Campaign Until Biden Visits Us Personally” “Biden Ends Sentence with Preposition!” Well, maybe not that one. The nerds over at the Atlantic can have it. They care about stuff like that.
And you know what the best part is? We don’t even have to change our stories that much! Those Democratic sources aren’t suddenly going to ask to go on the record. Nothing’s even changed! Now they’re arguing about whether or not to have a virtual roll call to nominate Biden. This is great!
People, it’s because of ideas like this that I run this show. Anybody can regurgitate old content. But it takes a real genius to find a new way to tell the same old story. If we can keep this going for another few weeks, some other story is bound to come along to pick up the slack! Oh man, this is going to be the best summer ever!
Brianna? Take the afternoon off. The rest of you, get to work!