A scene getting ready to take place this November at Uncle Sam’s Used Car Emporium, in which Chris and Jordan, a couple of many possible gender identities or ages, arrive at the car lot to claim the prize they have won in a contest. Reggie, the owner of Uncle Sam’s Used Car Emporium, strides confidently out the front door of the dealership to greet them, local TV cameras following closely behind to capture the exciting moment.
Reggie: Welcome Jordan and (checks notes) Chris was it?
Jordan: Yes, sir, that’s us!
Reggie: Fantastic! You’re the lucky winners of our advertised contest!
Chris: We’re so excited! So, is it really true that we get to pick any car on the lot?
Reggie: Well, Chris, uh, yes, that… that’s right. Just like it said in our ads. Because you test drove one of our certified pre-owned vehicles last month, and your names were selected in our drawing, you can choose a free car from among any that are on the lot!
Jordan: This is so awesome!
Chris: Hey, where are all the cars that were here before?
Reggie: Well, heh heh, you see it turns out that today is a special day here at Uncle Sam’s. It’s inventory changeover day, so some of the vehicles we usually have out for sale are not, uh, available today.
(Jordan and Chris share a distressed look, then both turn their gaze to Reggie with suspicion.)
Chris: What’s going on here?
Reggie: Now, now don’t you worry my friends. You see there are a couple of cars on this end of the lot that are absolutely and positively available for you to choose from.
Jordan: A couple of cars?
Reggie: Well, three, actually. Here, walk with me and I’ll explain a little more about how this is going to work.
(They all walk towards the east end of the lot where there are two cars parked, one behind the other, in one row, and a single car parked in a different row.)
Reggie: (standing next to one of the cars and patting it on the side of the hood)
Now here we have a 1968 Chevy Camero. This is the SS 454. Classic vehicle. Here, why don't one of you hop in to the driver's seat?
Jordan: Oh, wow, I feel like I'm in American Graffiti or something.
Reggie: Yessir. We are talking V8 engine, 4-speed manual transmission. This is the LeMans blue, street-eating power-car that still turns heads. It has four-on-the-floor big-block power and a lot of street smarts built right in, from the black vinyl interior features to the below-the-doorline low back bucket seats.
Chris: It’s a beauty. 1968, though. This is quite an old car. I mean, it’s more than half a century old. How many miles are on it?
Reggie: Great question Jordan —
Chris: I’m Chris.
Reggie: You certainly are! I’m gonna be honest with you. This baby’s in solid shape, you can get right in and drive her right off the lot no problem. She does have about 380,000 miles on her.
Jordan: Are you kidding me? And it’s the original engine?
Reggie: Original engine. Just one of those really well built, sturdy cars that is definitely up there in miles and years but still can really cook.
Jordan: Well, how does it run?
Reggie: Well you know what, it runs darn good, but once in a while it has a little breakdown.
Jordan: Breakdown?
Reggie: Yeah, I know, that sounds worrying, but it doesn’t happen that often. Just if you overheat it. Sometimes the blinkers go a little haywire and signal the opposite direction, but it self-corrects after a few moments. The suspension also isn’t quite what it used to be. It can be a little herky-jerky on the road. Not always — again, just sometimes.
Chris: Well, how long do you think this car is gonna keep running?
Reggie: Well, that’s kinda impossible to tell. Could be 20 years. Could be six months. It’s a classic. I’m being honest with ya folks —
Chris: Surprisingly, I think you actually are —
Reggie: Absolutely, gotta be honest with the customer. Chris, Jordan… here’s the deal. This car helped build the American dream. It’s a good car. This is a car that working people saved up for and when they bought it, they put their labor and love into keeping it up for years and years. This is a car where first kisses would happen, where youngsters drove to their first jobs. It’s American union made. I know it’s kinda odd to say, but this car understands what makes this country good. There’s no bullshit in this car. It’s just old and has a lot of miles on it. Sometimes it misfires a cylinder, or takes a pothole pretty hard. Sometimes the suspension feels creaky and you feel every bump in the road. Most of the time it’s just fine, and it can still deliver great performance, especially when you need it most.
Chris and Jordan look at each other a moment, and then back at Reggie.
Jordan: Okay, well, is there a warranty on it?
Reggie: Well, yes, my friends, there absolutely is! It’s just, not your usual kind of warranty.
Jordan: How’s that?
Reggie then walks to the car that is parked directly behind the ‘68 Camero and places his palm on the edge of the hood.
Reggie: Well, the warranty on the Camero is that if the car dies on you, then you get this car instead.
Reggie: This is the 2024 Ford Mustang Mach-E PremiumElectric in Rapid Red Metallic with tinted windows. Here, why don't you hop on in this time?
Chris: Oh, sweet modern dash panel. And that new car smell!
Reggie: This marvel of engineering is emissions-free. Skip the gas station and still drive with some kick. It’s got a Dual eMotor and a standard range high-voltage battery. You’ve got 250 miles of range on a single charge, and if you do the math for what your typical electricity costs ya and convert it over to miles-per-gallon, it costs you the same as a gas car that gets 90 miles per gallon. This baby is new, and the model isn’t as tested as some older cars, but it’s got all kinds of safety and driver assist features built right in. It draws on the best of the American muscle car tradition - it’s a Mustang after all - but it’s built for the future. It’s also a damn smart car. This car can do things with smart phones and tablets that I have to ask my kids to explain to me.
Jordan: Wow, okay. Just curious - can we just pick the Mustang?
Reggie: Well, no, I’m afraid it’s here in the fine print. The Mustang only comes into the picture if the Camero bites the dust.
Chris and Jordan look at each other a moment, then back at Reggie.
Chris: Okay, so our choice is between the ‘68 Camero —
Reggie: —with the new Mach-E Mustang as a backup in case you need it —
Chris: yes, we got that. Our choice is between the Camero and…
Reggie walks across a lane in the parking lot to another car and rests his hand on the hood gently. Then, after a deep sigh, he perks himself back up and says:
Reggie: It’s between the ‘68 Camero and this beauty right here!
Jordan: What is that?
Reggie: Well, this is the 1974 Hazard Flamethrower Deluxe.
Chris: Who makes this vehicle?
Reggie: Well, it was this company called Hazard.
Chris: Was? An American company?
Reggie: Yes, yes. I mean, they went bankrupt a long time ago. There was some Russian financing mess, and there was a scandal involving ownership jimmying the books.
Jordan: Oh dear.
Reggie: Yeah, something like 34 felony convictions if memory serves. But still, the Flamethrower Deluxe remains in circulation, and it could be yours today.
Chris: It’s very… orange looking.
Reggie: That’s absolutely right. Also, this handsome coupe is hellfire on the road. It only gets 8 miles to the gallon, but it’s got plenty of kick and once you rev it up and get it on the road it’s a real juggernaut.
Jordan: How do you mean?
Reggie: Well, it kind of damages the road while it’s driving on it. In fact it also damages every other car on the road as it passes by.
Jordan: It sounds like a psycho car.
Reggie: Actually, it’s the only car ever manufactured in the U.S. that has received a psychiatric diagnosis.
Jordan: That doesn’t sound like a selling point —
Reggie: No, no, that’s where you’re wrong. Millions of people love this baby. When you drive one of these, you really feel like you’re part of a movement. But there are some risks you should know about.
Jordan: Beyond what you’ve already described?
Reggie: Well, you see, the car sometimes makes unpredictable turns, very chaotically. Some people who've driven one say it cuts off other vehicles abruptly on its own. Another complaint is that it also doesn’t always deal with reality well.
Chris: What?
Reggie: Well, for instance, you might have a sharp left curve coming up in a narrow two-lane road you’re driving on, and you see the road sign, and you start to turn the wheel to go left… but if the Hazard doesn’t want to it’ll just keep going straight or turn to the right.
Jordan: This thing doesn’t sound fit for the open road —
Chris: — hang on, Jordan, I’m trying to figure something out in here. I’m looking at the dash here. Reggie, where's the gas gauge on this thing?
Reggie: It actually doesn’t have one. But it does have, over to the right of the steering wheel, this “Gaslight Indicator” light. Totally unique feature — you won’t find one of those on any other vehicle make. Not really sure what it’s for, I admit, but it seems like it’s always on once you start the car. Oh, I almost forgot. There are a couple other disclosures I need to make.
Chris: Other disclosures?
Reggie: So, there’s a slight risk that when you start this car it will just blow up.
Chris: You’re kidding me.
Reggie: I haven’t gotten to the worst of it yet.
Chris: What could possibly be worse?
Reggie: There’s sort of also a slight risk when you turn the key that this car will not only blow up, but it will blow up civilization itself.
Jordan and Chris just stare at each other blankly for a moment.
Reggie: Oh - and I almost forgot. This baby has a lot of miles on it too.
Jordan: How many?
Reggie: Well, it’s not certain. There may have been some fraudulent manipulation of the odometer. But the truth is that this car may die on you in the near term. It’s got a lot of wear and tear, and it seems like it just meanders off in different odd directions more and more often when it’s on the road.
Chris: So, if it dies, do we get a replacement car?
Reggie: As a matter of fact, you do.
Chris: Okay, so where is it?
Reggie: Well, it’s a bit of an unknown at this time. Think of it as a car to be determined later. We should probably know in a week or so.
Jordan: So, is the backup car like, another crazy dangerous car, or more of a normal car?
Reggie: Just can’t say. But I can tell you this — whatever kind of car it is, it will do whatever it can to help the Hazard Flamethrower. That’s about the only thing we know about the warranty backup car for the Hazard. So, my lucky friends, which car will you be taking home today?
Stay tuned this November for the lucky American couple’s choice! Let’s wish them well with their decision!
Note: a version of this story is also live at my blog, www.theaccidentalrabbi.substack.com