I come here not to bury teenage romantic comedies, but to acknowledge that most adults can't seem to escape whatever High School Hell they suffered through, and instead insist on inflicting that Hell on the rest of us until the day they breathe their last breath. And so it is that Joe Biden finds himself, quite against his own will, trapped in a plot and story structure we've all seen more than once.
Here, let me pitch it for you:
Our heroine is a high school senior who is part of the in group, who sits at the lunch table where all the cool kids hang. She's been friends with this group for a long time, and they've been the cool kids for a long time -- some as far back as elementary school.
During their Senior Year, when it's assumed this girl is going to be crowned the Homecoming Queen, one of the guys in her crowd -- a jock, naturally, and so of course the villain -- starts showing interest in her. Finally he asks her out to the Prom. But she turns him down, because while he used to be a fairly decent guy he's turned mean of late, and she's kind. He reacts angrily, she starts ignoring him, and now he has a problem.
The jock has just lost face in front of his friends. His pride is hurt. He can't do anything to her directly, because his friends would probably take her side. So he starts a whisper campaign against her, pressuring other people into spreading rumors behind her back so it can't be directly traced back to him. Suddenly our heroine finds that she's not as popular with her friends and isn't as welcome at the cool kids lunch table as she used to be. Finally, she learns about the rumors, but doesn't know what to do about them... it's her word against his.
That’s not the end of the movie, obviously. There’s a whole bit where she realizes she has friends outside her main clique — she gets along with most of the other stereotypical teenage groups portrayed by Hollywood because she’s nice, and a ragtag group of defenders comes together to take revenge against the jock dead-set on ruining her life. This is probably where the male romantic lead comes in, but at that point it gets a little hard to sustain the comparison, and fortunately we don’t need to. We have all the information we already need: in this, our live-action, real-life version of Teenage Romantic Comedy Subplot #1942, our kind-hearted heroine is Joseph Robinette Biden. And the villain? Well, the mean-spirited jock who is determined to bring bring down the young woman who spurned his advances is A. G. Sulzberger, the owner of the New York Times.
Politico covered it back in April (hey, remember April? That was a month) when they published The Petty Feud Between the NYT and the White House. It’s an extensive article, but I’ll include the money quote below:
“All these Biden people think that the problem is Peter Baker or whatever reporter they’re mad at that day,” one Times journalist said. “It’s A.G. He’s the one who is pissed [that] Biden hasn’t done any interviews and quietly encourages all the tough reporting on his age.”
So there you have it, folks. I’m pretty sure Biden didn’t intend to become the hero(ine) of that story, and I imagine it’s hard to respond to petty high school hijinks when you’re trying to, you know, be President of the United States of America.
It’s important to note that I don’t think it unreasonable to have doubts about Biden’s age and mental acuity. But I absolutely think the standard he’s being held to is ridiculous, and the reason that standard exists is because before there was legitimate concern about his age, there was a pissed off rich guy who wanted revenge for a bruised ego.
Not sure what to name the movie. Put your suggestions in the comments!