From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: What A Splendid Little War edition
"A dangerous new conflict in the Middle East launched by the U.S. government on a murky premise with razor-thin evidence. You know what that means? 2003 is back, baby! In 17 years we've come full circle, from yellow cake to chocolate cake. From 'shock and awe' to shockingly awful."
—Stephen Colbert
"According to the New York Times: 'Officials presented the president with an initial list of options. The Pentagon also tacked on the choice of targeting General Soleimani mainly to make other options seem reasonable. When Mr. Trump chose the option of killing Soleimani, top military officials, flabbergasted, were immediately alarmed.' We're three years into this administration and you didn’t know he was going to pick the craziest choice? The only choice Donald Trump should be allowed to make is Popeye's or KFC."
—Jimmy Kimmel
“You can’t just kill a top general of a sovereign nation and call it de-escalation. That’s like getting drunk and driving your car into a Kmart and then telling the cops: I did it to stop my car.”
—Seth Meyers
"As much as we insult the Trump administration, at least they're learning from America's previous mistakes. In 2003 the Bush administration had a plan to go into Iraq, but no exit strategy. So now the Trump administration is like, ‘I see where we went wrong. This time: no entrance strategy. Lesson learned.'"
—Trevor Noah
“Hopefully, Trump can get out of war with Iran by claiming bone spurs.”
—Conan O’Brien
Don’t forget the Tire Drive for the Homeland is this weekend. Just heave ‘em into Don Jr.’s pool and he’ll do the rest. Thank you, patriots—victory is at hand.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 10, 2020
Note: Hot damn! Only needed 14 flushes today. America is great again.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Brexit: 21
Days 'til the Morro Bay Winter Bird Festival in California: 7
Confidence in President Obama during his presidency, and President Trump during his, respectively, among 24 major countries surveyed by Pew: 74%, 31%
Estimated value of GM and Ford combined, according to CNN: $87 billion
Estimated value of Tesla Motors: $86 billion
Actors of color nominated for the British Oscars (BAFTAs): 0
Average time Americans spend sitting on the toilet per year, according to Charmin: 156 hours
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A-O-C gets a new P-U-P…
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JEERS to fears. A week after the pentagon presented our draft dodger president his "menu" of options against Iran, upon which he chose "Second-in-Command Flambé," the American people have weighed in on just what they think of that decision. In short, they'd like to send the whole flaming mess back to the kitchen:
A majority of those surveyed, by 52%-34%, called Trump's behavior with Iran "reckless."[…]
[T]here was overwhelming agreement—in each case by more than 6-1—that the attack made it more likely Iran would strike American interests in the Middle East (69%), that there would be terrorist attacks on the American homeland (63%), and that the United States and Iran would go to war with each other (62%).
Americans by 55%-24% believe the attack that took his life has made the United States less safe, rejecting a fundamental argument the Trump administration has made. Just one in 10 said it had made the U.S. "much more safe;" three times as many said it had made the nation "much less safe."
But that ain’t all…
By 47%-39%, those surveyed said Trump ordered the killing of Soleimani in an attempt to divert the focus from his impeachment. There was little support for the idea of delaying the Senate impeachment trial until the crisis with Iran was resolved; that was opposed by 55%-26%.
He shoulda stuck to what he knew and ordered the cheeseburger.
CHEERS to elbowing the emperor. Speaking of Cadet Bone Spurs, kudos to the House for voting yesterday to assert its right to have a say in whether we gallop off to war or keep the barn door closed:
The House adopted a war powers resolution [224-194] Thursday with the aim of limiting President Donald Trump’s military actions against Iran.
Before the vote, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) criticized the U.S. drone attack on [Iranian Gen. Qassem Soleimani] and said the resolution would send a clear statement that Trump should not take further military action against Iran without approval from Congress. “Last week, in our view, the administration conducted a provocative disproportionate airstrike against Iran which endangered Americans, and did so without consulting Congress,” Pelosi said at her weekly press conference.
It's not all negative toward the executive branch, though. For so efficiently taking out bad guy Soleimani, the House resolution awarded Trump the medal that they believe would be most meaningful to him: The Iron Cross with Very Fine Oak Leaves. Responded the president: "Oh, hardy har har." Strangely, though, he says he has no intention of returning it.
JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote:
The original text was written by Susan B. Anthony with the help of Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Up until this point, the Senator had simply injected women’s suffrage provisions in other bills. This was the first piece of legislation focused so plainly on the issue: “The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.”
The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks."
CHEERS to snappy answers to silly questions. Heyyyyy…what's the matter with KANSAS? As of yesterday, not as much as the day before:
Democratic Gov. Laura Kelly, a moderate elected in 2018 in the anti-Trump wave driven largely by health care, and Sen. Jim Denning, the Republican leader of the state Senate announced Thursday that they had reached a deal on Medicaid expansion.
[…] Between 130,000 and 150,000 people are expected to be covered by Medicaid expansion in Kansas, mostly adults without children or parents currently ineligible for benefits despite living in or near poverty. Roughly 9 percent of Kansans are uninsured.
If everyone sticks to the agreement, Kansas will become the 37th state to join Medicaid expansion through the Affordable Care Act, thus bringing the deep state one step closer to achieving total socialist domination over the heartland by….bwoo ha haaaa…making it easier for them to get healthy. We are some clever bastards, are we not?
CHEERS to America's dispensers-in-white. Sunday is National Pharmacist Day, when we acknowledge a profession whose members quietly go about their task of filling prescriptions correctly, promptly and safely before ringing them up along with our peanut M&Ms, People magazine, Swiffer pad replacements and dental floss. (True fact: the first pharmacy in America was opened by Louis Joseph Dufilo, Jr. in 1823.) They'll celebrate as usual by inviting customers to pick a goodie from the giant bowl full of pills they found on the floor over the course of the year. (Note: if you grab the one shaped like a dodecahedron, allow yourself three days to come back down to earth.)
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
CHEERS to home vegetation. Typical mid-winter weekend on the TV. We’ll start with Chris Hayes (with live studio audience) and Rachel Maddow deftly parsing whatever Friday news dump(s) happened today. Or, if you just want to put your brain in neutral and chill, the CW has reruns of Penn and Teller: Fool Us and Whose Line is It, Anyway?
New home video releases include one of my must-sees: The Lighthouse, with Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson going crazy while tending a beacon off the Maine coast. (And speaking of crazy, Joker cackles its way to home video this week.) Dateline NBC spends a couple hours on the Gianni Versace murder tomorrow night, if that floats your boat. Tomorrow night's SNL is a rerun of the actually-quite-funny episode hosted by my identical twin Harry Styles. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here.
On 60 Minutes: profiles of the world’s #1 tennis star Joaquin Phoenix and Oscar-nominated actor Rafael Nadal. There's a "champions" edition of America's Got Talent Sunday night at 8 on NBC, competing with the 25th Critics' Choice Awards on the CW. (Nominations here.) And if you're a fan of—in no particular order—Stephen King, Jason Bateman, Cynthia Erivo (Harriet), or Ben Mendelsohn, you can catch the premiere of the limited HBO series The Outsider, based on King's novel and starring the other three.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Michael Bennett (D-CO) and Rand Paul (R-Moscow); National Security Advisor Robert O’Brien;
This Week: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien.
Face the Nation: Former Secretary of State John Kerry; Sens. Tim Kaine (D-VA) and Mike Lee (R-UT); House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); Secretary of Defense Mark Esper.
CNN's State of the Union: Secretary of Defense Mark Esper; 2020 candidate Tom Steyer; Rep. Chrissy Houlihan (D-PA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2010
CHEERS and JEERS to a Day 1. The infamous "gay marriage trial," which seeks to have Proposition 8 declared unconstitutional, got underway in California. The opposition's logic was airtight as usual, and I shall now paraphrase their argument for your enjoyment:
Gay marriage will destroy traditional marriage and civilization itself, but we have no evidence of how or why or when, and therefore some Americans are less equal than others.
Meanwhile, plaintiff's attorney Ted Olson was clearly under the influence of his gay overlords and their powers of mind control:
“All [Prop. 8] does is label gay and lesbian persons as different, inferior, unequal, and disfavored. And it brands their relationships as not the same, and less-approved than those enjoyed by opposite sex couples. It is unconstitutional.”
Hmm. Only someone who had something to hide—like the destruction of traditional marriage and civilization itself—would say that. Vigilance, people.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. January 10, 1982 was a dark day for my little (pop. 15,000) birth hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio. Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55—the age I turned this year, so I can officially tell you that’s young—in his Beverly Hills home, and our town just froze for the day (although, in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
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Peter Marshall: Will a newborn baby learn anything by the time he's 5 days old?
Paul Lynde: Yes, we should avoid each other when we're drinking.
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Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven said, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: "Let’s not wallow in Watergate."
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Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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And the classic that put him on the map:
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting—and frustrating—transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor—including as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. But scores of homophobic female fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously said, "Paul made the world safe for sissies." And I admit, it's nice not having to lock my door at night.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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