Despite factual accounts to the contrary, there was no "Ask Ms. Crissie" Morning Feature yesterday because the resident faculty and staff of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute did more than spend the weekend drowning their sorrows researching our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"). They were huddled around the hot tub faculty lounge, discussing and voting on the annual BPI Bippy Awards. Today we'll reveal the results for TV advertisements. The other Bippies will be revealed over the coming days.
More below the fold....
Revealing Our Bippies - TV Ads
For over 12 decades years hours, the Bippy Awards have held a unique place in our culture: they are awards given by an institution that doesn't exist for things that didn't happen. You can't get more Zen than that.
But before we get to the festivities, let's first thank last week's guest lecturers. Last Tuesday, our Professor of Jurinursinfosystology, FarWestGirl, offered the first of her two-part series: Religiosity + Politics = Holy War. She will conclude the series in tomorrow's Morning Feature. And yesterday, our Professor of Ecoinsaninsuroscamology, winterbanyan, stepped into the breach with I Fired My Health Insurance. If you missed either, please give them a read.
Note: We have no guest lecturers scheduled for next week (September 1-2). If you have ideas you'd like to share, please volunteer in a comment below!
Last year the Bippies were awarded in a star-studded ceremony at the opulent Kodiak Theatre. But due to the economic downturn - and because the ceremony frightened the bears - the BPI faculty, staff, and insurance agent all agreed with the South Blogistan State Police, PETA, and SPCA: we'll leave the bears alone and reveal this year's Bippies online.
Today we reveal the Bippies for TV ads that were never made by companies that don't exist. The faculty and staff consumed many bottles hours in making up reviewing and voting on the nominees, and the results were stored in the BPI vault bottom of Pootie the Precious' litterbox until today's presentation. Sorry for the aroma.
So without further adieu or revoir, the 2009 Bippy TV ad nominees:
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Reincarna Investigations
VO: Is your corporate bottom line sagging from paying those bogus health insurance claims? Call Reincarna Investigations. Our team of trained psychics can determine if your policy-holders are concealing conditions from past lives. We reject over 100% of the claims we see. Don't waste profits by paying claims. Call Reincarna Investigations ... because life is a preexisting condition.
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Contraptor Industries
VO: America is in danger. We face enemies all over the world, some of whom might be living right door to you. At Contraptor Industries, we've spent trillions of taxpayer dollars over the past sixty years making sure evildoers don't come into your house in the middle of the night and kill you. But now liberals want to cut our budget and let you die to pay for ... health care. Help us tell Congress the truth: dead Americans won't need health care. At Contraptor Industries ... we live on a mushroom cloud.
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Nirvana Health Care
VO: Do you want health insurance, but you don't want to worry about what will be covered? At Nirvana Health Care, we guarantee you peace of mind, because we cover nothing. For just $100 dollars a day, less than the cost of greens fees at our CEO's country club, you can be sure that when you get sick, we'll cover nothing. Nirvana ... because peace of mind is found in nothing, and that's exactly what you deserve.
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RIGHT-EEZ
VO: RIGHT-EEZ, apply directly to the facts! RIGHT-EEZ, apply directly to the facts!
Man: I used to have a terr'ble time arguin' with libruls. Gave me the worst pain right here - ::points to stomach:: - like when momma said "Why'd you eat that chocolate cake, junior" and I'd say "I didn't eat no chocolate cake, momma," and she'd jus' point to the crumbs on my lips. But with RIGHT-EEZ, I jus' rub out those durn facts and the pain goes right away. I'm a believer!
VO: RIGHT-EEZ, apply directly to the facts! RIGHT-EEZ, apply directly to the facts!
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Whew! Quite a field of nominees this year. And those are just the ones the faculty and staff remembered! ::pause for laughter:: Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to transcribe the cues. Anyway ...
... the 2009 Bippy Award for best non-existent TV ad goes to ...
... Nirvana Health Care, because a non-existent ad about nothingness is just too much nothing to ignore. And here to accept the award on behalf of Nirvana is ...
... no one.
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Happy Monday!