Inspired by a Gibbous moon and a crack in the guest lecture schedule, the faculty and staff of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute are pleased to announce the next set of BPI Awards, the cheeky yet coveted Bippies. This time we honor the brave and selfless columnists - professional and otherwise - who toil in the obscurity of our national media. Or we would, if they'd actually written the columns for which they've been nominated.
More below the fold....
Flashing More Bippies - Political Columns
The Bippies are a hollowed tradition at BPI - a solid statue would be too expensive heavy - dating back over 30 years days. We revealed the first slivers in the 2009 BPI Awards for TV Ads that were never made, and last week we let slip a bit more with the 2009 BPI Awards for Movies that were never made. Yet again we're required to expose our Bippies online, as last year's opulent ceremony at the Kodiak Theatre frightened the bears. Despite last week's mishap, our crack security staff insisted we keep the results in an envelope at the bottom of Pootie the Precious' litter box until just moments ago, so please pardon the aroma.
As a nonexistent university, we at BPI try to maintain certain standards. However, unlike the nonexistent TV ads by nonexistent companies, and the nonexistent movies by nonexistent studios and artists, these Bippies honor real people. Or would, if they'd written these nonexistent columns. So without further adieu or revoir, the 2009 Bippy nominees for columns you didn't read:
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Affirmative Action Babies, William Kristoff and Tucker Carlson
Lead paragraph: For years, we've both railed against affirmative action, insisting that the U.S. should be a meritocracy where the best and the brightest rise to the top through their own efforts, not based on advantages gained by biological legacy. We were right in our principles, but wrong on our facts. Imagine our shock and shame when we learned that our success owes mostly to family legacies. We're sorry.
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Let Cooler Heads Prevail, John McCain
Lead paragraph: My friends, many of you are disappointed that I didn't win the 2008 presidential election. Some of you are outraged. But I beg you, my friends, let cooler heads prevail. That's what happened back in November. I was running around the country with my hair on fire, while my opponent remained cool and calm. President Obama displayed the steady temperament our country needs, and he won. It wasn't ACORN. The election wasn't stolen. You haven't lost your country. We lost because I didn't show the leadership skills you deserve. I now realize that conceding the election was the first time in the campaign that I'd truly put Country First. So calm the f*** down now or I'll put my senate career on hold to come out there and....
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An Intellectual Expo, George Will
Lead paragraph: I get far too much attention. Everyone rightly recalls the "Miracle Mets" of 1969, but few outside Montreal and arguably few in that fair city try to remember the woeful 69 Expos, whose dolorous performance earned a last place finish in the NL East and a tie with the San Diego Padres for the worst record in baseball (52-110). That lackluster year presaged a lackluster franchise, serially shallow in talent, an inexorable ineptitude so inescapable they moved to Washington. That seems fitting, as shallow talent often leads people to this town. Take me, for example. I'm increasingly certain that I'm an intellectual Expo ... playing in the big leagues, but not big league quality.
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Why I Work Here, Paul Krugman
Lead paragraph: I often criticize President Obama in this column, on matters ranging from economic to foreign policy. I do that because my years of education and academic work - including a Nobel Prize - make me think he's made and continues to make some mistakes. Many have said I should be working for the White House, having direct, daily contact with the president so I could better influence policy and perhaps prevent some of those mistakes. I have not accepted and would not accept such a post, because ... frankly ... it's a lot easier to criticize than to lead.
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A Plea for Mercy, George W. Bush and Richard B. Cheney
Lead paragraph: We are both shocked and saddened to learn that our wrongdoing has become public knowledge. Either of us could - and has and will - blame the other, but the fact is we both did some horrible things. Now that Attorney General Eric Holder has appointed a special prosecutor and Spain has announced its intention to prosecute U.S. war crimes, we fear we may find ourselves in an indefensible position. So in the spirit of preemption that marked our administration, we want to get ahead of events. We're sorry. Please learn from our mistakes and show the kind of mercy we wouldn't have?
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I'm Qutting Because I'm an Idiot, You Betcha, Also, Sarah Palin
Lead paragraph: Here in Alaska where the midnight sun never sets on the courage and bravery of our troops who like me can see Russia from my front porch or would if they were here courage and bravery are values we value because it's like palling around with the right people and not the wrong people that we should meet and I'm just too damn stupid to be the governor of any state even Alaska where the midnight sun never sets on the courage and bravery of our....
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And the winner is ...
... A Plea for Mercy, by George W. Bush and Richard B. Cheney. The voting was very close, but of the nominees this was the column the faculty and staff would most like to have read. We even took a vote on whether we'd accept their plea for mercy. An expression of the results of that vote are in the bottom of Pootie the Precious' litter box.
Who would you have voted for?
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Happy Wednesday!