From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Tonight, 'Round 8 O'clock
Moderator: Welcome to Oil Spillers Anonymous. Thanks for coming. First thing we'll do is go around the circle and introduce ourselves. I'm Kevin, your moderator, and I'm here because I once changed my oil back in 1978 and didn't dispose of it in an environmentally-friendly way. I beat myself up over it pretty bad, but I finally found the strength to forgive myself and atone by giving ten percent of my income to the World Wildlife Fund, Earth First, an' groups like that.
Group: Hi, Kevin!
Moderator: And moving on to my left...
Craig: Hi, my name's Craig, and I'm an oil spiller.
Group: Hi, Craig!
Craig: I knocked over a can o' STP 10W-30 and some of it ran into the storm drain. Just sat there and watched it. Feeling helpless to do anything. It's still hard for me to talk about. So I'm mostly hear just to listen. Thanks.
Moderator: Welcome. Next...
Tony: My name's Tony and I'm an oil spiller.
Group: Hi, Tony!
Moderator: I see you're new here. Did you knock over a can of oil, too? It's pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of as long as you clean it up and learn your lesson.
Tony: Well, not exactly. I set up a massive oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, allowed safety violations to pile up, never complained when federal inspectors didn’t show up as often as they were supposed to, used shoddy materials, ignored warning signs, forced my employees to work faster than they should so I could stem my financial losses, and then the damn thing blew up, killed eleven chaps, sank, and now it's spewing millions and millions and millions...
Moderator: Like Exxon Valdez millions?
Tony: Think bigger! Millions upon tens of millions, old boy. But I probably shouldn’t even be at this meeting, since it really wasn't my fault---at least that's what my lawyers tell me to say. It was those reckless cads at Transocean and Halliburton. They should be here, not me! Ungrateful buggers are trying to hang me out to dry. Well, it won’t work, I tell you! Besides, the dispersants are putting everything back to normal, and we're preparing a burlap sack filled with golf balls to stop the flow of oil. Oh, sure, BP refineries are responsible for 97 percent of America's "egregious willful" OSHA violations. But it's not like it's the biggest oil spill in recorded human history, you know. At least not yet. Everything will be right as rain in a few days, you'll see. It's a relatively small leak compared to the volume of water in the gulf. Just think happy thoughts and it will all...be...BETTUH!!! Why don't people BELIEVE me!!?? It's not FAIR!!!
[Dead silence]
[A fluorescent bulb flickers briefly]
[In the distance, a dog barks]
Moderator: Well. Um... I see. Would anyone care for a doughnut? And then maybe we can have a little discussion about denial...
Just make sure he's not late for his Assholes Not-So-Anonymous meeting.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Note: Today we are all Miss USA! (And this girdle is killing me.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 10!!!
Days `til the Seattle Green Festival: 18
Percent chance that more Americans want Democrats to retain control of Congress than Republicans: 100%
(Source: AP-GfK poll)
Portion of college freshman who took at least one remedial course in 2007-2008: 1-in-3
(Source: Dept. of Education)
Rank of, respectively, JetBlue, Southwest and WestJet in satisfaction among airline passengers: #1, #1, #3 (In last place: US Air)
(Source: J.D. Power and Associates via USA Today)
Percent of respondents who say they'll get their next dog or cat from, respectively, a store, a breeder, or a shelter: 8%, 23%, 54%
(Source: AP-Petside.com poll)
Number of maritime signal-station towers besides the Portland Observatory still in existence in the U.S. today: 0
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Don’t you just want to be the mercy doctor, ending the reign of terror of @ebertchicago?
He’ll be dead really, really soon. So fuck him.
---Red State blogger Caleb Howe, tweeting about Roger Ebert
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Quit whining...you'll grow into 'em.
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CHEERS to Super Tuesday. Today's the day when we get to see some... [Ooh wacka wacka ooh wacka ooooh...] ...hot challenger-on-incumbent action across the country. In Pennsylvania: Republican-turned-Democrat ("So I could get re-e-LEC-ted") Arlen Specter stands a really good chance of getting booted to the nearest shuffleboard court, thanks to Joe Sestak's hard work and brilliant TV ad. In Arkansas, Blanche Lincoln is fighting for her political life, and if a miracle happens she'll get her butt kicked by progressive netroots favorite Bill Halter. In Kentucky, the race I know least about, the man to watch is Jack Conway. Meanwhile, tongues will be waggin' tomorrow as Republicans wake up to find out who wins various teabagger vs. country-clubber feuds. On behalf of the Democratic party I say: may their kookiest freaks win!
JEERS to a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease. Okay, friends, let's just get it out of our system all at once. Trust me, this'll be cathartic. Simply position yourself so you’re facing Connecticut. And now, on three: One... Two... Three... Goddammit, Richard Blumenthal, you MORON!!!!
"We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam," Mr. Blumenthal said to the group gathered in Norwalk in March 2008. "And you exemplify it. Whatever we think about the war, whatever we call it---Afghanistan or Iraq---we owe our military men and women unconditional support."
There was one problem: Mr. Blumenthal, a Democrat who is now running for the United States Senate, never served in Vietnam. He obtained at least five military deferments from 1965 to 1970 and took repeated steps that enabled him to avoid going to war, according to records. ... [A]n examination of his remarks at the ceremonies shows that he does not volunteer that his service never took him overseas. And he describes the hostile reaction directed at veterans coming back from Vietnam, intimating that he was among them.
Smooth move! So much for that 20-point lead that would've let him coast to victory. Y'know, someone in-the-know needs to sit this guy down and teach him Rule #1 about political campaigning: First you win the election and then you become a lying sonuvabitch.
JEERS to embracing the stereotype. The headline is bad enough ("Was Supreme Court Nominee Kagan a Youthful Socialist?"), but then Time magazine devolves into classic (and totally unproductive and non-illuminating) "she said/he said/we're too lazy to fact-check so decide for yourself" journalism. So here we go: She (Elena Kagan) writes '81 undergraduate thesis on New York's Socialist Party. He (Lying liar Erick Erickson from the RedState blog) says the paper proves Kagan is a communist. And then the thrilling conclusion, which we can see coming from a mile away:
People will make of that what they will.
Yeah...a big steaming pile of bullshit. (And Newsweek's the one goin' out of business? Really???)
CHEERS to locking and loading against...litter? A few weeks ago Maine's open-carry crowd held a rally in Portland's Back Cove area. About 75 showed up and it got national media coverage. Last weekend they met again to perform community service by cleaning up litter around the cove. But only a few showed up this time. Now, one might be inclined to suggest that when open-carry gun advocates show up in far greater numbers to rally for their shootin' irons then when they're invited to pick up trash, it reflects poorly on them. But we say those who showed up did a good deed and their effort duly noted, even if they did have guns strapped to their hips, thighs, calves, ankles, armpits, shoulders, biceps and buttocks. (Did it suddenly get hot in here?) Oh, and bonus points for keeping the Confederate flags at home. Here endeth my bipartisan outreach 'o the day.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. My brother in all things except DNA, Jed Lewison, asks: At this point, isn't it obvious that BP is more interested in protecting its own ass than in serving the public interest?
Yes!
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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JEERS to monsters among us. Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty vetoed the "Tim Pawlenty Is Not A Scumbag Act"...
...that would allow a surviving same-sex partner to sue to recover damages in the case of wrongful death and to execute a deceased partner’s funeral wishes. Sen. Scott Dibble, DFL-Minneapolis, called the veto "partisan extremism," and Project 515 said Pawlenty got his "facts wrong."
Forgive me for getting personal, but I'd like my partner, Michael, to know something: Honeybunch, when I die, please don't bury me. Just drag me under Tim Pawlenty's house and leave me there. Revenge is a dish best served pungent over a period of weeks.
CHEERS to happy outcomes. 158 years ago today, Massachusetts ruled that all school-age children must attend school, and that turned out okay. Six years ago yesterday, same-sex couples started getting married there, and that's turned out okay, too. And earlier this year I read that Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the country. I think I've figured it out: the red states don’t hate "liberal" Massachusetts---they're jealous. (How cute!)
CHEERS to pennies from Heaven's Hypocrites. The latest payout from the Catholic Church here in America happened last week in the happy hamlet of Vermont, when the diocese there agreed to shell out---Zoinks!!!---over $20 million to settle 30 cases of abuse by priests. And it's gonna sting a bit:
The 118,000-member diocese will pay the plaintiffs by selling its 32-acre historic headquarters overlooking Burlington's Lake Champlain (it's now seeking new office space) and its 26-acre Camp Holy Cross property along Colchester's Malletts Bay
My question: what the hell is an organization that preaches the words and deeds of the Humble Carpenter doing with a sprawling 32-acre "headquarters" in the first place? Oh, yeah...using it to strategize on how to avoid having to sell it to pay for its past abuses. We'll file this story under "Epic Fail."
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Five years ago in C&J: May 18, 2005
CHEERS or JEERS to pistols at dawn. Their negotiations stymied, Harry Reid and Bill Frist shook hands, kissed, hugged, playfully tousled each other's hair, exchanged iPod playlists...and then moved to opposite ends of Dodge City's dusty main street in preparation for a historic duel over the filibuster. Perhaps it's best if the chi'dren hid in the cellar for awhile...this could get ugly. [5/18/10 Update: Now Republicans filibuster anything that moves. Funny how that works, huh.]
CHEERS to parcel post pinot. A toast to activist judges! The Supreme Court ruled yesterday that wineries can now sell their libations by mail order. You'll know the ruling is in effect when you see your postal carrier stumbling down the block barking at the neighbors.
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And just one more...
JEERS to mass meltage. TRAGEDY! The streets of South Portland were flooded with children's tears Sunday as the landmark ice-cream-shop-in-a-barn known as Red's Dairy Freeze was damaged by the frozen concoction's worst enemy:
The blaze was brought under control in about 20 minutes. It destroyed the back half of the building that held its freezers. The front of the building where workers serve the ice-cream suffered heavy smoke damage. The toppings like Butterfingers and M&M's melted in their containers. The machines that hold and dispense the ice-cream were coated with black soot.
The owner vows to re-open. In the meantime, he plans to make money by putting on display the world's largest mound of congealed toppings. Photos 5 bucks each. Ten bucks and you can gnaw on it for ten seconds.
Have a nice Tuesday. And the next time Barack Obama says he doesn't spend time making backroom deals, don't you believe it!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I was small-time compared to Bill in Portland Maine."
---Gordon Gekko.
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