Hey there everybody! I've got an exclusive to DailyKos here that I'm sure you guys would like to see. Using NOAA weather data and our in-house exclusive S.O.R.O.S. weather forecasting models, I've been able to forecast this weekend's rapture with almost 100% certainty. Use this information freely, just remember to credit the images back to me and the site. :)
On with the forecast!
On Friday, our friends in Europe can expect the Rapture System to advance quickly across the continent from east to west. As seen in the image below, the Rapture System will move over the Black Sea before daybreak on Saturday and come onshore in Romania. It will quickly continue to move east, reaching the Milan, Italy area around noon. The system will strengthen as it passes to the north of The Vatican, and race even faster towards the west, and reach the Bay of Biscay by sundown.
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The Rapture System will reach the United States by early morning on Saturday, May 21st. The first effects will be felt along the immediate Mid-Atlantic seaboard by around 8 or 9 AM, as the system moves inland. By noon, the center of the Rapture will be located almost directly over Washington, DC. Some early rapturing is possible right along the east coast behind the Front of the Blessed Sacrament (in blue). Out ahead of the front, there will be a very nasty pre-rapture squall line in an attempt to scrub the earth of heathens before end of the world on October 21st.
Across the rest of the country, a warm front will stretch from the Rapture center across to about Dubuque, IA in order to give the left-behind a taste of the Hell they're about to experience. Some anointing drizzle is possible across the Mississippi Valley, with nice weather off to the west due to an Atheist High centered over Colorado. Two Holy Highs are centered over Wasilla AK and Stillwater, MN, the homes of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, and there are two "Librul Non-Rapture Exclusion Zones" over parts of the west coast, since few in those areas will be Raptured according to religious experts.
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By 6PM on Saturday, the official time of the Rapture, the center of the system will be over eastern Kansas, and will begin to occlude as cold souls begin to cut off the warm front. Very heavy rapture will occur over most of the eastern US and the deep south due to a Trough of Temptation, with some more anointing drizzle possible over the extreme upper midwest. Two Lack of Rapture watches will go into effect over parts of the Rocky Mountain west, due to lack of population and lack of true Christians in these areas. The Holy High over Minnesota will begin to dissipate out ahead of the Rapture, and another Atheist High will build off the New England coast, bringing cooler and drier air to those left behind.
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Here are some rapture alerts in advance, so you can have time to prepare for your looting and/or saving.
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Using the more advanced features of our S.O.R.O.S. forecast modeling, we can get a detailed satellite and radar composite for parts of the country during the rapture.
Here's a forecast radar out of the DC area as the Rapture approaches from the west. The system needs a ton of energy to be able to pull all those worthy souls up to the heavens, so the convergence of the strong winds will form some explosive thunderstorms out ahead of the system and the Front of the Blessed Sacrament. You can see that the Supercell Thundercross will tear through the DC area from northwest to southeast. Those in these areas will need to seek sturdy shelter around 9AM to stay safe and healthy for their impending ascent to the skies.
Here's a forecast satellite image of eastern Kansas at 6PM, the time of the Rapture and the time of the second forecast map. If you refer back to the second map, you'll see that this is the approximate center of the Rapture, and the satellite is amazing.
Here's the overview:
Zoomed in a bit:
Wait, what's that?
OH MY! Look at that!
Truly astounding stuff, folks. We're in for a very active weekend. Have a safe trip if you Rapture, and for those of us left behind, party at my place. Woop woop!