Good evening, Kossacks. I know that many of you here at the Great Orange Satan are wonderful cooks. Many of you have the opportunity to learn to cook by watching a beloved mother or grandmother cook her special recipes. I was not quite so lucky. My grandma died shortly before my third birthday, and my mom (I do love you, Mom) was not exactly an adventurous cook. To give you an idea, we took Sons 1 and 2 to a really wonderful South Asian restaurant for their high school graduation. My mom ordered the fried chicken rather than something from the traditional Indian menu. My mom's culinary expertise is best summed up by her experience with Mrs. Smith's pies. There are the ones that come frozen, and all you have to do is bake and serve. Mom decided that she was going to try one of these pies when I was about 9 or 10 years old. She baked the first one, took it out of the oven, and promptly dropped it on the floor. She tried again the following night. This time she actually got the pie out of the oven, but when she set it out to cool, the cat got into it. She did not try again.
I am a much more adventurous eater than my mom. Hey, I am a field archaeologist, and we will eat just about anything. Ask me about the pizza I had with mayonnaise in Ukraine last summer. However, there are some things that are just not meant to go together. As zenbassoon mentioned last week, one unfortunate combination is tandoori cauliflower. I would add the mushroom ice cream I was served at a conference in France to that list. One of my worst disasters was topping a perfectly good breakfast casserole with blue cheese because I had run out of cheddar. Just like the fight club, we do not talk about blue cheese in my house.
Follow me below the squiggle for some hints on how to recover from culinary disasters and some fool-proof recipes.
One of the most common cooking disasters is running out of a critical ingredient, usually when the stores are closed. Here are some substitutions you can use for common ingredients:
For 1.5 tsp cornstarch, use 1 tbs flour
For one cup fresh whole milk, use a half cup evaporated milk plus a half cup water or one cup reconstituted nonfat dry milk plus 2 tbs butter or margarine
For a cup of honey, use one and a quarter cups sugar plus a quarter cup liquid.
For a cup of bread crumbs, use a cup of cracker crumbs or matzo meal.
For a cup of buttermilk (I use this to make Irish soda bread, see below), use one tbs of lemon juice or vinegar plus enough milk to make one cup.
Here is a link that provides more details on common substitutions.
Another common problem is too much salt in a soup or stew. To get rid of the salt, peel a potato and add it to the soup. It will soak up some of the excess salt. Be sure to remove it before serving (he he).
Here are a couple of recipes that are both easy and foolproof. Your kids will like them too.
Bisquick Zucchini Pie
This is a really easy zucchini pie. Even my mom could make this. Right about now, you probably have a lot of zucchini. I certainly do. When I was a college and graduate student, I taught swimming in the summer to make money for college. One of the women I worked with had a dad who was a wonderful gardener. He used to give us baskets of zucchini to take to the beach with orders not to bring them home. I have also heard of folks dropping baskets of zucchini on their neighbors' doorsteps, ringing the bell, and running away. This will help make a dent in your zucchini surplus:
3 cups shredded zucchini (about 2 medium)
1 large onion, finely chopped or shredded
one half cup grated Parmesan cheese
one half cup grated cheddar cheese (do NOT use blue cheese)
one half cup salad oil (I use canola)
one cup Bisquick (or the generic equivalent)
4 eggs, beaten
1 tsp parsley
dash of salt and pepper
Combine all ingredients. Pour into greased 9-inch pie plate. Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes until lightly browned. Serve hot or cold.
Irish Soda Bread
5 cups whole wheat flour
2.5 cups white flour
one-third cup sugar
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
one half pound (2 sticks) butter
2 eggs
2 and one-quarter cups buttermilk
Mix the flours, sugar, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl.
Cut the butter into the mix with a pastry cutter (two forks will work if you don't have a pastry cutter).
In a second bowl, beat the eggs lightly and add the buttermilk.
Make a well in the center of the flour mixture, and gradually add the egg mixture. Stir with a wooden spoon after each addition.
Turn the dough onto a lightly floured board and knead until smooth.
Divide the dough into 2 halves (for 2 loaves), and shape each half into a ball. Flatten the balls, and cut an X across the tip of each with a sharp knife
Place the loaves on a lightly buttered sheet and bake at 400 degrees for 50 minutes.
I like to make this bread for my Irish archaeology class.
So what's for dinner at your house. Tell me about some of your great cooking disasters.