Last night, Bill Maher closed with a New Rule on what Colorado needs to do now that pot has been legalized there.
And finally, New Rule: Now that the people of Colorado have legalized pot for everybody — and not just for longtime sufferers of... um... whatever it is I have (audience laughter) — they must realize, they are the Jackie Robinson of marijuana legislation. (audience cheering) Which is why they can't go all Cheech & Chong on us. You guys have to get this right, or it's gonna ruin it for everybody. So embrace it. Be the Jackie Robinson of pot.
(audience applause)
Now, I bring this up because New York Times Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Maureen Dowd recently had a bad pot trip in a Colorado hotel room. And it raised important issues, like, Maureen, you finally decided to do pot, and you didn't ask me to guide you through it? I'm hurt. It's like being personal friends with Hercules and not asking him to help you move. (audience laughter)
I mean, I think you know my credentials, OK? I was #1 on High Times magazine's list of pot comics in 2006.
(audience cheering and applause)
I should've also totally won in '99; I had an amazing year. I also won High Times' best cable news show in '07 when they said, "When it comes to Cannabis advocacy on television, no one can touch Bill Maher." (audience cheering and applause)
I was the keynote speaker at the 2002 NORML convention. I was College Party Guru's #4 celebrity pothead of all time. (audience cheering and applause) And I am the proud owner of this trophy. This is real.
Presented to me. OK, sent to me in the mail, commemorating my induction into the Jose Cuervo Party Hall of Fame in 2000. (audience cheering and applause) OK?
I have spilled more pot than most of you have smoked!
So I believe I have the gravitas to offer some advice to Colorado, and everyone on saving this experiment in personal freedom.
And the first rule is, don't mix pot with alcohol. It doesn't make it better cuz it's two good things. It's like funny porn, it actually... (audience laughter) it actually makes both awful! Even more important, if you've never had pot, don't eat it the first time. Oh God, it's so much more intense when you eat it. It would be like losing your virginity to Ron Jeremy. (audience laughter)
And it's dangerous, since edibles look just like regular food. So a newbie sees a pot brownie, and thinks, "one brownie, one serving". Or, being an American, "six brownies, one serving". Now, if you do eat it, remember, it takes time. So stop watching the clock. Just relax, and trust me, in a couple hours you'll be saying, "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie!" (audience laughter)
Now I personally don't eat it because it makes me paranoid. And nothing ruins a party like people who are paranoid and delusional — just ask the Republicans. (wild audience cheering and applause)
But if you do eat it and get paranoid, this is important: stay out of the bathroom! I don't know why, but paranoid people want to be in the bathroom. I guess they think they'll be closer to emergency facilities like a sink. But they wind up cowering like Oscar Pistorius is on the other side of the door. (shocked audience response)
Oh, and if you are in the bathroom, don't look in the mirror! Just don't. You see, one reason why pot is productive for creative people is it allows you to see things you've long grown accustomed to, as if for the first time. But don't try it with your face! (audience laughter)
Finally, stay away from stuff that's only for veteran smokers. Pot stores sell these super-concentrated pot crystals called keef
that longtime stoners add to their pot because they're jaded. But this stuff is dangerous. It's harvested directly from Willie Nelson's beard. (audience laughter and applause) And it should not be sold to novices.
So Colorado, don't sell keef to novices, talk to customers like a pharmacist would — after all, we are pretending this is medicine — and mostly, stop selling pot products that look like children's candy.
(audience applause)
That's not what stoners would do. That's what RJ Reynolds would do.
(audience applause)
We don't want to market it to children, and I'm sure parents don't want their kids on pot. Adderall? Sure. (audience laughter) Lithium, Lexapro, Klonopin, why not? Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, of course.
But pot is the new kid; it has to play it safe. Let's not throw the baby out with the bongwater. (audience laughter) And let's all of us remember, you don't need to do drugs to have a good time. But why take chances?