He’s been given only a few months to live and told in no uncertain terms that he will not be here for Thanksgiving. He spent the last 3 weeks in the hospital having 10 whole head radiation treatments, and he told pretty much no one.
His reaction is “Nonsense. I already have new experimental treatments lined up, I just have to stay alive for them to work”. He’s been through the initial surgeries for cancer, several sets of chemo and radiation. Two or three experimental treatments in town and the last one was out of town.
Every week he would fly to Boston in the am, get treatment and then fly back that night. It was working and he was moved to monthly treatments. That was going really well. His numbers looked great until they didn’t.
His cancer has moved to a different part of his brain and the doctors say he has no chance of survival. I will say though that I have met 2 or 3 people at Gilda’s Club who were given 6 months or less to live 18, 24 and 27 years ago, so the doctors aren’t always right.
My friend says he feels great. When I was diagnosed with cancer this guy was in my face helping me whether I wanted help or not. He’d say “What time do you want me to come Wednesday night with dinner?” I would tell him I didn’t want him to come and he would show up anyway with dinner and groceries. He did this several times.
So when he was first diagnosed a few years after I was, I wanted to do the same thing. He blew me off. I reminded myself that he has a spouse and family while I don’t. Yet, I know how strong that instinct is to decline help.
I did what I could do. I send him cheery gifts every week. Well, I rotated, one week would be a gift, one week would be a card; funny or cool. He’s an outspoken atheist so I sent him a Jesus magnetic dress up doll kit. I sent Fairy Tale Brownies, I sent stones from a lapidary shop that used to be here in the Kos Katalogue. I sent all kinds of hats and scarves (some from our Kos Katalogue).
I got very few responses about what I sent, well, except for the Fairy Tale Brownies, he went nuts for them, and at one point he asked if I was going to send something every week for the whole 20 weeks of treatment and I said “Yup”. And I did.
But this? This death sentence he’s been given? I don’t think Brownies are going to get it.
I totally understand that he wants to spend his time fighting this to the end, not something I would choose to do but I would like the chance to support his choice. I also understand that he has a family he can lean on and that sometimes he tries to shield me and not add to my own problems. I don’t have the support system or money that he does.
I sent him a very tongue in cheek email asking how I could help and included a resume. I really have no skilz and he knows this. I mean, I have trained all of his dogs for over 15 years but he knows I’m a Luddite and can’t answer a mulitline phone and that I am a space case and could never remember a message or write a phone number down right. So, I’m sure he got a kick out of my email but the response was just “We’ll add you to the list”
He has tons of friends and I’m sure they all want to help. I’m ok with not helping if that’s what he wants. He tends to like to be left alone when going through tough times; to retreat. I want to respect that and at the same time remind him that I am here, I love him and am available to help.
How do I do that? Do I need to do that? I mean I said it once and he knows it anyway. I don’t want this to be about me. I’m not sure what I would want if I was dying. I don’t know what I would want others to do for me.
Have you thought about what kind of help you would want? Have you helped any of your friends or family when they were dying? What did they want?
Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7:30-8:30 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.