If I worked at The Onion, I would be depressed. This election cycle should be a gold mine of satirical material. But who the hell can compete with a campaign that keeps doing stuff any sane editor would reject as too crazy to believe, even as satire?!
Everyone knows, when it comes to the African-American vote, Trump is polling within the margin of error around 0%. That’s not good. I have no idea how he is going to turn that around to acquire a miraculous 95% of black voters. That’s a mystery on par with the location of Atlantis.
One thing I do know is he will need help to realize that goal. Who better to help than Sean Jackson, head of the Black Republican Caucus in Florida? If he can’t do it, nobody can. Mr. Jackson is the man who helped organize Ben Carson’s campaign events in Florida. He’s the man who believes in his heart
Mr. Trump really does have a sincere, passionate interest in black outreach.
Talk about manna from Heaven. Are you kidding me?! There’s a black guy eager to support the Trump campaign who people know, respect and like?! We’re talking about a real black person who does more than just buy Trump’s platform, he buys Trump’s ties, too?!
I can see the reaction now:
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“Bring that guy in right now! I don’t care how you do it. Send him a goddamned limo if you have to! Just. Bring. Him. In! Someone call the networks! We’re going to make this guy a star!
Remember we were talking about launching a new reality TV show after the election? Well now we don’t have to wait! When we pitch this reality TV show, we’re going to set off a bidding war! Imagine this for the opening — the Trump jet lands, the gangway opens and there at the top is Donald with — what’s his name ? Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter. His African-American sidekick. Tight camera on Donald and his Best Friend as they descend the stairs TOGETHER. Then BOOM! Throw the title of the show up on the screen.
WINNERS ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!
Starring Donald J Trump as The Winner
and
[what’s his name] as Donald’s Good Luck Charm
You don’t like that intro? Here’s another one.
Opening shot [Closeup on Donald]
Trump [talking to camera] You know who I am. Why? Because I’m a winner! I’m a winner in business. I’m a winner with the ladies. I’m a winner in politics. Everything I do. Winner. Winner. Winner. Like every winner who plays the roulette wheel at one of my fabulous Trump casinos knows….
[camera pulls back, we see Donald at his desk across from The Black Guy]
Winners always bet on black!
Trump [Turns to his New Best Friend, reaching out to shake his hand] That’s why I’m betting on you, buddy. You’re HIRED! Now, let’s get out there and WIN!
Throw up the title again Winners always bet on black! and then we start the show… wherever the campaign is that day. It doesn’t matter where. I’m telling you, the show writes itself. Just make sure you get some shots of them on the jet so we can write it off later.
Once they’re on the jet, we can send him anywhere in the country. Just let them loose. No script. No rehearsal. Just turn the camera on them and capture the magic. We are going to make so much money on this spin off, it’s sick!
Audacious? Of course. Brilliant? Yes. But I saved the best part for last. Let’s say we don’t win. I’m not saying we’re gonna lose, I’m just saying if we don’t win we have a built in escape hatch…. we blame the black guy!
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That’s what any serious campaign in similar straits might do. At a minimum, any serious campaign would be all over this guy like a cheap suit. But this is no ordinary campaign. As James Carville recently was quoted as saying:
“It’s not a messed-up campaign. It’s not a dysfunctional campaign. There is no campaign.” Carville continued, “Everybody that’s done this for a living and got paid to do it is, like, ‘Oh, my gosh, suppose this works. We’re all rendered useless.’ He will have destroyed an entire profession.”
Have no fear, James. Judging from the way Karen Giorno and the staff of Trump’s Florida campaign have been treating Mr. Jackson, you have nothing to worry about. These guys may serve as a model for future campaigns. But it will be a model of what not to do.
Why do I say that? Because THIS REALLY HAPPENED
When the Secret Service asked Jackson what he was doing backstage at a Donald Trump rally, he identified himself, but none of Trump’s people backstage could vouch for him because none of them recognized him. He claims he asked Giorno to vouch for him, but she said she didn’t recognize him either, so he was escorted out under the assumption he didn’t belong.
In other words, Donald Trump’s own top campaign people in Florida were unable to distinguish the head of the Black Republican Caucus from any other random black guy when they saw him, so by default he was thrown out for being black.
That’s right. The chairman of the Black Republican Caucus of Florida, an avid Trump supporter, was tossed out of a Trump event — for being black and out of place. In Florida.