How are men feeling in the wake of the #MeToo Movement?
This is a sincere, valid question. Why is it relevant? Because women live with men in a dual, and hopefully, someday, equal society. Because men, like women, start off as children and learn what they see; they practice what they know.
For the first time in recorded history, the disparity between women’s rights and privileges and men’s rights and privileges has been recognized by a plurality of society. For the first time in recorded history, the nearly universal (and often sexual) subjugation of the most vulnerable in society (mostly women and children) has been acknowledged. More importantly, it has been judged as unacceptable. There have been actual consequences. Women’s voices have, at last, been heard.
As a woman and a survivor of longterm childhood sexual abuse, I know the very fact that the #MeToo Movement is occurring is a cause for celebration, though the honest emotions that emerge for me when dealing with this issue lie somewhere between tears, relief and nausea. Nothing about this can really feel “good,” except perhaps that thousands upon thousands of women may now possibly feel safe enough to come out of the shadows and stand up to their abusers or their shame. Thousands upon thousands of women may now realize they are not alone, that others have experienced what they have, and possibly realize that it’s not “their fault.” And that is powerful.
But in a way, it’s like naming your cancer. It’s important to know what it is, and what you have to do about it, but it’s still cancer. There’s nothing good about cancer. It’s a vicious disease and it means you harm, even if you survive. Even more if you ignore it. Sexual assault and sexual abuse are like that, too. Perhaps it’s similar to how men feel when they have been to war. It never really leaves you. Even if you never, ever talk about it again. Most of us know a few men like that about war, and a few women like that about abuse. They never talk about it. But it’s still part of them. It still affects them.
So what do men think about the #MeToo Movement and why does it matter?
I became concerned when a significant segment of a liberal blog site I belong to got all weird and snarly after Al Franken was accused by three different women. I, like most people, didn’t know what to think. It was shocking; Al Franken, a beloved Democratic hopeful, seemed an unlikely offender. His first accuser did seem a little suspect. But Franken seemed to handle it well, leaving room for most to continue to support him.
Having been abused on a nearly daily basis by my own sociopathic father for many years, I, like many other childhood abuse survivors, have developed a pretty accurate “creep alarm.” It’s a survival mechanism. We can detect a “creep” long before most women. Still, it’s not foolproof and some guys will always surprise you. Regardless of how it turned out for Franken, I knew he was nothing like my father and other “creeps” I had dealt with over the years. But hands are hands…and when the next three or four women came forward, I knew he was in trouble.
What blew me away, was the reaction on this liberal site. Holy cow! People were not just upset when Franken resigned - they were livid! It was probably more men than women, but lots of women, too. It hurt losing Franken. The words “witch hunt” and “lynching” and “no due process” and “railroaded” were thrown about with many curse words and a lot of bashing of the Democratic women senators who pushed Franken to resign. At first, I, a peacemaker at heart, tried to reason with both sides, but no one was having it. I know that lives can be shredded in hours, while the truth can take years to come out. I was in no hurry to judge. Personally, I am proud of what Franken did by resigning. Even if he has been a little too handsy (and he probably has) he showed us that men can take responsibility and learn and still try to be a fighter for women’s rights, even if it has cost them. The truth of the past may be elusive, but his character going forward will be illuminating. We’ll see.
In the bigger picture, time went by and Franken left the spot light. But those words “witch hunt” and “no due process” didn’t. It soon became apparent to me that this particular website wasn’t a particularly safe place to discuss #MeToo. In fact, if it weren’t for Hollywood and some corporate fallout, I’m not sure it would have continued at all. Politically it seemed radioactive, maybe because it was more bipartisan than was comfortable? It did seem that more and more of the “resistance” was from men, but there have always been a few women that discourage or downplay (or flat-out disbelieve) the validity of other women’s experiences. There are multiple reasons why, but it’s clearly proven by the fact that more white women voted for Donald Trump than voted for Hillary Clinton, despite his revelations on the Access Hollywood Tapes. While most of the “resistance” was very casual, some of it was downright caustic. I was discouraged. This wasn’t about Franken anymore. It really seemed that some of these men were being triggered.
And why wouldn’t they be?
All of a sudden the unwritten rules men have lived by all their lives have changed. If Al Franken, a non-threatening, beloved hero can go down, who is safe? It’s hard not to imagine most men reviewing their past behaviors and relationships with some degree of uncertainty and possibly fear, depending on who you are and how you’ve behaved.
I, for one, initially thrived on the idea of my worst abuser lying in bed at night, worrying about all the women who might come out of the woodwork to accuse him. (Alas, I should have known, it was soon revealed that he is as sick and narcissistic as ever. His Christmas card showed this 90-year-old posed with his wife in one picture and right next to it, a picture of him with another woman!) The worst of these guys are truly sick, my friends; they simply do not see themselves. So first of all, if you are a man, and wondering if you’ve crossed a line, my guess is you are on the right side of the spectrum. It’s appropriate that you’re uncomfortable. We should all be uncomfortable. What are the new rules? When did they change?
I’ve given this a lot of thought. I have a “highly evolved” husband who would never intentionally hurt or abuse a child or a woman. We’ve raised good and respectful sons. They know what happened to me as a child and they have great empathy and understanding for the #MeToo Movement.
But I remember about 20 years ago when my husband was a coach for our youngest daughter’s 6th grade soccer team. He’s a very kid-friendly guy, a real jokester. Anyway, these girls loved him and he loved them. It was all good, lots of work and fun and then we had the end-of-the-season BBQ. The kids and parents gave him a gift and a card and he got tearful and everybody went to give him a hug. Then I saw him, without even thinking, kiss the top of one of the girl’s heads. We have 4 daughters. It just came natural. But I froze inside. I don’t think anyone noticed, except maybe the girl’s mother. I think she blinked twice. And she should have! I knew it was nothing, but did she? Nothing was ever said, and I never mentioned it to him, I knew it would devastate him. Nothing similar ever happened until a few years ago, he went to greet our niece, whom he hadn’t seen in a few years, with a hug and she pushed him away. He was offended (I knew, his pride was hurt) and I had to explain to him (several times) that now that she was a “teenager” with a woman’s body, she was learning how to control who has access to it and that it was a good thing she felt she could tell him, “No more hugging.” But this wonderful man, whom I love dearly, had to make it “her problem.” Ugh. I’m happy to say, after #MeToo, he finally gets it!
I’m not a boy, but I was close to my sons as they grew up. I heard about how the cool kids talk in the locker rooms. In high school, my younger son was very individualistic. By his junior year, he had already tried out Buddhism, studied Kung Fu, Chinese, was an expert swimmer, very smart, and was now involved in a serious relationship with a Christian girl. He decided to join the hockey team for the heck of it, even though he’d never played before. He and his girlfriend were taking a True Love Waits class every Wednesday that made him late for practice. He got razed every single time. When one of the star players bragged about having been drunk for 19 days in a row and having “screwed” every cheerleader, he lost it and told them how stupid they were. (His own natural father was an alcoholic serving hard time for a violent act committed in a drunken rage, so he knew what he was talking about.) They jumped him. His voice cracked just a little when he told me about it later that night. He was pretty tough from all his Kung Fu training, and he didn’t seem too physically hurt. I was very proud, but inside, my heart was breaking for him.
These past few weeks, however, my heart has been breaking just a little for the guys that jumped him. And a lot for the girls those guys talked about.
Because those guys were popular. They were the stars. Somehow they thought that’s how they were supposed to act. And, no doubt, some of them would go on to be successful leaders because those are the guys we promote in our society. The ones who get drunk and sleep with cheerleaders and brag about it in the locker-room and beat up the kids who question them. It starts so young. Somehow those guys thought that was a measure of their worth. I have little doubt that girls and women have helped pay for that sense of worth along the way.
My heart has also been breaking for all the guys like my son who watched from the sidelines and thought, “Maybe that’s how I’m supposed to act,” or got beat up because they were different. Though I know that once in a while those are the guys who grow up and remember how they felt around those meaner, stronger guys who had the power. Sometimes those quiet, bullied guys grow up and get some power and take it out on those they have power over, usually women or children. And that’s not pretty either. (My father was one of those guys.)
But sometimes it’s just regular guys being regular guys.
Over my fairly long life, I’ve been abused. I’ve been assaulted. I’ve been harassed. I’ve been propositioned inappropriately. And I know at some point in their lives, most women experience one or more of these things.
I’ve also been accidentally brushed up against. I’ve been flirted with. I’ve said “no” to guys who listened. I suppose I’ve even been propositioned appropriately.
These are not the same things. What is the difference?
Our society practically trains boys to assume sexual entitlement with the constant reveling of successful sexual boorish men; is not the election of the famous “p*ssy-grabber” the most revealing example? The constant barrage of sexual innuendo and the insinuation that everybody is having sex all the time with anybody is almost impossible to combat against. Anyone is fair game and the rules seem fluid. It’s a lot like the locker room in high school. Isn’t that how every male is supposed to be? Perhaps most damaging is the message that it’s not just okay - it’s expected.
This message is damaging to both boys and girls, men and women.
Up until now, saying you respect women and would have sex with only one woman would likely get a man ridiculed. Even beaten up. Honorable men in the past were the ones who simply kept their mouths shut. Now, they are the few men willing to speak up - in support of women. A lot of honorable men will be marching in solidarity with women on Sunday. But it must be scary.
In one season, the rules have changed. What were once common bragging rights can suddenly get one fired or sued. For some, behaviors that have been tolerated for decades, are now a liability. Because, what, exactly, are the new rules? I haven’t seen them posted anywhere, but if I were a man, I’d sure want to know. Some rules are actual laws. That should be a no-brainer. (Though in reality, even Hollywood has long promoted and sensationalized the breaking of these laws, so a bit of confusion is, perhaps, understandable.)
And what if you have played a little fast and loose in the past? Should you be worried now? Should you do anything or say anything? Can you change your behavior? Do you think you need to? Or are you angry? Furious and flabbergasted that men aren’t getting due process? Do you believe these thousands of women who have spoken of their experiences? Have you talked to the women in your life about their perspectives? Are you willing to?
All men are not sexual offenders. Most men certainly don’t intend to be. But many men have been poorly instructed on the proper ways of treating women. They have had some poor teachers, poor examples and a pretty ugly history to overcome. (Not entirely different from the women who have been misused and abused for so long.) Women’s voices are finally being heard. But, for true healing and progress, I think we must remember to ask men what is in their hearts at this critical juncture.
We, women, must also listen, with compassion, and perhaps some forgiveness of acknowledged error, so that we can all learn and grow and change. We must listen so that they can listen. So that together men and women can provide a better example to our children and their children - so that men and women might live in a truly equal society one day.