I have been very depressed and down on myself going through substance abuse rehabilitation. I first became a member back in aught 5 (2005) when I was in graduate school . I completed my master's degree in math and became decidedly more progressive and through that and moving away from my super fundamentalist church in large part due to their attacks on me due to my migraines (for going to church with a migraine and wearing Sun Glasses) and their theonomy (all despite my 8 mission trips to Mexico...). At the time, candidly the worst thing I did was (and I admitted this on Daily Kos and am not proud of it) visited less than 5 times a strip club. Nevertheless, this was sufficient to justify apparently a divorce and the church's apparent support of the divorce left me without a friend a wife and hurting like crazy. I continued with my ph.d. and won a great award but was still hurting so much. I was not picky and needed someone. Well, I ended up getting together with someone less accepting and much much older, bigoted (which I did not expect), a high school graduate. She had been beaten up physically by her ex husband and abused people often become abusers. I am drawn to be the white knight who rescues others. I had a super severe car accident in which I went up in the air 17 feet and hit a pole and I inside the car flipped several times and the car and I landed upside down on a stone gate when I was trying to escape from people who seemed to be on drugs. This car accident made me frequently susceptible to debilitating migraines and damaged my spine and neck all of which can be seen on my mri. Prior to the divorce, I was on my wife's insurance and I was seeing a neurologist who was treating me holistically with a small amount of hydrocodone and lots of other treatments (electrical stimulation, a device to force me to look straight ahead and not up and down at an angle, chiropractic work, physical therapy...). With the divorce and the lack of insurance, I could no longer see the neurologist. I stopped taking the medication and was taking nothing. And I started seeing Lorrie.
Well, I started teaching again but had to get up at 4am to get to my school 2 hours away and got home at 9pm or later. She asked me to move in with her very early on as I was a very good role model for and step dad for her daughter. Her daughter later said that I was a better dad to her than her actual biological father. Her first daughter had been taken away from her. Well, Lorrie saw that I was in a lot of pain and had a horrific work schedule. She had more hydrocodone in the world than anybody else. She had her own script of 180, 3 of her sister's scripts of 180, her niece's script of hydrocodone, her amputee brother in law's script of 180 and she started giving them to me. I was oblivious to the danger. She had so much and I had such long days and was hurting so much that soon I was taking a huge amount of them. Well, then she had me. She started the abuse. I could have no friends that she did not know. She appeared 25 years older than me, like my mom which was the assumption of strangers who saw us together. She looked at every call I had made, every email in email in box, and every text sent to me. My money went to her bank account to which I had zero access. I did the laundry, her daughter's room (which was three feet high daily in trash ), the trash, the dishes, our bedroom, the laundry, swept, mopped, and everything else. I always worked 60 to 80 hours a week and tutored and she got all of that money. My name was not on any document, lease, electrical, internet, cable, nothing. So, I could not leave. My vehicle went out and that made it worse. I did not want to ride with her anywhere because I would have to listen to her shout and scream the most graphic and vicious insults she could issue forth. Her second daughter was not immune to her attacks and attempted suicide. So, she also like the first daughter was taken away after going to the hospital, but eventually thanks to me in part was able to come home. I also helped her do well in school and she just started college this semester. Lorrie would shout at the top of her lungs non stop at me like, "I hope you kill yourself!!! I hate you !!!"... I would cry non stop. I cried at work even though I tried not to.
My childhood was brutal. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my dad wanted nothing to do with me and my mom took out her anger at my dad on me despite the fact that I did all the chores, I held her while she cried every night when I was 10 and was at a special school for gifted kids and made exceptional grades and my younger sister at 9 was smoking. I was given fewer privileges and attention and love. I suffered from great depression. My dad had gone on to marry a wealthy socialite and then he earned more money than her family had. Their next door neighbors sold their house for about 15 million dollars. It was in Westchester County. Chevy Chase lived near them. Eventually, I had some contact with my Dad, but it was always distant with suspicion on both sides despite my best non stop attempts to make it warm. I hit myself in the face so hard and so often my step dad thought I was in fights. I attempted suicide numerous times and numerous ways and am “lucky” to be alive.
I did not have any good way of gaining help from him due to the distant relationship. In July, I eventually faced my problem of substance abuse (which was unknown to anybody in my family as I was not close to anybody and nobody stayed in touch with me and they lived in California and New York respectively). I, entirely of my own volition, without any encouragement from anybody else chose to enroll in Laurel Ridge and completed my in patient treatment over 8 days. However, the eight days, I realized, was utterly inadequate to resolve my profound substance abuse of 6 years and emotional abuse of 6 years and my deep depression. I therefore went on to out patient treatment and quickly secured a full time job while doing medication assisted treatment. I am working full time at a call center called Alorica in Universal City . My medication is $17/day but it is the treatment recommended by the Surgeon General and the CDC based on 20 years of research. I separated from Lorrie the day I went to Laurel Ridge treatment Center. My only companion is my loyal love Fluffy the Great who sleeps by me and marches on me and never leaves my side while I cry every day. I work full time. I do not sleep well as a consequence of going through this. I wake up at 10 pm, 1130 pm, 130, and 315 pm approximately and that is more or less my norm. I have to get up at 420 am and go to my treatment center M-F and then immediately go to work at Alorica where I must arrive by 7 am. Then I work all day until 330pm. I go to my living quarters where I am completely alone and isolated except for Fluffy the Great. Sat and Sun I go to the treatment center at 7 am and try to recover because of my lack of sleep. My plan is to work overtime and tutor on the week end as I have in the past. However, I struggle to stay awake at work and driving home now and my body cannot keep up. This is probably also why I was sick recently. I had a 101 fever, a virus and an infection. Consequently, as I was vomiting nonstop I did end up missing two days and will not have a full paycheck. Since I am attempting to to replace two days of income, my goal is at a minimum approximately $200. However, that is a minimum to even give me any chance at meeting the most basic needs for me and Fluffy. That $200 would not include an upcoming doctor’s visit which I need but cannot afford. For that reason, more would be greatly appreciated.Given my set expenses, I could not afford the lost wages, but I simply could not work vomiting and with a fever. Out of depression and my other circumstances, I have simply not been able to interact and write diaries as I used to . I did early vote on Mon Oct 22 for Beto and all Ds after work and barely stayed awake.
I have worked hard to get and stay clean and am working full time. I am doing everything I can to earn income and limit my expenses. I never go out anywhere alone or with anybody. I have been if anything overly transparent by giving my full name and address and my work information in my diaries despite being warned against it. I have been active on Daily Kos for about 13 years and therefore am a known quantity, a vocal Hillary supporter, a proud supporter of our party, my party, the Democratic Party. My biggest issue is social/racial justice for the vulnerable, for women, for people of color, for people of attacked religions, for LGBT especially,... I care about universal health care and support it unequivocally and support action to slow down/stop climate change. I support women having the right to make their own health care choices always at any time in their pregnancy or in any other situation. I voted for President Obama 3 times, in the primary, the general and the second general. I enthusiastically voted for Hillary Clinton and have too much to say about what happened there and some of which would not be well received by a certain faction. I have too much to say about Trump to start, but it is known . It is in almost all of my passwords at work .*NeverTrump2020 and #NeverTrump2020 etc. I am a progressive Democrat.
I am struggling and not benefiting from 3 degrees, my master's degree in mathematics and my work on my ph.d. nor my teaching certificates which are valid until 2024 and which can be verified by anybody doing a google search with my name robert allen proctor iv and sbec view educator certificate Texas.. I know now is not a wise time, however, for me to teach because of my recovery. I need help because I can barely make ends meet for me and Fluffy the Great when I have a full paycheck and now I will be missing two days of it. Therefore, I need help to make up for that. Even that would enable me to scrape by. More would be greatly appreciated, but that much would keep the two of us going.
I greatly appreciate any help anybody would be kind enough to give me. Paypal is best for me. robertallenproctor4@gmail.com
Sincerely,
Robert Allen Proctor IV
Sunday, Nov 4, 2018 · 1:16:19 PM +00:00 · Dem
I wrote thank you emails to each person who was kind enough to help and sent me money, but I also want to encourage those who are kind enough to help me emotionally and support me emotionally which I am also greatly in need of. My depression is a serious obstacle especially because of how isolated I am which leads to my episodes of tears that do not quickly stop. Thank you so much for the kind words here. I have been advised by perhaps my closest Kossack friend here (Bfitz who was wrongly bojoed) to edit this and shorten it greatly. I am sure she is right. I just wrote the truth from my heart. I am reticent to change it since it could confuse some people who saw it earlier and I am loathe to cause confusion from my diary.