(DRUMPF runs up to Vladimir Putin and kisses him on the lips, Putin spits on the floor and wipes his mouth on his sleeve in disdain and disgust)
DRUMPF: “Vladimir!!! I’ve missed you terribly, please hold me.”
Putin: “Yes Donnie dear, I know it’s been hard on you lyubov moya, but big Vladdy Daddy is here now to make it all better.”
DRUMPF: “It IS hard Vladdy Daddy, in America it’s not like you have it in Russia, the people here actually care about their freedom. They don’t just do everything I say. They aren’t afraid of me like your people are afraid of you, and the press is so mean to me (sniff sniff.) Please tell me how to be more like you.”
Putin: “Patience lapochka, You aren’t there yet, you see even though your voters and supporters are so stupid that they believe all the lies that are coming out of your deceitful mouth, you must continue to try to discredit and ridicule journalists. The Republicans in your party are spineless “yes men” who are willing to sell out your country to mother Russia and anyone else to stay in power you must realize that a free press is the only thing that is able to hold you accountable, your free press is the ONLY thing standing between you and complete dictatorship. Remember when you get rid of all accountability then no one can stop you. Only then will you be able to kill, jail and completely silence all who oppose me... ahem, I mean you. After that democracy will be dead and we will BOTH win.”
DRUMPF: “I guess you’re right Vladdy Daddy, but my approval rating is only 40% why don’t people like me? After all I’m rich right? I mean everyone loves rich people don’t they? I say mean and nasty things when I pretend to be a tough guy like you. I bully women, I scare children, I make hand gestures that I see the gangsters make in movies, I talk loud and I try to sound important so that everyone knows when I’m saying something, How come everyone doesn’t love me? I thought if I became president my daddy would be proud of me.”
Putin: You know, I have been meaning to tell you. You are a petulant crybaby , a fragile little boy whose decisions are made for him by his ego. You cry over your feelings like a spoiled child. Do not make me sorry that I stole the election for you. If I find that you endanger my plans with your incessant whining I will put someone else into power. Now, forget the people, they don’t matter. Trust me when you start putting journalists in jail and making your enemies and dissidents “disappear” your approval ratings will go up. Lmaooo. Trust me on that one. Do not worry my little Drumpfenstein, The only thing that matters is money, power and our plan to dominate the world and make it safe from all the people that don’t look like us. The people will like you when you give them NO CHOICE to because they know you will take their lives if they say anything different publicly. Well, not you personally because as we both know you are a … umm how you say? A coward… nothing but a yellow, I mean an orange coward, but you know what I mean.
DRUMPF: “Please don’t be mean to me, I do everything you say, and I even brought your people into the White House and the Oval Office to report to you that I fired the director of the FBI, didn’t that make you happy Vladdy Daddy, what else can I do for you?”
Putin: “Yeah I have to give you credit for that one, that took real balls, or you’re just too stupid to know better. Either way was that was gangsta and your people did NOTHING about you giving away secret Israeli intelligence to me. Even I didn’t see them being THAT weak. You know you are going to have to get rid of US sanctions against my country, they are unacceptable and the main reason I helped you cheat to win in your fake democratic election.”
DRUMPF: “Ummmm I don’t know Vladdy, I mean I’m being investigated for colluding with you already, lifting the sanctions doesn’t seem like it’s going to make me popular. Hey, by the way can you tell me what colluding means? I thought it meant like being CULUELESSSSS or something.”
Putin: “There you go with that need to be “popular” again. I swear you are so $#&@! NEEDY, did your mother of father not hug you when you were a boy?? Do you want to be popular or powerful and rich because you DON’T ALWAYS GET TO BE BOTH … I keep telling you don’t worry about the investigation. By the time the investigation is over… I will… Ummm I mean YOU will have control over all aspects of your weak and racist government.” Besides, you are disposable and will become unnecessary the more you stupid Americans become unable to trust your failed democracy… Sad.”
DRUMPF: “Ummm, Ok I guess but I do want people to like me no matter how much of an asshole I am, I mean if you’re rich you should be able to do or say anything. It shouldn’t matter that I am lying, stealing, subverting democracy and selling out America to you as well as using the office of The President of the United States of America just to get richer, I mean it’s the American way right?”
Putin: Thaaaattssss right malysh, now just keep on doing what I tell you to do and everything will be fine. Cry, whine, pout, threaten, lie, flip flop and keep selling out your people. Now lift those sanctions.
DRUMPF: “Sniff sniff, Ok Vladdy Daddy whatever you say, now you know we have to pretend like I told you to stop hacking our elections, we have to act like I wasn’t in on the plan from the beginning.”
Putin: “Da, good idea, I’ll storm out like I’m angry and you walk out with that stupid ass, sanctimonious grin you wear when you want to pretend like you just did something. You know like when you sign one of those executive orders that you don’t have a clue about because you don’t read anything and all you know is what FOX and Friends told you.”
DRUMPF: “Yeah yeah, then I’ll read something off the teleprompter so everyone can say, he sounds “precendented, I mean Presidented, Umm Prepositional… YOU KNOW what I mean.”
Putin: “Not really, in fact NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN, including you, but that’s the beauty of this whole plan, your political base is so stupid they only think along terms of black and white and they will believe ANYTHING we say because we are white even though it is and always has been Russia’s goal to topple American democracy. Imagine all that had to happen was for a black man to be elected as president and they are willing to THROW IT ALL AWAY, this is almost TOO easy.” Just make sure you throw some shade at Barack Obama every once in a while so people will remember they prefer the white Russian communist dictator to the well meaning nigger. It’ll work every time, they won’t even KNOW WHY.