In fourteen years on Daily Kos, I’ve tried to write about the community, about times we get together, about campaign politics, the DNC and issues I care about. Every so often, I do exactly what the title suggests, I just diary. Just personal thoughts to share because, in so many ways, the Daily Kos community has become my family over the years. Many of you I’ve come to know personally, some of you only through email. I’ve been to houses and restaurants, meetings in numerous states, and have shared in the joy and sorrow of activists around the country.
As I ended last year I had never imagined how this year would go, but I want to share a few experiences for my online family. The biggest is simple: drastic life changes are far more difficult than they seem on the outside. During the course of this year, I’ve been through a hospice and passing, the movement of my oldest son into residential care, and my youngest has moved on to his college life, hospitalization and so much more. In one short year, I have moved from one type of life experience to something entirely different.
I think the first note I had received regarding what it means to go through such big changes was supportive and came from a Daily Kos community member — “it’s OK, we’ve got you”. But at the time, so soon after such big changes, I think I felt stunned into silence. Work had become something I focused on because continuing to do work, and hopefully, good work, made things feel “normal”, as though there were changes, sure, but it would be normal and things could be OK and I could immediately get back on to working on the things that I care about and “hey it will be OK”.
It is difficult to explain the complex nature relationships take in our lives, how they impact it, and what remains afterward, and how you sort out the aftermath. Frankly, I still haven’t worked it all out. Only a few days ago, just after Thanksgiving, I received cremated remains in the mail — which I have to admit, is not an ideal holiday gift. Looking back, I will certainly not miss 2019.
If you try and sort out solutions quickly, it can really be a hell of a thing — I guess that is the best way I can say it. We all think we have an easy answer to “move on”. More than once advice I’ve received has been all over the map. The one item that has been consistent is simple: things can get easier going forward if you let it, time can heal many things.
I always find hope in the future, that things can and will improve as we go on, and that it is important we continue to fight for our values and push forward. What no one can really explain is that process can be fraught with judgments, difficulties, and internal self-concern you had never fully realized before.
One thing that has comforted me through so much of this has been continued work at Daily Kos on behalf of our community, who have been so supportive of what we’ve been writing and doing, and it is often community input that leads directly to things I write or meetings where we provide information and help. Doing something is often a comfort when there is not much to actually “do”. Neeta, my department head and others were unbelievably supportive and without that, I can’t imagine how much more difficult this year would have been.
Entering into the holiday season, I think about renewal and opportunity. We look forward to 2020 as a renewal and an opportunity for our country, but every year, every day, is a chance to be just a bit better than we were the day before. Truly, despite Melania’s garble, the attempt to “be at our best”.
It is often hard to admit to ourselves that the holidays can be blue. I know there are a lot of Americans who feel just like I do — and what makes them blue can be different, but we’re a pretty big contingency of people. I just wanted to say: I see you. I hear you. And I have no shame at all admitting that I am one of you.
Find peace and joy in the new year, my family and friends here. Looking forward to the holiday seasons and the promise of spring!