From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Breaking the Cohen of Silence Edition
"Today Trump's lawyer Michael Cohen testified about the president and all his scandals. He called Trump a conman, a cheat, and a racist. Trump heard that and was like, 'Great, now I need a new 2020 campaign slogan.'”
—Jimmy Fallon
"President Trump and North Korean president Kim Jong Un began their summit in Vietnam today, where Trump referred to Kim as 'his friend.' And Kim said to Trump, 'Quiet! I'm watching the Michael Cohen testimony!'"
—Seth Meyers
"Cohen said that Trump has gone to great lengths to keep his SAT scores secret. They must be terrible. No wonder Trump created his own university. 'Hey, Ma, I got into Trump University! High-five!'"
—Conan O’Brien
"There they are: the world's two most famous victims of Super Cuts." ---Jimmy Kimmel
Michael Cohen Testimony Clip: Mr. Trump had frequently told me and others that his son, Don Junior, had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.
Jimmy Kimmel: So you see there are things we can all agree on, on both sides of the aisle.
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
It’s March 1. Star Wars Episode IX opens in 293 days. Synchronize your watches…...NOW.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 1, 2019
Note: Because of your insolence and treason, official White House press statements will no longer be released with little hearts over the i's, and the breath of our White House spokespeople will no longer be lightly scented with jasmine. This is your fault, you horrible, horrible peasants. Thanks for ruining everything for the rest of us, and no, this has NOTHING to do with my freakish receding hairline so shut up shut up shut up!!! ---Oberunterfuhrer Stephen Miller
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til spring: 19
Days 'til the 25th annual Honolulu Festival: 7
Number of the three quarterly IAEA reports issued since Trump pulled us out of the Iran nuclear agreement that show Iran is still fully complying with it: 3
Sen. Majority leader Mitch McConnell's approval rating in his home state of Kentucky, according to a new PPP poll: 33%
Drop in U.S. soybean prices last year, thanks to Trump's tariffs: 15%
Percent of Maine’s' overall power that will come from renewable sources by 2069 under a climate agenda announced by Gov. Janet Mills yesterday: 100%
Estimated global population in 2050, up from 7.5 billion in 2017: 9.8 billion
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Your Thursday Friday Molly Ivins Moment:
The redistribution of wealth upward keeps getting worse. Under President Bush's tax proposal, the richest 10 percent of Americans will get 60 percent of the benefits of the tax cut. And this is at the end of a decade in which the rich have made out like bandits while everyone else stalled.
We all know why such decisions are made: The political process no longer represents the people -- it represents money. It's been bought. While we were being sold a bill of goods about how the market "empowers" us because we get to choose between the mint-flavored and the cinnamon-flavored toothpaste, thus expressing our individuality, we lost something important in our vision of a just society.
---January, 2001
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Up the Maine Turnpike apiece, in Lewiston, a disabled veteran whose service dog saved her life is paying it forward…
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CHEERS to March! Highlights of the month that will soon erupt into madness: coming in like a lion and hopefully going out like a Lamb. Expect more House hearings galore, as well as Mardi Gras (the 5th) Daylight Saving Time (the 10th), Peanut Month (Caution: may contain peanuts or peanut products), Women's History Month, Caffeine Awareness Month (I'm aware! I'm aware! I'm aware!!!), St. Patrick's Day, Girl Scout Day, Worship of Tools Day (not sure if they mean the screwdriver or the Matt Gaetz variety), Something-on-a-Stick Day, International Women's Day (the 8th), the infamous Ides, the full "worm moon" on the 20th, some potentially decent movies (Tim Burton's take on Dumbo, the doc Apollo 11, Captain Marvel with Brie Larson in the title role...oh, and only NINE MONTHS ‘til Star Wars Episode IX!!!), and spring arrives, like this:
Poink! Poink! Poink Poink Poink!!!
I also believe March is one of the months of the year in which Republicans act like total reality-denying jerks, the others being January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December. Plus: as of today we've made it through one-sixth of 2019. Slap another gold star on your tuchus and give yourself a high-five.
CHEERS to that strange new sound in the House. [Bam! Bam! Bam!] Oh, wow, kids, did you hear that? That's the sound of Speaker Nancy Pelosi's new Let's Get Some Shit Done Around Here gavel (not to be confused with Paul Ryan's Let's Keep This Safely Locked in a Drawer Except to Pass Tax Cuts for the Rich gavel). Here's what Ol' Bam Bam accomplished this week:
No f*cking wall The House has voted to block President Donald Trump's emergency declaration, a measure intended get him billions of extra dollars to build his border wall. Democrats pushed the measure through the chamber by 245-182, with 13 Republicans joining them. Passage by the GOP-led Senate seems possible next month.
No more sloppy gun sales, parts I and II The House Thursday approved another piece of legislation to broaden federal gun-control legislation. The bill gives the FBI more time to do background checks on gun purchasers. It comes a day after the chamber passed a bill extending the checks to private firearms sales. … The latest bill would extend the time sellers have to wait before completing a gun sale.
According to NPR, "both measures face long odds at becoming law." And for that you can thank the Senate's Mitch McConnell and his Let's Keep This Safely Locked in a Drawer Except to Approve Right-Wing Jesus-Freak Judges gavel.
CHEERS to the swingiest swing state in all of Swingdom. I was hatched at Mercy Hospital in Mount Vernon, Ohio in August of 1964, and that makes me a dyed-in-the-wool Buckeye. So it goes without saying that today I'm wishing a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my home state---216 years young. Seven mostly-crappy presidents from Ohio were elected, and you all wisely stopped nominating us after Harding kicked the bucket in 1921. It's the only state whose flag is a pennant. And we're the proud birthplace of Steven Spielberg, Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Orville Wright, Clark Gable, Gloria Steinem and one or two others.
Ohio is also home to one of America’s best sitting senators: Sherrod Brown.
Oh,and in the interest of fairness I should also mention that some peoplesay Nebraska was admitted to the union on this date in 1867.Can't say I'm familiar with it, but I'll take 'em at their word.
CHEERS to helping hands. Happy Peace Corps Week! The organization that John F. Kennedy built turns 58 today, and it's still crankin' out the good works:
More than 20 Peace Corps Week events are taking place across the country. Activities include discussion panels with returned volunteers, recruitment events, storytelling nights, video screenings and art shows.
JFK greets Peace Corps volunteers in 1962.
The Peace Corps sends Americans with a passion for service abroad on behalf of the United States to work with communities and create lasting change.
Through their Peace Corps experience, volunteers gain a unique cultural understanding and a life-long commitment to service that positions them to succeed in today's global economy.Since President John F. Kennedy established the Peace Corps in 1961, more than 230,000 Americans of all ages have served in 141 countries worldwide.
Fifty-eight years later, it's still "the toughest job you'll ever love." Especially if you bring a few cases of Bacardi along. And limes. Without limes it's intolerable.
CHEERS to fun things a president can do as his country disintegrates from a Great Depression. On March 3, 1931, President Herbert Heebert Hoobert signed a measure making "The Star-Spangled Banner" our official national anthem. Hey, let's all sing the third stanza! And a-one and a-two...
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore,
Fun fact: The Star Spangled Banner was originally written for solo Alpine horn.
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion
A home and a Country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash’d out their foul footstep’s pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave,
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
On second thought, let's just stick with the first.
CHEERS to home vegetation. It's a so-so weekend for watching the flickering cathode-ray tube. Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O'Donnell undump the Friday news dump on MSNBC. (Bill Maher is off tonight, so no Real Time on HBO).
BREAKING: “The manual multi-channel changer (patent pending) is destined to change the television viewing experience around the world and require no further improvements for at least the next 200 years. Incredible!”
---RCA marketing department ad copy sometime in the 1950s, probably, I bet.
New home video releases include Melissa McCarthy's amazing turn as writer Lee Israel in Can You Ever Forgive Me? and the animated Ralph Breaks the Internet. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Comedian John Mulaney hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes, an organization trying to improve parity among men and women in the world of computer coding, and a freight train conductor recounts the night an Amtrak train ran into him in South Carolina, killing two. Sunday at 8 on ABC a new season of---are you sitting down?---American Idol premieres like a zombie that just can't be put down. Homer is accused of stealing Comic Book Guy's car on The Simpsons, and Peter goes on a diet on Family Guy. Finally, John Oliver sends the world off to beddy-bye at 11 on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup
Meet the Press: TBA
And on “A.M. Joy,” the A-list panels will dive into the Cohen hearing, Javanka skullduggery, and Korean summit debacle.
Face the Nation: National security Boobitty-boo John Bolton; House Intelligence Committee chair thrower Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sen. Doug Jones (D-AL).
This Week: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: National security Loop-dee-doo John Bolton; Sens. Mark Warner (D-VA) and John Kennedy (R-LA).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: National security whackadoo John Bolton.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 1, 2009
CHEERS to an early St. Patrick's Day. Your eyes are not deceiving you---that is a rainbow over the White House, and at the end of it is a great big pot of budget!!! Yes, it's that time again---the day the President releases his 39,000-page monstrosity that will gut the military, coddle the moochers, bankrupt our healthcare system and destroy the job-creating engine of our economy!!! Or, if you prefer it in non-Fox News speak:
President Obama will propose a series of changes to the tax code in a budget plan Tuesday that would shift benefits from top earners to middle- and lower-income Americans, the White House said. In his 2015 budget plan, Obama will propose expanding or making permanent tax credits aimed at the working poor, families with young children, and college students. Obama’s budget would also expand access to retirement savings for people who do not have an employer-sponsored retirement plan.
The new tax breaks would be offset by eliminating tax rules that have benefited top earners
And also in this budget there's no attempt to cut Social Security. If anyone asks, those aren’t gnats buzzing around the homes of Simpson and Bowles. They're grief counselors.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to seeing to a bit of unfinished business. We weren’t well enough to post yesterday (sorry), February 28th, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to shirk my sworn duty to say “Happy Birthday, and many blessings on your camels” to all the “Leaplings” born on the 29th.
Sorry, no leap year Google doodle this year.
You’d think that if God was all great and powerful over everything, She would have made leap years unnecessary. But nooooooooooo. She done gave our planet the wibbledy-wobblies, and now there’s an unfortunate group of people on this earth who only get a birthday every four years (2020 brings with it the next February 29th). The list includes Pope Paul III, Jimmy Dorsey, Dinah Shore, grifter Anthony Robbins, Ja Rule, and renowned composer Gioachino Rossini (the Lone Ranger theme guy). But never fear, Leapers, as long as C&J is here we’ll always stuff our faces with cake and ice cream in your honor. Oh, and sometimes historic things happen on the 29th, too. For example, on this date in 1964, Australian swimmer Dawn Fraser set a new world record in the 100-meter freestyle swimming competition. Her time: 58.9 seconds. The piranhas chasing her: 59.0.
Have a great weekend. And a big happy birthday to Daily Kos legend side pocket...enjoy your 80% discount at Denny’s, and many blessings on your camels. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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