This has been a momentous, and somewhat difficult, week. Yes, that applies to politics and international relations to be sure, but it also applies to my personal experiences.
Last night my wife left for a weekend birding trip with her father and nephew, leaving me to myself. After puttering around, doing usual weekend tasks of laundry, house,and yard, wasting too much time unnecessarily, I left home — without either computer or book to distract me — and sat in my local Starbucks, earphones giving me access to a Shuffle of my I-Tunes library of 768 tracks covering a wide expanse of musical genres, sat with a notebook and pen, and began to reflect. Ideas came and went, and slowly a series of thoughts began to form into a semi-coherent something. This posting is a result of that, of walking around in the aftermath of a light rain smelling the freshness of the air without the annoying pollen that can so often torment hayfever sufferers like myself, and then a quiet drive home.
This may or may not be of interest to anyone except me. I can accept that. I offer what appears below the fold in case it might. Make of it what you will.
On May 1st I had electronically submitted my resignation to my school system. On that Friday, May 3, as I was leaving school, my principal stopped me to talk with me, shocked at my decision, making it clear he wanted a chance to talk me into staying. While doubtful, I agreed to listen if he would set a time. One week ago today I wrote about all that in this post, which many of you read and on which you were kind enough to comment.
I was out of school Monday, visiting a small church-related private school near Annapolis, that after a phone interview with the head had invited me to visit and spend the morning. That afternoon, while I was not present, the principal announced to the faculty meeting the creation of department chair positions which would have involved teaching one class and then spending the rest of the time helping to develop the faculty in the core subjects. It was for such a position that he wanted me to apply.
Meanwhile, the saga of the young teacher in the school whose treatment had been the final straw in my decision to resign continued, with ups and downs. Without going into details, s/he was given one set of information from a high ranking district official, then a day or so later given a formal notice that not only was contradictory to what she had been told, but was, to put it bluntly, bullshit. That made it clear to me that under no circumstances could I return. I have not had the conversation with the principal, and now probably will not. By now most of the administrative team knows I am leaving, as do most of my fellow 8th grade teachers. They have expressed disappointment, and tried to persuade me to reconsider, but to no avail.
I was one of three people invited to visit that school. I was the first. On Friday I was informed that they had decided I was not a fit for them. So be it. Meanwhile I had applied on Friday morning to another church related school, this one in Baltimore. I had a pleasant exchange of emails with the head of the school. This afternoon I received an email from the department chair, who wants to speak with me by phone some afternoon this forthcoming week. Perhaps this will work out, perhaps not. But the mission and orientation of this school, whose religious base is not mine, but where I actually have some connections with the organization that runs the school (sorry to be elliptical on this), is part of what nudged me into being meditative and reflective. Part of their mission includes direct reference to Matthew 25, and the notion of whatsoever you do to these the least of the brethren. Here I note that Matthew 25 is in the Orthodox Church, of which I was a member for around a decade and half, read as the Gospel for the Sunday of the Last Judgment during Great Lent. In other words, it is a text very much intended to make one be reflective of one’s own actions and choices.
Of all the things I have read over now almost 7 decades since I taught myself to read at age 3 (both words and music — I was somewhat precocious as a child), one of things that most profoundly struck me were written in a spiritual memoir by an Orthodox Monk of Russian background who spent years on Mount Athos before moving to England where he founded a monastery that has been hugely influential in the English speaking Orthodox world. He wrote that during World War II, when he lived in a cave while serving as spiritual father to several Athonite monasteries, he heard only rumors of the War and how horrible it was. He wrote that he prayed that the less evil side might win. It is that prayer on which I wish to focus.
We are often in positions where we must deal with the messiness of the human condition. While this is true of politics and international relations to be sure, the problem is not limited to those spheres.It is my experience, and the sum of my observations of the world in which I live, that almost all of us are readily confronted with choices that may not be as clear cut on what is moral and what is not. By that I mean that we are often faced with a Hobson’s choice, that whatever path we take will inflict harm or hurt or damage to someone or something.
Let me apply this to myself. I am considering a job in Baltimore. It would according to Google Maps be a drive of at leasg 65 miles each way. In the time of global climate change, can I justify the amount of carbon I would put out commuting daily to such a job? Yes I drive a hybrid, and if I take my time and stay below the posted speed limit I can average better than 55 MPG. But that would still be better than 2 gallons per day. I can trade off against that, and the expense of time, by renting an inexpensive apartment near school, and not coming home every day (my wife and I do not overlap that much during the week). But our cat is now about 19 and needs care that I normally provide. And I do most of the household tasks to take the burden off my wife, who after all lives with a blood cancer that is manageable but not yet curable. If I am offered and take the job, which is the more moral path to take? Should I even consider the job given the choice I might have to make? But then, might I be bringing to those students something that would be of great value to them that would outweigh the possible harm or damage I might otherwise do? Which is the more moral choice? Which is the less evil path?
I recognize that most of us do not stop and reflect in this fashion. We tend to make choices that seem on the surface to be right and hope we can either live with the choices or fix things afterward. It might be why we stay in a job we hate — before ACA it might be the only way to be excluded from medical coverage because of pre-existing conditions, or we might feel we need the higher income to meet some other need that we view as more important.
Here I am NOT judging the choices others may make, or how they come to those choices.
In 12 days I turn 73. I hope to teach for four more years until my spouse is eligible for Social Security, and then we will decide what WE will do, with her having a major voice — after all, even though I am almost 11 years older, at this point I may outlive her, so her bucket list will take priority. To a point.
After all, had I stayed at my current school, we very well could have taken ten days next spring and gone to Italy, where neither of us have ever been, on a trip that would have been fantastic, and it would not have imposed a financial strain. Now, moving to an independent school, if I do, that becomes unlikely for a couple of years.
And yet, I have NO DOUBT that my decision to resign was correct. The details of the situation are something that at some point I will go through publicly, but for now I do not want to do anything that complicates things for that young teacher. Thus I have so far turned down the opportunity from a major media organization to go on the record about why I resigned, ALL of the reasons.
Nor have I communicated with either of the two (out of 9 total) members of the school boards who are my former students. For the same reason.
Could I do the system good by the shock such an expression might have? Probably, given that only 9 years ago I was given an award as the outstanding teacher in the system out of almost 9,000 teachers then. But against that I have to consider the harm it would do at least the one teacher. In the meantime, within the school, the other adults know why I have resigned, and perhaps for the immediate term that will have to suffice.
That brings me to politics. As I watch I see the beginnings of internecine warfare among some of the campaigns and their supporters. I see people on Twitter and Facebook and here laying down markers why this or that candidate should not be supported, in some cases with the implication that the person expressing those views might sit out the general should the person they criticize get the Democratic nomination.
For myself, I know that as of now I will not support IN THE PRIMARY any of at least three of the candidates, although I would happily support all in the general. I have not come close to making up my mind who I will support. Obviously positions on education and climate change and immigration and voter suppression are all important to me. This cycle Virginia is part of Super Tuesday, on March 3, right after the four early contests. I suspect at the end of that day we may well know who will be our nominee, and at worst we should be down to no more than three or four candidates. in 2008 we were later, in the so-called Potomac primary with MD and DC and i was clear after that that Obama was going to be the nominee. I will watch debates, and seehow candidates do with various campaign events and media appearances. If I do make up my mind, I will express it and why, but hopefully will be able to do so in a way that does not denigrate other candidates, UNLESS one or more candidates disqualify themselves by denigrating their competitors. Mind you, I don’t mind criticizing on issues and conduct, but that can be done in a non-desructive way.
Might I as a result change my mind about one or more of three whom as of now I would not support? Possibly, depending who falls out between now and then. I do not expect 20+ to make it to the Iowa caucuses. And if one candidate wins three or all 4 of the early conests, it might be time to rally around that candidate.
What in my mind would be immoral is to do anything in the primary contest that gives Donald Trump a better chance of getting reelected. That would be a very great evil.
What should be my role in this political season? I suppose that depends upon whether or not I am teaching. If I am teaching US Government (which is a real possibility for the job in Baltimore), do I not want to model for my students being actively involved, even as I do not advocate in class for my candidate or even my party? Do I not want to encourage them to be involved, even as 9th and 10th graders who cannot vote, because it is their future that is on the line?
I am getting old. I need more sleep. My energy level is significantly lower than even three years ago. I want to be reflective about what I do, which means I have to accept that I will do less, whether it is reading, writing, or political activity.
As a teacher I have always tried to model for my students what I hope for them. I like to think that is part of why so many have themselves become teachers, even though the job is difficult and the pay is far too often abysmal, especially considering alternative careers (especially for those in math and science).
So here’s a thought. Cannot we demand of our candidates at every level that they consider the morality of the choices they make, at least to consider what is the lesser evil?
Jim Baker, whom Trump forced out as General Counsel of the FBI because he was a fact witness in support of Comey, said on Rachel Maddow that one has to be prepared to lose one’s job to do the right thing.
Perhaps at my age, with no children, I have more flexibility in that regard than most. And after all, it is not the first time I have chosen to forego income in a choice I made — I have never as a teacher made as much in real dollars (not nominal pay) as I was making when I left a local government civil service data processing job (and that was significantly lower than I could have made in the private sector — at one point I turned down the possibility in the Federal office for Apple Computers). So the fact I might only make half of what I have made the past two years might be something that requires me to make life adjustments, but given what my staying would have represented I feel no doubt I am make the moral choice, following the less evil path, even if my carbon consumption may go up.
How do we determine our sense of right and wrong? How do we ascertain and measure the relative evils of difficult choices? To that I have no hard and fast answers. For those in religious traditions they may find some guidance, but also discover that it is not always as cut and dried.
Before I officially joined the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), my wife pointed out to me that the statement of George Fox that we should walk gladly across the earth ANSWERING (emphasis added) that of God in each person we encountered had been my mantra, my touchstone, as long as she had known me, while I had wandered through the Episcopal and Orthodox Churches and two branches (Orthodox and Conservative) of Judaism before becoming a Quaker. I also note that during my time as an Orthodox Christian I came to realize that the most immediate icon of God was the individual human being before me, even if that person was the very flawed one I saw in the mirror as I shaved.
Perhaps that points at the theme of this meditation, insofar as it has one. It seems to me that if in anger or hurt we lose site of the humanity of the other we are contributing to the more evil path. No matter how angry we are, surely we can rest on that. We can have righteous anger. We can call out immorality and evil as we see it, although we should be humble enough to recognize both that we may be erroneous in our perceptions or not realize what we see was the less evil path for the person before us.
During my lifetime I have seen positive growth and now retrenchment — think of issues of race, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, religion.
I think that the less evil path requires that we confront quietly but firmly the retrenchment, before we have more Charlottesvilles.
We have a right to demand of those who would purport to lead us that sometimes there are not good people on both sides, that in describing SOME of her opponents supporters Hillary Clinton was correct in calling them “deplorables” at least with this qualification — their words and actions were deplorable, but that did not necessarily make them irredeemable, unless they chose to so be.
Morality.
Lesser evil.
Choices.
A meditation, perhaps still too unfocused or rambling to be of use to anyone except me?
But then again, who knows? I surely don’t.
Peace