From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Helping A Child In Need
I was devastated to hear that the clothing line Ivanka Trump’s Spontaneous Combustion just took a hit. It appears her duds—and no one could have seen this coming, given the Trump family’s fierce dedication to safety and quality—can suddenly burst into flames, which, I'm told, is an undesirable quality to have in a fashion line. Naturally, this setback is going to burn a hole through her meager finances. Since the Consumer Product Safety Commission's tyranny has obviously taken an emotional-like toll on her (not to mention Jared’s tissue-thin fee-fees), C&J encourages you to help out in her hour of need by diverting the money you were planning to spend on her blazing scarves to the purchase of a few barrels of this…
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CAUTION: This product is flammable, poisonous, and only attracts soulless morons.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 23, 2019
Note: Good news: we survived our endoscopy/colonoscopy yesterday. Bad news: the prep was annoying, especially having to replace my favorite foods like Elmer's Paste and charbroiled lobster spleens with 20 tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia. Good news: no trace of a return of the cancer that’s dogged me for the last two-and-half-years. Bad news: During the procedure they destroyed the apartment of the gerbil living in my colon. Good news: Renter’s insurance will cover 80 percent of the damage to Gary’s pad. Bad News: Sadly, the Monet is a total loss. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Dog Day: 3
Days 'til the 81st New Mexico State Fair: 13
Number of twitter accounts removed or suspended because they were Chinese-government-backed accounts designed to sow discord among the Hong Kong protesters: 200,936
Number of House Democrats who support a Trump impeachment inquiry: 127 128 129 130
Number who do not (yet): 105
Number of fires in Brazil's rainforest so far this year, up 84% from a year ago: 72,843
Estimated number of additional Mainers getting treatment for opioid addiction, thanks to our state's Medicaid expansion under our new Democratic governor: 3,500
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Your Thursday Friday Molly Ivins Moment (since we weren't here yesterday to give you your Molly fix):
The only people I see in public office trying to address what's wrong with this economy are Labor Secretary Robert Reich and Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy.
Reich has been valiantly struggling to get raising the minimum wage on his boss' agenda and coming up with one improvement and suggestion after another on worker training.
Kennedy came out with a multi-pronged plan earlier this month to attack what he calls "the quiet Depression," which contains a lot of carrots as well as sticks to get corporations to Do the Right Thing. (Someday even conservatives are going to notice that Ted Kennedy is the most effective senator in Washington: He has a wonderful habit of getting Republicans like Nancy Kassebaum and Orrin Hatch to cosponsor good legislation.) Kennedy's plan covers the Federal Reserve Board, proposes a two-tier corporate tax plan to favor those that treat workers well, closes lots of stinky corporate tax loopholes, puts brakes on mergers and acquisitions, helps small business, helps labor, helps secure pension plans, and more.
—February, 1996
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Airwolf reboot…
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CHEERS to the spoiler alert to end all spoiler alerts. Vader is Luke's father? Boring. The walrus was Paul? So yesterday. The Cuesta Verde developers moved the headstones but they didn’t move the bodies? Whatevs. The real ending we all want to know is who wins the damn 2020 presidential election??? Rachel Bitecofer is assistant professor of the Judy Ford Wason Center for Public Policy, and her prediction of the 2018 midterms was so spot-on that she's having a go at next year's contest. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS:
I am offering a forecast free from all the trappings you are used to. There are no poll aggregators, no daily or weekly updates, no simple versus deluxe versions.Right now, there is not even a nominee!
Barring a shock to the system, Democrats recapture the presidency [278 electoral votes to 197].
The leaking of the Trump campaign’s internal polling has somewhat softened the blow of this forecast, as that polling reaffirms what my model already knew: Trump’s 2016 path to the White House, which was the political equivalent of getting dealt a Royal Flush in poker, is probably not replicable in 2020 with an agitated Democratic electorate. And that is really bad news for Donald Trump because the Blue Wall of the Midwest was then, and is now, the ONLY viable path for Trump to win the White House.
Memo to Democratic candidates: Wisconsin is thataway.
JEERS to today's edition of Ooh, That's Not Aging Well. A week after the massacres in Dayton and El Paso, (thankfully-)former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie showed up on ABC's This Week to inform the nation that this time—believe me, trust me, I know these things—President Trump was totally on board with a new policy of universal background checks on gun purchases:
"Against the wishes of the NRA, a Republican president has called for universal background checks and a red-flag law. Now that's leadership."
And in other news: after NRA head Wayne LaPierre almost-imperceptibly cocked one eyebrow in disapproval over the phone, the Republican president has called off his call for universal background checks and a red-flag law. But universal thoughts and prayers? Done!
CHEERS to ticking off that dude in curlers. On this date in 1775, King George III got all pissy and accused the colonies of being in "an open and avowed rebellion" and asked "our obedient and loyal subjects to use their utmost endeavours to withstand and suppress such rebellion, and to disclose and make known all treasons and traitorous conspiracies which they shall know to be against us." And we were all, like, "Huh? Are you referring to little old us? Why, we’re just grubby ol’ farmers and fussy old shopkeepers—we wouldn’t hurt a fly!" Then we declared independence and kicked his ass. Psych!
JEERS to imperial takesie backsies. On tomorrow's date in 1814, King George III got all pissy again and ordered British forces to attack Washington, DC during the War of...um...1812. The president and members of Congress fled while First Lady Dolley Madison, armed with nothing but a butcher knife and her patriotism, rescued artwork and leftover mutton before the redcoats torched the White House. The 8/24 Commission Report later said President Madison should have heeded the PDB titled: "King George III Determined to Strike In US." Curse you, 20-20 hindsight.
JEERS to an un-indicted co-conspirator in the attempted assassination of a nation. To the heartbreak of no one but the deplorables, David Koch finally kicked the bucket at 79, but not before doing more than a lifetime’s worth of dirty work on behalf of both the haters and polluters. He (and his equally-notorious brother Charles) breathed the rarefied air of the multi-multi-billionaire ($50 billion at last count) while their mega-corporations polluted the planet and mega-violated environmental laws with willfully-reckless abandon. Equally bad, he embraced the far-right John Birch Society manifesto, and used his wealth to finance a real "deep state" of shadow groups to create a one-party (guess which one?) nation. His madness reached its peak in 2009 when, as Democrats used every ounce of their political capital to keep America from falling into another Great Depression, he and his brother decided to launch a pro-confederate civil war by astro-turfing the tea party into existence, giving rise to the alternate-universe outrage that led to the rise of Trump and the neo-Nazi movement.
That's why I have no doubt his trip to the afterlife will involve taking the un-air-conditioned 'Down' elevator, where he'll forever writhe in agony with the likes of Jerry Falwell, Jesse Helms, and, soon we hope, Rupert Murdoch. But, darn it, I have this dumb rule about saying something nice about the recently departed. So here goes: one of his companies, Georgia Pacific, produces Dixie Cups, and they have funny riddles on them like “Where do cows go on Saturday Night? To the mooo-vies!” Ha ha. Have a terrible trip, buddy! And save a rack for your brother!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV fare for the weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow's recap of the Friday news dump that landed in our collective lap today.
At 9 on ABC, What Would You Do? captures on video what ordinary people do when a mother (an actress) insists that a trans woman (also an actress) use the men's restroom, and a wrestling coach (an actor) orders a black athlete (also an actor) to cut off his braids. Bill Maher has a new edition of Real Time (HBO) at 10 with guests Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA), former Sen. Heidi Heitkamp (D-ND), Michael Smerconish, New York University professor Eric Klinenberg, and columnist Kevin Williamson. There's nothing I'd recommend on the new home video release list, but you can check 'em out here. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will “defrock” the Padres Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha you know it’s true!!!) And Sunday evening 60 Minutes presents encores of its segments on the cybercrime known as "ransomware," and a look at the origins of the opioid epidemic. (Hint: it’s assholes.) And since there's no episode of Last Week Tonight on HBO Sunday night at 11, we expect you to be in your jammies and in bed by 8, with visions of David Koch writhing in Hell dancing in your head shortly thereafter.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBD
This Week: TBD
CNN's State of the Union: Senator and 2020 candidate Bernie Sanders (I-VT). Also: Fox News economic-fuck-up-turned-Trump-economic-toadie Larry Kudlow; and Cindy McCain ignores her late husband’s radical right-wing behavior in the Senate as she blasts the radical right-wing behavior of Republicans who are ignoring his radical right-wing behavior by labeling him a radical lefty. (Or something.)
Face the Nation: Senator and 2020 candidate Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Pawpatch County); Joshua Bolten, president of something called the “Business Roundtable.” New campaign 2020 polling gets released.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Amy Klobuchar; “Foreclosure King” and Treasury Secretary still trying to figure out how to rob Fort Knox without anyone noticing Steve Mnuchin.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 23, 2009
CHEERS to promising moments in medicine. This is interesting—scientists say that the evil cannabis may be beneficial for prostate health because it apparently makes cancer cells forget what the hell they were doing and just kind of wander off. So far the research has only been performed in Petri dishes and on mice, so now comes phase two: recruiting human volunteers. Researchers believe the most effective delivery method is to blow smoke directly up the ass. Naturally, Republicans are lined up around the block.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the "Lion of the Senate." As time goes on, fewer and fewer of us 'Muricans will remember that Ted Kennedy owned that title for much of his 47-year career there. So I'll keep bringing it up, especially on his birthday and also on Sunday's date—the ten-year anniversary of his passing from brain cancer at 77. Said President Obama at Ted's funeral:
"The world will long remember their son Edward as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had none; the soul of the Democratic Party; and the lion of the United States Senate—a man who graces nearly 1,000 laws, and who penned more than 300 laws himself."
To mark the occasion, a couple snips of vintage Ted:
On the Iraq war: "There was no imminent threat. This was made up in Texas, announced in January to the Republican leadership that war was going to take place and was going to be good politically. This whole thing was a fraud."
On health care reform: "This is the cause of my life—new hope that we will break the old gridlock and guarantee that every American—North, South, East, West, young, old—will have decent, quality health care as a fundamental right and not a privilege."
And one of my favorite pics, from 2009 when Ted was one of Barack Obama’s biggest supporters. The grizzled veteran passing on wisdom to the newbie…
Obamacare is now in full effect, and I imagine that card-carrying 5-digit UID Kossack Ted would be pleased over the numbers, but also impatient to improve it and furious at Trump and his Republican deathtroopers for trying to gut it with such heartless ferocity. For the first 45 years of my life Ted Kennedy was always in Washington, "voice bellowing through the Senate chamber, face reddened, fist pounding the podium, a veritable force of nature" (Obama's words again). He was both a battering ram and a master of jiu jitsu. (Watch him tear into Donald Rumsfeld here.) And also a guy you'd never turn down having a beer with. Even though I'm not from Massachusetts, he still felt like "my" senator. His "vim ahnd vigah" are sorely missed. Cheers, Ted. And say hi to your brothers—they were pretty good, too.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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