Thank you all for your kindness and encouragement and support as I work to get to zero in my substance abuse rehabilitation program. I could not have made the progress we as a team together have made ! I am completely isolated in my apartment. Because I was in an abusive relationship for a long time, my communication with family and friends was cut to zero. Outside of Daily Kos online, I am completely alone. l don’t have anybody I see in person. My medication makes me extremely nauseous and vomit every single day. It gives me insomnia. I have only slept three straight hours continuously six times in over two years. I am normally a public school teacher and I tried to return to teaching, but I was too sick too often to and realized that I could not continue. This has made me unable to work. I reduce two milligrams every two weeks. I started at 32 milligrams and am now at 12 milligrams. I am determined to get to zero so that I can get a normal life back, away from my abusive ex and off of the medication my substance abuse rehabilitation doctor gives me and be able to work.
Due to my lack of sleep and extreme nausea and vomiting, I often feel like I am going crazy. I get very depressed (I have an extensive history of suicide attempts starting from when I was a child). My memory is shot. My mood is often not good because of the medication and the vomiting and the insomnia. I try not to be unpleasant. Unfortunately, I have failed completely at that. I am truly sorry and I apologize to all of those whom I have offended by my rude remarks and lack of patience.
Without the support of the community here, I would not have been able to make the progress I have. I am so grateful to everybody who has tolerated me and encouraged me and help me as I try to get through this. I am very, very sick every day. It doesn’t make it right when I am not as nice as I should be. Thank you so very much for your kindness and your encouragement. Without the kindness of this community, I would not be able to do this. I have no roommates, no friends or family that I see. I am completely alone and isolated while being very sick. In two weeks, I will be 2/3 of the way down to zero milligrams. In two weeks, I will be at 10 milligrams and again I started at 32 milligrams. I will have reduced more than 67% of the way to zero.
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Here is the back story on how this happened.
I am responsible for my bad decisions which were wrong. After my divorce, I was emotionally devastated. I was not picky and was desperate to be with somebody. I settled and we were so different , I am much, much younger and I am way, way more educated, and there were many other differences. I had been in a car accident in which I went up in the car in the air 17 or 18 feet and hit a pole, the car flipped twice and landed upside down on a stone gate. I was knocked unconscious. When I came to, I crawled out of the upside down car and stumbled around and I must have passed out since the next thing I remember is being at a hospital. As a result, I get frequent severe migraines and have severe back problems should in my mri. She not only had her own prescription for hydrocodone, but she bought entire bottles of it from her 3 sisters who had their own scripts, she bought an entire bottle from her amputee brother in law, she bought it from her nurse friend and from others. When she offered it to me, I should have said no. That is my own fault. I am responsible for that bad decision. Nobody put a gun to my head. I made an ethically wrong and morally wrong decision. I became addicted.
Once I was addicted, she took full advantage of that. My public school teacher paycheck went straight into her bank account to which I had no access. My teacher retirement went to her. My tutoring money (3 degrees including a master’s degree in mathematics and significant doctoral work) went to her hands. I did all the chores. Her first daughter was taken from her. Her second daughter attempted suicide due to how she was treated by her mother and was also taken from her. Before her second daughter was taken from her, I cleaned her room daily which was filled two to three feet high with dirty clothes and trash. I did the dishes. I took out the trash. I did the laundry. I swept. I mopped. I did everything. At the end, she was not working at all. She constantly and I mean constantly told me, “I hate you ! I hope you kill yourself ! “ . I developed an ulcer from being around her ; I threw up so much blood, it was incredible. I was extremely light headed and so very sick.
I finally realized that I had no choice, but to start substance abuse rehabilitation. I went entirely on my own accord. Nobody told me I had a problem because I was not in touch with anybody; however, I knew that I had a problem. I first went to an in patient facility, Laurel Ridge. However that program was only eight days and I had had this problem for a long time. So, I sought another facility to continue my rehabilitation. I was without the medication that helped limit the consequences of withdrawal. It took a little over 2 weeks to find a clinic. It was so very hard, but I stayed clean the entire time. I went to a new clinic which was outpatient. Then, they put me on 32 milligrams of buprenorphine. Then, I discovered all of the side effects. I have severe acid reflux and developed an ulcer as I related earlier. Therefore, whatever makes a person a little nauseous makes me extremely nauseous and vomit because my stomach lining is destroyed. I could not sleep more than three straight hours at most. I almost always sleep only one continuous hour.
My amazing and super loyal and trusty companion and sidekick, Mighty Little Fluffy the Great, has kept me from ending my life as often as I think about it. We are always around each other. I have the privilege of petting her and brushing her and interacting with her all the time. She is the most amazing, cutest little creature ever ! I feel like I can’t begin to say how much I love her ! I know that she is far greater than I am. That’s obvious ! She is so sweet and so smart and has such a great disposition and she is absolutely gorgeous. She is the greatest ! I was living a life of quarantine far before the novel coronavirus made its appearance in our lives. I have been living a life of quarantine for two years, completely isolated with just Mighty Little Fluffy the Great and my Kossack friends whom I have not met in person. I rarely leave my room although I am trying to improve that. I leave my apartment only to go to my substance abuse doctor and to throw out my trash. Otherwise, I never, ever go outside. I only rent one room in my 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom apartment and none of the other rooms are rented as my previous roommates both moved out. My car doesn’t work. I am completely isolated.
I want to thank everybody here for their kind words and their support while I work to get to zero and hopefully get my life back. Thank you so, so, so, so, so much for your kind words and encouragement. I would not be able to make it through my substance abuse rehabilitation without this community ! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here she is beside one of my favorite books which I read and reread, Death on the Nile. I am currently rereading The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump edited by Dr. Bandy Lee. I already read it cover to cover, but I felt compelled to reread certain sections of it. I learned that Donald is an extreme present hedonist in addition to being a narcissist.
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Isn’t she so cute !!!!!! She is so sweet ! Whenever she wants something, then she speaks right up !
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Here is another picture of Mighty Little Fluffy the Great ! So, so very cute !
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Thank you so very much !!!!!!!! Today is National Cat Day or Day of the Cat and Mighty Little Fluffy the Great is the greatest of them all ! In fact, she loves the fact that her dominion has been greatly expanded .