Daily Kos and the people here, especially those kind enough to consider me a friend and an ally, is essential to my life. After my divorce, I was emotionally devastated. I had left fundamentalist Christianity and had become a Democrat and then a progressive Democrat after earning my second bachelor’s degree and then starting my master’s degree in mathematics, earning it with honors and then working on my doctorate. I was fortunate to win the academic excellence award from the Department of Mathematics at my university as a doctoral student. At the time of my heartbreaking (for me at least) divorcing, all of my friends were fundamentalist Christians. They all abandoned me. I was friendless and broken. By the time that the divorce was finalized, I was working on my doctorate. I was desperate for companionship. I was not as selective and wise as I should have been.
I met somebody who seemed to be nice at the time. My only requirement was that the person be a Democrat. That was it. However, due to a severe car accident in which I went up in the air 17-18 feet, hit a pole, and the car flipped a couple of times, and landed upside down with me in unconscious on a stone gate. Then I came to and I remember stumbling around after crawling out of the car . Then I must have passed out again. The next thing I knew I was in a hospital. Due to that, I have severe neck and back pain. It doesn’t excuse accepting the medication. That was an act of my volition. It was morally and ethically wrong and a mistake. I made that mistake. The person I was seeing was a walking pharmacy. She had her own prescription for vicodin and bought vicodin from three of her sisters and from a nurse friend and her amputee brother in law and from others. I had never seen so much vicodin / hydrocodone in my entire life. She offered it to me. I should have said no. I did not. I became addicted.
Once I was addicted, I was in trouble. My teacher retirement money went all to her. My teacher paycheck went into her bank account to which I had no access. My tutoring money went to her hands. If I said no, then I would have been incredibly sick. Her first daughter was taken away from her. Her second daughter had severe issues with depression, mainly due to her mother. I cleaned her room which was filled several feet high with trash and laundry daily. I did the dishes. I took out the trash. I did the laundry. I swept and mopped and vacuumed. I did everything. She shouted, “I hate you ! I hope you kill yourself ! “ all the time whenever I was around her. Her second daughter attempted suicide and ended up in a hospital and was taken away from her for a short time.
I realized that I was in deep trouble. I left her and enrolled myself alone and completely of my own accord in Laurel Ridge . This was the end of July of 2018. That in patient treatment center only lasted eight days. I knew I needed more help. I looked for an out patient treatment center. It took me about two and a half weeks to find a new out patient clinic. I stayed clean the entire time. That was incredibly difficult. This clinic is called New Seasons. I missed two days in two years. I stayed clean the entire time. They use a medication assisted treatment approach. I was afraid of methadone. I rarely took anything else other than vicodin/hydrocodone and marijuana. So, street drugs scared me. I chose buprenorphine. I had been taking a lot of hydrocodone for a long time. I was put at 32 milligrams and this became my stable dosage. They keep you on that dosage for a year so that you get used to a life of not getting high.
I had a great counselor. However, he was unintentionally forgetful. I began to try to start my reduction process shortly after a year of my stable dosage. However, one must get approval from the doctor. So, I would ask him to set up an appointment with the doctor to discuss it. He unintentionally kept forgetting to set up the appointment. Because my tests were always clean and I almost never missed going to the clinic, I earned take homes. So, I got to take my medication with me instead of having to go there every day. Thus, I was showing up for an appointment with the doctor and that would be my only reason for going to the clinic that day since I had my takehomes already. The medication was about $540 / month. That happened about a half dozen times.
The medication had severe effects upon me. I already had severe acid reflux. During the abusive relationship, I must have developed an ulcer because I must have throw up several quarts of blood and was extremely light headed. Thus, what caused minor nausea in others caused me to vomit or have extreme nausea daily. It also gave me severe insomnia. I normally sleep an hour at a time. I have slept three straight hours continuously or more six times in two years. I tried to teach, but the side effects from the medication made me retire. I had been at a long term stay hotel. I had little money and no rental history then. I did start my reduction. However, they required me to go there every week if I was going to reduce in order to make sure that my reduced dose was okay. This was going to be a constant requirement. My car stopped working reliably. I had to take uber or lyft to get to the clinic every day. It was too expensive especially with the cost of the clinic and the cost of the long term stay hotel.
So, early this year I moved to a city an hour north of where I lived. I had to do that to cut my rent which it did dramatically. My car became even less reliable. Getting a ride to the clinic and back cost me $120 . The driver had to drive an hour to pick me up, drive me an hour south to the clinic, drive me an hour back to my apartment and then drive an hour back to get back to their city. I was determined to reduce. I could not afford to pay $120 a week every week just to get to the clinic and then $540 a month for the medication. I finally found a regular physician who could prescribe my medication and would only make go there once a month and it was much closer.
The first visit was $500. After that, it was only $250. However, I had to pick up the medication from a pharmacy. I was concerned about how much that might cost. At this time, I had already reduced to 24 milligrams a day. That was 3 pills of 8 milligrams each, every day. Reducing to 22 milligrams would mean more pills. It would 2 pills of 8 milligrams each but also 3 pills of 2 milligrams each. Thus, for a 30 day period, I would be going from 90 pills to 150 pills. Despite the reduction in total milligrams, I knew that this might mean an increase in the cost. I tried to find out how much the medication was. I did not have medical insurance. I could not get a number after an hour debate with them. Finally, I got a number without a prescription discount card. However, then they did not want to tell me how much it would be with the prescription discount card. After all, the quote was $700 for the medication without the discount card which was untenable. Finally, I got a quote of $60 bucks or something like that. So, I go forward at the new clinic and get my first prescription and get it filled at that pharmacy using that discount card. It was at least 50% more than I was quoted, but fine at least it was not $700. Then, I told the pharmacy technician that I was reducing on this medication and that it was urgent that I do so and I needed to verify that even though there would be more pills (going from 90 to 150) that the cost would not go up significantly. Besides, the milligrams per day was decreasing. She confirmed that to me unequivocally. She said it might not go down, but it would not go up. So, the next time I went to the clinic, I told them to start the reduction (my previous reduction had been at the old clinic ie from 32 milligrams to 24 milligrams). I went to the pharmacy and the cost was $225 .I was apoplectic , but at that point I had no choice. This was the entire reason I asked the question last time.
I have continued my reduction since then. Other than when I was teaching (until I just could not continue ), I have lived a life of quarantine for the last two plus years because of how sick the medication makes me. My doctor and I have me reducing at 2 milligrams every 2 weeks. I am at 16 milligrams. I am 16 weeks or four months away from getting my life back. I have one roommate whom I almost never see. I see nobody else. I sleep an hour and then wake up and then sleep an hour and so on. My isolation has led to deepening my depression. I first started attempting suicide when I was 13 years of age. I first started self harm at that time as well. I had a “complex” childhood (ie a very bad one) which I won’t detail here. I started hitting myself as hard as I could in the face and it looked like I was constantly in fights. I began slitting my wrists or cutting my body deeply around that time. The last time that I actually attempted suicide was around a couple of months ago.
Because of my situation, Daily Kos has been invaluable to me. You share my worldview and views on virtually everything. You all mean the world to me. Your support has kept me going. My life is the “Came for the politics, stayed for the community” motto. I came here long before this user name “Dem” . I lost my user name and I could not at that time retrieve my old user. So, I started all over. Thank you for your kindness and your friendship !!! Obviously, I have a very low opinion of myself to say the least. What I think of myself could not be posted. I appreciate the kind words that many here have given me.
I am the the human of Mighty Little Fluffy the Great ! In my view, she is the greatest little creature of all time. I love her more than life itself. She is so smart ! She knows where her wet canned cat food is kept and knows how to ask for it. She uses her stairs and litter box every day. She knows her name ! She is very alert. I once got her a toy that had a string to make a little mouse move. Within ten seconds, she had grabbed the string with her teeth and pulled it and made the mouse move ! It was amazing ! She is so, so sweet ! She is cute beyond compare with beautiful markings. Everybody who saw her at the hotel (the hotel people) knew that it was a great privilege to pet Mighty Little Fluffy the Great ! We are the best of friends and companions !
Sunday, Oct 4, 2020 · 1:56:47 PM +00:00 · Dem
I did not write this to ask for help. I wrote this diary to express how much Daily Kos means to me, how much I value the community, and how much I appreciate the kindness of this community. That’s why I wrote the diary. Period. Thank you for your kind words. They mean the world to me !
Sunday, Oct 4, 2020 · 2:32:11 PM +00:00 · Dem
I am pretty certain that Mighty Little Fluffy the Great remembers her mom when she was a kitten when she is with me. She curls up under me and looks up at me while I hold her and surround her. She walks up to make that happen. She cries if I am not right beside her. She is the greatest pal I could ever have !