The unemployment line got longer today.
I lost my job today. I had been working from home (corporate desk job), and had been quite busy, but this virus is wreaking havoc in every way imaginable. They did it quickly across the company, in large volume, and without real coordination or thought about it — seemed like it was just names drawn from a hat. I suspect they had some kind of deadline, and so they panicked, and it was...well, it was mayhem.
I know people are dying...healthcare workers are overtaxed and don’t have what they need...they are burdened and at their wits end. They are heroes. Others before me have lost their livelihoods and are struggling. My job isn’t the highest national priority right now, but still...it hurts. A lot. So much that there are no words I can write here to accurately encompass the total feeling of despair. And it doesn’t help that social distancing has me, along with the world it seems, isolated.
I know though, that I’m not alone in feeling that. I’m certainly not the first to lose my job, nor will I be the last. And there are those that can’t work from home and put their lives on the line everyday exposing themselves to go to work at grocery stores, banks, warehouses, etc. There are so many, and it’s going to get worse.
I’ve never been more afraid. At the end of this month, I will have no health insurance. The state I’m in makes you wait weeks before unemployment kicks in, and even with the federal boost when it does kick in, it wouldn’t even cover the mortgage & property taxes. And there are so many other bills. Companies are in hiring freezes. My 401K, such as it was, has lost so much. And to top the day off, after doing all the numbers for my taxes, I will owe a considerable sum. Even though I can probably defer that, it’ll be added to the mountain I’ll owe at some point. Oh, and I’m out of milk! Definitely my lucky day! </sarcasm>
The virus is still on a rampage, so it’s tenuous as to when any of this might let up. I didn’t qualify for the direct assistance at the time, and while I know there are programs that might help some and I will certainly take advantage, it feels really bleak right now. Even if I make it through what I anticipate to be an extended time without income, my financial situation will be significantly weakened, if not destroyed. The question will be to what degree.
So I’m left this evening contemplating everything I’ve worked for for so long, and that it is all in jeopardy. I walk around my house and wonder if I’ll still be living here in a year, and what it would mean if I weren’t. I’m doing my best to keep it in perspective, after all I still have my health. And I’m alive...I think. ;) But I’m giving myself tonight to feel the weight of it, and to grieve if only for a moment. And when that’s done I’ll get to work trying to find employment and helping others where I can, even while in isolation. I’ll keep telling myself that it will all work out, and that this, too shall pass. But most of all I’ll be grateful that my family is safe for now, knowing that there are so many that can’t say that tonight. My tears tonight are really for them, and for everyone who is suffering.