Wow, not the best week, huh? Well, I hate to disrupt the traditional Democratic post-electoral-defeat hand-wringing and self-flagellation, but life goes on and so does the fight. Besides, if you keep crying into your beer, you’ll ruin it, and if there’s one thing I simply will not abide, it’s wasting beer. So let’s do what we always do here. Let’s look this fucked-up world square in the eye, warts, shitstains and all, and fucking deal with it.
(This one originated where all the others did: my humble blog site: showercapblog.com/...)
I see the University of Florida took a sad, fashy stab at claiming their professors, as a condition of employment, somehow forfeited their First Amendment right to oppose the authoritarian policies of the Mad Emperor Ron-Ron, but ultimately backed down following massive backlash from those who aren’t willing to meekly cede their rights to this shitty new coalition of the tyrannically subpar. Good. More of that, please.
Josh Hawley, aka What Happens When Lurch Fucks a Carton of Condensed Milk, became the latest squealing conservative hatemarmot to lament the fallen state of American masculinity, in defiance of the mewling mediocrity he finds leering in every mirror. To hear Joshward tell it, dastardly liberalism steers men away from conventionally manly activities, like inciting white nationalist violence, and towards video games and pornography.
Personally, I think treating yourself to a good, sturdy fap from time to time is healthier than, say, breaching the U.S. Capitol and assaulting law enforcement, and a helluva lot less likely to land you in prison. So long as you don’t do it at, like, Macy’s or anything.
Of course, Hawley remains entirely unperturbed by what CNN’s Jim Acosta accurately labels the “Proud Boy porn” of Tucker Carlson’s terrifying new “documentary,” which differs from open, unapologetic, Nazi propaganda in fewer ways than any decent person would like. Mom was right, TV really will rot your brain.
Former Vice Führer Mike Pants claims it wuz James Madison himself that talked him out of participating in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Asshat Autogolpe, and a hundred million eyes rolled in unison. Look here, you hairshirt-wearing theocrat fuck: I’m not saying Jimmy Mads wouldn’t make the arduous journey back from the afterlife to pay you a visit; I’m just saying that if he did, it’d be to put an ectoplasmic boot so far up your treacherous ass you’d be calling the Ghostbusters for dental work.
Speaking of incursions from the underworld, John F. Kennedy Jr. finally returned, bearing a secret recipe for fudge which somehow causes weight loss, as well as three full new seasons of Firefly. Either that or hundreds of the dumbest motherfuckers walking god’s green earth waddled down to Dallas for yet another heapin’ helpin’ of culty disappointment,I confess I only glanced at the headlines; I’ve poured enough cray-cray into my brain for one lifetime, thank you.
Newsmax “reporter” Emerald Robinson, who regularly platforms the looniest imaginable disinformation from the very White House briefing room, (when she isn’t busy pining for white evangelical supremacy on social media, that is) actually seems to have crossed some sort of line in the chest-high mound of bat guano back at the office, and she’s been pulled from public proganda-spewing duties. Anyway, congratulations, comrades, looks like we’re getting away with our plot to inject satanic, glow-in-the-dark markers into Real Muricans after all.
Mr. DeMille, I fear the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial was not quite prepared for his close-up. Unless it’s customary for our august magistrates to interrupt proceedings with self-pitying meltdowns over their media coverage? Can’t speak to that, personally, as my attempts to draw Jake Tapper’s attention to the grand injustice of my parking ticket bill have yet to bear fruit.
To my surprise n’ delight, the left actually appears to have figured out how to respond to that puerile “let’s go Brandon” crap. Pro tip: there is nothing in the world these twerps relish more than “triggering” you, because they’ve built their entire value system around opposing every single thing you say and believe, to the degree that they are literally engaging in suicidal health behaviors out of pure spite, so there’s nothing more devastatingly deflating to them than refusing to be trolled. Do with that what you will.
I see Tulsi Gabbard is back in the news, which is odd; I was quite certain I’d flushed. Anyhoo, the ol’ “spouting wingnut talking points while pretending to be a Democrat” gig looks to be as lucrative as ever…unless Glenn Greenwald gets stabby over the incursion into his turf, of course.
Anyway, I think we can all agree the Real Victim Here™️ is Aaron Rodgers, who just wants to spread Covid and chug horse dewormer in peace without the “woke mob” calling him a fucking idiot JUST BECAUSE he’s a fucking idiot. I did my own research too, Mr. Football Guy, and I discovered your brain doesn’t work.
Sooooooo yeah. Election night. Not awesome. While the news was by no means all bad, we did lose the big one, Virginia, and New Jersey was, like Donald Trump in a dressing room full of underage beauty pageant contestants, too close for comfort. The trouble, as everyone from the mightiest pundit to the Kid on Facebook Who Sat Behind You in Sophomore English and Didn’t Really Get Madame Bovary will tell you, is that Democrats did too much of the Stuff I Don’t Like and not nearly enough Stuff I Personally Want, which is as convenient as it is impossible to prove.
Now, as much as I love the circular firing squad portion of the postmortem period, it would be truly stellar if everybody could work through that shit as quickly as possible, because many of the new Republican officeholders are predictably insane, including at least 10 attendees of the January 6th rally-turned-riot, and a New Jersey trucker with a Twitter feedworthy of Stephen Miller’s bedside diary.
And yeah, that sucks. It sucks a whole fuckin’ bunch. But now, we can either wallow around in the suckage, or get to work making these skeevy weirdos one-term wonders.
As a general rule, I do not like to shit on Democrats in this blog, but electoral setbacks always bring out the doomsayers and the whiners, and my personal favorite, the hostage-takers, who threaten to take their ball, their vote, and their activism, and go home, because the political party tasked with representing 80 million unique Americans failed to swiftly deliver their own personal policy preferences, all gift-wrapped and pine-scented.
To those folks, I can only offer my heartiest “get the fuck over yourself.” I’m sorry you thought creating change was as simple as winning one election; it is not. I confess I’m unsure how you arrived at “giving up” as a viable solution, but that’s another one you got wrong, champ.
So what the fuck do we do now?
I mean, while I wouldn’t generally recommend looking to a drunken shithead in a bathrobe and luchador mask for advice on matters this weighty, it just so happens I do have the answer here:
Work harder.
Y’know how “work harder” is usually the answer? Well, it’s the answer again, SURPRISE! I don’t know if anybody needs to get that tattooed on the inside of their eyelids or anything, but yeah…work harder.
The midterms are right around the corner, and yes, that fight’s lookin’ like an uphill climb during a blinding hailstorm with a few rabid badgers thrown in for good measure. Dunno what to tell ya; the fight’s like that sometimes. Wish it wasn’t, but it sure fuckin’ is.
Shit’s not nearly as hopelessly bleak as it seemed Tuesday night, by the way. Covid vaccines were finally approved for kids aged 5-11, which’ll take a big ol’ chunk out of the Rogan/Rodgers crew’s ability to fuck up more rational folks’ lives, and didj get a look at that jobs report? Hot DAMN! And there’s trillions more in help on the way, folks…don’t you dare give up now; things’re just gettin’ good!
In conclusion, I’ve sifted through all the data, and it’s clear the swings in Jersey and Virginia occurred primarily because not enough people have signed up on the Kickstarter prelaunch page for my next comic book.
Seriously, I’m awfully proud of the work the team put in on this one, and the book is super fun. Help us bring this one to life, and we’ll deliver some much-needed smiles for the long slog to Election Day 2022. (Plus, don’t forget about the special rewards tiers for blog fans! Read about ‘em here!) We go live this coming Tuesday, November 9th, and as always, I’d be honored and thankful to have your support.
Either way, stay safe out there, Resisters, and under no circumstances allow the bastards to grind you down.
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