Yoo-hoo, ladies! You’ve hit the manly man trifecta: conservative, biblically correct dudes who want to marry you as soon as effing possible! How can you refuse?
A new “traditional” dating website, Dominion Dating, plans to launch on Aug. 1 with “1,000+ bold, biblical singles ... ready to build families, shape culture & take dominion.”
Uh, not to be a killjoy, but they may want to up that number, unless this is really just a way to start a Christian apocalypse cult at a remote Wyoming compound or something. That’s a pretty shallow dating pool, and considering how eager for marriage the site’s target audience appears to be, that number could get whittled down to nada in no time.
While the site won’t launch for another three months, you gals need to be ready. Imagine consolidating all the harassment you get from incels and other anti-feminists in one convenient location! But if you think you’re anything more than a warm, fecund womb that lamentably sprouted a brain and four limbs at some point during your dissolute, wayward lives, you may want to move along. This isn’t the spot for you.
Of course, if this rather incomplete description has actually piqued your interest for some reason, you may want to tap the brakes and read the “Statement of Convictions” portion of Dominion Dating Member’s Agreement section:
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We declare that Jesus Christ is both SAVIOR & LORD. Salvation is through the cross into the Kingdom, as a gift, unearned, by faith, from start to finish.
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We affirm that the Dominion Mandate, in Genesis 1:28, to “be fruitful & multiple [sic]…and take dominion” teaches that marriage & family is part of the normative plan for joyful obedience from God’s people.
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We affirm male headship as normative in the spheres of family, church, civil governance, and society-at-large, believing that God has endowed men with real, limited authority to govern well for the good of mankind and the glory of God.
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We affirm God’s normative plan for women to exercise dominion in the home as homemaker and helpmate, in glad submission to a husband. We recognize the necessity, at times, for women to seek employment outside the home, but reject “careerism” as normative for women.
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We affirm what God’s Word & our own bodies (sex drive) tell us; that marriage should not be unduly postponed for modern pursuits such as educational attainment or “life experience.” We view dating as an intentional path towards marriage, and reject the cultural idea of “casual dating.”
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We affirm that marriage is not divorced from “being fruitful and multiplying” and that parents are held accountable by God to intentionally raise their kids to know and love God.
The most puzzling part of that section is the exhortation to be “fruitful & multiple”—because no matter how many self-clones I manage to confect in my basement lab, I can guarantee none of them will want to sign up for Dominion Dating.
I also like the wording of this bit, from its “Statement of Commitments”:
We commit to pursuing sexual purity as we prepare for marriage. This includes abstaining from acts of fornication, watching pornography, dressing sensually or immodestly, and entertaining lustful thoughts.
Well, I haven’t always abstained from acts of fornication, but I’ll do my best. On the other hand, “watching pornography, dressing sensually or immodestly, and entertaining lustful thoughts,” while not tops on my bucket list, are all pretty doable.
Also, if any of the Dominion Dating folks are reading this, here’s a Fiverr link for available copy editors. And just in case you’re not already horrified enough ...
Oh, noes! I’m mired in the Feminist and Soy Boy swamps! Whatever shall I do? Incidentally, as a vegan, I don’t self-identify as a soy boy. I prefer to call myself a follower of seitan.
Not sure if this site will take off (it almost has to do better than Frankspeech.com), but I’m skeptical.
What I envision is 999 men desperately trying to prove their worth to the one unmarried woman in America with a fetish for goateed middle-aged Bonanza fans who smell like flop sweat and cheap beef.
But, hey, this is America, where we all have the freedom to follow our hearts, no matter how shriveled and sour they may be.
h/t The Friendly Atheist
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