In the immediate aftermath of Tuesday night’s election results, conservatives have been stumbling around like that soldier in the opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” who keeps looking for his arm on the beach. But it appears they’ve finally zeroed in on a strategy to stanch the new waves of truculent young voters who keep insisting on securing their reproductive freedom: Somehow, some way, they must stop Taylor Swift.
Of course, they can’t be losing because their ideas are deeply unpopular. It must be some sort of deus ex machina that piggybacked in on a Jewish space laser. And so they’ve decided to blame a pop star. And, hey, considering the pop star, they do kind of have a point.
Maybe Swift should start dating George Soros. Not only would that make for an awesome pop song somewhere down the line—and no doubt a catchy portmanteau (Swiftos? Gaylor? Teorge?)—Republicans could also put all their excuses in one (admittedly kind of gross) bucket.
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On Tuesday, Swift used her Instagram Stories to encourage her fans to vote, writing, “Voters gonna vote!” and “It’s Election Day! If you are registered to vote in Colorado, Kentucky, Maine, Mississippi, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Texas or Virginia, it's time to use your voice.”
Conservative commentators didn’t like that. At all. Especially once the results didn’t break their way. How dare she put her thumb on the scale just because most of her fans’ lives could be at stake if Republicans create their preferred utopia, wherein every woman’s womb will be a wholly owned subsidiary of Koch Industries?
Far-right activist Jack Posobiec, a notorious election denier and conspiracy theorist, told his 2.3 million Xwitter followers that Swift, who has approximately—holy shit!—276 million Instagram followers, was “influencing an army of voters.”
For the non-Xweeters!
Republicans still haven't internalized that the Left promotes abortion as a pro-feminism issue. They aren't voting to kill babies, they're voting bc of feminist movies like Barbie and pop stars like Taylor Swift influencing an army of voters
Got that? These silly little girls aren’t voting to protect their lives, their freedoms, and their inalienable right to choose whether or not to be parents. They’re doing it because of the “Barbie” movie. Take that and Taylor Swift’s Instagram away, and those same voters will instantly be mesmerized by Donald Trump’s numerous scintillating “whale-murdering windmills” speeches.
And in case his first comment wasn’t subtle enough, Posobiec also posted to X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, an all-caps newsflash, accompanied by a 58-minute episode of his show on Real America’s Voice that none of us shall watch.
For the non-Xweeters:
BREAKING: THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT, AND TIKTOK THAT IS CRUSHING REPUBLICANS AT THE BALLOT BOX
RNC ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL ON BALLOT HARVESTING
Meanwhile, Charlie Kirk, the influential (though not nearly as influential as Swift) head of the conservative youth group Turning Point USA, warned his radio audience that Swift will no doubt continue to have an outsized influence on our elections.
Insider:
Far-right firebrand media personality Charlie Kirk also went after Swift on his talk radio show on Wednesday, saying that the Republican Party "better have a plan" for the "Anti-Hero" singer's influence over young voters.
"Taylor Swift is going to come out in the presidential election and she is going to mobilize her fans," Kirk warned his viewers on Wednesday, adding, "And we're going to be like, 'Oh wow, where did all these young, female voters come from?' We better have a plan for that."
Kirk continued: "All the Swifties want is swift abortion. That's what they want. It's 100%."
The right-wing host then took a shot at Swift, saying, "We act as if she is like Mother Mary or something. Newsflash, she ain't Mother Mary."
No, she ain’t Mother Mary. That’s true. But if you want to compare the two, there is a brand-new musical out this weekend about Jesus’ birth called “Journey to Bethlehem.” I don’t know anything about it, but if Joseph doesn’t shout “yippee ki yay” at least once as he cuts the umbilical cord with his Jewish pocket laser, I don’t see how you could credibly argue that it’s a Christmas movie.
Of course, while Swift is and will no doubt continue to be an electoral force to be reckoned with—remember her 2020 anti-Trump anthem?—these inveterate right-wing whiners appear to be missing the forest for the Swifties. Swift’s fans are not being brainwashed—just galvanized. They understand what’s at stake, and to suggest otherwise is pretty condescending.
RELATED STORY: Taylor Swift asked fans to register to vote and did they ever
But that won’t stop these wee “wise” men from mansplaining the human uterus. For instance, there was this, from conservative grumblepuss Mark Levin.
For the non-Xweeters:
The truth about yesterday's off year election.
Once dark red Virginia has moved blue because immigrants and federal bureaucrats have flooded into Northern Virginia, which has changed the state politically. In Kentucky, Cameron lost not because Trump endorsed him, as obsessively stupid Trump-hater Chris Christie claims, but because he is a Mitch McConnell protege (McConnell is a Gerald Ford protege) who was not a forceful advocate of conservative principles and Biden's failures. This should be a lesson for Republicans, i.e., RINOs have no winnable message. Republicans will continue to lose on the abortion issue because the Democrat Party and their surrogates spend for more on TV ads than the GOP spends on this issue, and the Democrats use those funds to lie about their true policy, which is abortion until birth, no parental notification, and virtually no regulation at all, and lie about their opponents hating women. The point is people are voting on the propaganda they are being fed not the actual issue.
Okay, Mark, let’s go with that! Also, paragraph breaks are your friend. Keep that in mind.
Remember former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker? He ran for president in 2016 with sky-high hopes after steering his state hard right. His campaign then proceeded to collapse like a poorly crafted cheese curd souffle. Sound familiar? Yup. Ron DeSantis is basically just Scott Walker in heels.
Anyway, Walker has his own theory: Democrats are raising much more money than Republicans! Gee, wonder why.
For the non-Xweeters:
Money drove the losses last night. Liberals had the advantage in every scenario but one. That’s the one we won. Like it or not, money matters as it helps set the terms of the debate. Conservatives need to wake the base up to raise equal amounts or we’re in big trouble.
Golly, what could possibly be behind all these gaudy fundraising numbers? Could it be that Americans are a bit freaked out about losing a right they’d taken for granted for 50 years? Nah, that can’t be it. Must be that “Barbie” movie.
Meanwhile, those bubble-headed Barbie-bots actually showed some human agency in response to conservatives’ latest histrionics. As Insider noted, political activist (and Matt Gaetz destroyer) Olivia Julianna, who has more than 645,000 TikTok followers, posted an excerpt of Kirk’s rant and followed it up with “Swifties … you know what to do.”
Yes, the Swifties do know what to do. And, fortunately for this country, conservatives still haven’t fully woken to the fact that they’ve roused a sleeping va-giant.
So please proceed, Republicans. You’re doing a heckuva job alienating vast swaths of voters. It’s what you do best, honestly.