Nikki Haley is running for president on the premise that she’s marginally less horrifying than the rest of the GOP hopefuls. That’s reason enough to vote for her in the primaries, because if Donald Trump somehow wins the presidency, Steven Seagal’s bathtub attendant will be our next under secretary of state.
Republicans love to claim they’re the party of small government and personal freedom. And if you’re talking about robber barons’ freedom to keep their dragon hoards or a MAGA fan’s freedom to mow down protesters with an AR-15 and still maintain his sterling reputation as an 8chan influencer who persistently smells like Hot Pockets, then yes, Republicans have it all over Democrats.
But if you might ever need an abortion, want a world where autocratic war criminals aren’t encouraged to steamroll neighboring democracies, or prefer to exist incognito online, you may want to look elsewhere for your wee sips of liberty.
Which brings us back to Haley. Even considering the alternatives, we shouldn’t be afraid of a Nikki Haley presidency. Then again, if she floats more policy prescriptions like this, we won’t need to worry.
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During a candidate forum hosted Tuesday by Fox News’ Harris Faulkner, Haley decided to alienate pretty much everyone in the country but your MAGA aunt with the Hotmail account she hasn’t checked since “The Limbaugh Letter” was discontinued.
How? She wants to doxx everyone on the internet. (Or at least that’s what she wanted on Tuesday.) Now that sounds totally workable.
Watch:
Transcript!
HALEY: “When I get into office, the first thing we have to do … social media companies, they have to show America their algorithms. Let us see why they’re pushing what they’re pushing. The second thing is every person on social media should be verified by their name. First of all, it’s a national security threat. When you do that, all of a sudden people have to stand by what they say, and it gets rid of the Russian bots, the Iranian bots, and the Chinese bots. And then you’re going to get some civility when people know their name is next to what they say and they know their pastor and their family member is going to see it. It’s going to help our kids and it’s going to help our country.”
What?! Reveal everyone’s real names? Even Catturd’s? What an outrage!
Also, is Haley really saying we’ll see a new golden age of civility when people are forced to use their real names on social media? Does that mean Trump’s name actually is Fuckface von Clownstick and his incivility is simply a consequence of his slightly less dopey pseudonym? Okay, fine. But how do you explain all that other incivility? Is “Kevin McCarthy” actually a World of Warcraft screen name?
Of course, if Haley was hoping to find an issue that would be unpopular in equal measure with conservatives, liberals, and independents—well, mission accomplished! Recall how peeved Chaya Raichik, the anti-LGBTQ character behind Libs of TikTok, was after The Washington Post slapped her Clark Kent glasses off her face?
Indeed, many conservatives have already clapped back at Haley’s proposal—to the point where she’s been forced to (at least partially) walk it back.
The Associated Press:
By Wednesday, Haley had somewhat amended her stance. Asked on CNBC if she was advocating a ban on all anonymous social media posts, Haley said that, while she believed “life would be more civil if we were able to do that,” she was focused on foreign-based actors, not U.S. citizens.
“I don’t mind anonymous American people having free speech; what I don’t like is anonymous Russians and Chinese and Iranians having free speech,” Haley said, not explaining how would recommend that social media companies parse those users.
Her campaign did not immediately return a message seeking further explanation on how that distinction would be made.
Those campaign crickets are because that distinction likely can’t be made. Though you could go a long way toward eliminating Russian bots if you simply canceled the Xwitter account of anyone who follows Trump or Elon Musk.
It’s also unclear how Haley ever intended to enforce any of this. That’s a lot of basements to invade. Would such a rule apply to gaming platforms? Your right to anonymously blast Nazi zombies in the face with a Gewehr 43 is inalienable. Or it should be.
How about a site like, say, Daily Kos? Would we all have to use our real names under the new Haley Doxx Decree? In case you haven’t figured it out, my name is not actually “Aldous J. Pennyfarthing,” though I’m not above casually dropping that name in conversation if I’m trying to avoid getting seated next to the men’s bathroom at Wendy’s.
Needless to say, reactions to this proposal were pretty harsh.
Meanwhile! Get ready for another Haley walkback in 3, 2, 1 …
Sure, entitlement reform. How about just raising the cap on Social Security taxes? Or do bold new ideas—like creating a new Bot Gestapo—necessarily crowd out old, obvious ones?
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Sorry, Nikki. Donald Trump is the only candidate who can disqualify himself over and over again and still remain viable. These proposals could be your presidential dreams’ death knell. Assuming anyone is paying the slightest bit of attention to your campaign, that is.
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