Turdsday Already?
Via The Lincoln Project, the leader of the MAGA cult weighs in on his party’s official response to last week’s jobs report that was excellent news for the United States economy...
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Stay classy, loser.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 11, 2024
Note: Today is National Pet Day. Be sure to give all your furry and feathered family members a big hug. Or, if your pet is a porcupine or a skunk, perhaps a friendly wave.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 11
Days 'til the Wine Tasting at the Riverbanks Zoo & Botanical Garden in Columbia, South Carolina: 8
Increase in the projection of how large the U.S. labor force could be in 2033, thanks to higher projected immigration: 5.2 million
Annual pace of average hourly pay growth in March: 4.1%
Viewers of the women's NCAA final between South Carolina and Iowa, higher than viewership of the men’s final: 18.5 million
Involuntary manslaughter prison sentences for James and Jennifer Crumbley, parents of Michigan teenage mass shooter Ethan Crumbley: 10-15 years
Length of the pro baseball career of Hank Aaron, who is getting his own postage stamp this year: 23 years
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Ann Richards says one of her frustrations with the Texas legislature is that boys are taught from early on to win—and when someone wins, someone else loses.
Richards thinks girls are socialized to find win/win solutions. My favorite example is what any smart mom does when there are two kids and one cookie. The first kid gets to divide the cookie, and the second kid gets first pick of the halves. You can generally count on the moms of the world to find solutions where nobody loses.
To my mind, while [Bill] Clinton is not batting a thousand (he’s barely batting .500), he deserves bonus points for taking on the toughest problems. We’re looking at twelve years’ worth of domestic problems that have been allowed to fester without action, and he’s the spoon that’s stirring the pot in Washington. He apparently just never counted on whatever is in that pot in Washington becoming more like cement than soup.
—August, 1993
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Puppy Pic of the Day: All things havapoo…
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JEERS to dogs catching cars. The Republican-owned Arizona Supreme Court, huffing only the finest peyote from their corncob pipes, decided that the issue of abortion hadn't damaged the GOP brand quite enough yet. So they dipped their quills in ink and scrawled their latest opinion on the finest cocktail napkin money could buy. Their ruling: no abortion now, no abortion ever, for any reason, ever ever ever. And oh how the abortion-hating Republican candidates did rejoice…if by rejoice you mean turn even whiter as they watched their chances of winning in November circle the drain a little faster:
Republicans in the state issued a wave of statements in opposition to Tuesday's ruling, which came a day after former President Donald Trump said that abortion laws should be decided by states.
Arizona Senate candidate Kari Lake, who two years ago called the 1864 statute "a great law," said Tuesday that it was "out of step with Arizonans.” … Fellow Arizona Republican Rep. Juan Ciscomani said that Tuesday's ruling was “a disaster for women and providers” and that the Civil War-era law was “archaic.”
As Steve Benen notes at The Maddow Blog, the court ruling "rolls back the clock to a point when obstetricians didn’t know they needed to wash their hands." As opposed to today’s Arizona Republicans, who as of Tuesday afternoon became quite aware that they do. (And good luck with that.)
JEERS to re-inflating the balloon. Ever since I joined an exclusive federal task force to analyze, calibrate, and implement our nation's response to high inflation, optimism has never been higher. And although it's a bit early to be nominating me for the Nobel Prize in Economics, I have to say I'm doing the greatest job of any task force member since Lincoln. I ask for nothing in return but the opportunity to give humble thanks to the Biden administration for their faith in me me me me me. And this just in: apparently I’ve just been fired:
Surging gas prices and sky-high mortgages and rent sent inflation rising more than expected in March, adding to Americans’ prolonged and painful battle with high costs.
That could force the Federal Reserve to keep its punishing rates higher for longer.
US consumer prices picked up again last month, vaulting to a 3.5% increase for the 12 months ended in March, according to the latest Consumer Price Index data released Wednesday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
That’s up considerably from February’s 3.2% rate and marks the highest annual gain in the past six months.
Friday’s report further highlights that the path to lower inflation remains extremely bumpy—and continue to be a drag on Americans’ hard-earned finances—and that any loosening of monetary policy might not happen soon.
I’ll show myself out, thanks.
CHEERS to the end of our long national nightmare. One year ago this week the Biden administration made it official: thanks to the dedicated work of scientists, health care workers, and an American public dedicated to the healing power of Ivermectin and bleach injections, the devil's virus was subdued…
President Biden on Monday signed a Republican-authored bill terminating the national emergency over the COVID-19 pandemic, a day before the White House had said the president would unilaterally end national emergency declarations related to the pandemic. […]
The new law immediately ends the national emergency and public health emergency first enacted during the Trump administration and continued through the Biden administration.
Taking an updated peek at the tote board of woe, we see that the pandemic resulted in over 109 million cases of Covid in the U.S., and nearly 1.2 million deaths, among them an entire swath of MAGA cult preachers, politicians, anti-vaxxers, and whatever Herman Cain's title was when he got the 'Rona at a Trump rally. To the rest of you, we say again: good job. Thanks for masking up and getting your Fauci ouchies, and we'll see you on Zoom when the next mystery virus sends us back into lockdown. And to you, China, for your constant lies and cover-ups and refusal to take responsibility for what y'all unleashed: Bless yer hearts.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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(“Please take these items if they are yours”)
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to happy endings. 54 years ago this week, en route to the moon, Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell announced, "Houston, we've got a problem" after Richard Nixon used his Sith powers to cause an oxygen tank to explode. (Did too! Look it up.)
Through sheer brilliance on the part of NASA's team and the crew, they returned safely four days later. A "successful failure" is what they called that mission. Or as it's now also known: Ron DeSantis’s presidential campaign.
CHEERS to swing time. The Masters golf tournament starts today in Augusta, Georgia. Defending champ Jon Rahm (from the foreign and exotic land of Spain) is going for his second green jacket. I know, I know...the Masters is elitism, sexism and corporatism writ large, but it's a gorgeous course and fun to watch. (Vive le conflicted values!) I thought about becoming a pro once, but the magic dissipated when I found out they didn't allow liquor on the course. And I had to walk. And practice. And there's rules. Screw that.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 11, 2014
JEERS to a bunch of cow crap. So if I'm understanding this Nevada ranch thing correctly, this is what happened over the weekend:
"Git offa my propity, Sheriff. And gimme back mah cows."
"Calm down, Bundy, you know it ain't your propity and you ain't paid your taxes."
"Git off it anyway. And gimme back mah cows. My militia boys here are prepared to a' blast ye."
"Okay then. I will do that. And you have a nice day."
Let that be a lesson: right-wing protesters threaten police with murder, the police back off. Left-wing protesters don't threaten police with anything, and the police lay into 'em with batons, pepper spray and rubber bullets. Welcome to America, where our slogan remains "Punch the Hippies."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the really BIG show. Popcorn? Check! Warm Snuggie straight out of the dryer? Check! Warm dog across my lap? Check! Warmed-up TV? Check! Spitballs and shoes ready for throwing at the TV as necessary? Check! Okay, gang, here we go—the impeachment trial of the century not involving a Trump is about to get underway. And, boy howdy, those Republicans are prepared, right down to the dotting of the I's, crossing of the T's, and absolutely nothing can stop their patriotic duty of convicting and removing Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas from office today. I'll just click from the Spice Channel to MSNBC's live coverage, and…
Speaker Mike Johnson's office said Tuesday that it will delay the transmission of two articles of impeachment against Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas—pushing the process' start until next week.
Johnson had said he would send the articles of impeachment to the Senate on Wednesday, which would immediately trigger the Senate's next moves on Thursday. A full-scale trial on the Senate floor is not likely, according to senators and leadership aides---despite what many House Republicans want.
Phooey. Okay, then. Plan B. Anyone want to join me for popcorn and Spice Channel binge-watching? They're showing the award-winning Humppinheimer at the moment. What a bawdy blast.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“Even Ben Franklin understood that in the formation of this nation, if Bill in Portland Maine wasn’t the center of it, then it would fail.”
—Benny Johnson
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