A bison throw a cigarette butt out a window
A flock of geese blow the top off a mountain
A seal cause an oil spill
A raccoon go out and leave all the house lights on
A dog sit in his car with the engine idling for half an hour while eating breakfast and texting, and also bitching about the price of gas
A bobcat fight legislation to lower carbon emissions
A songbird sing "Drill Baby, Drill"
A pride of lions wage war over oil
A honey bee recycle nothing but right-wing talking points
A naked mole-rat assert that our biggest worry is global cooling
A salmon pollute a stream with mercury
An elephant claim that God says it's okay to pillage the world's natural resources because pachyderms are the "chosen ones"
A mockingbird mock public transportation
A polar bear claim that the melting ice caps are no big deal
An armadillo shrug off earthquakes related to fracking
A monarch butterfly buy enough Congress members to retain billions in oil subsidies.
Today is Earth Day, an event we celebrate every year to remind ourselves that we do not, in fact, have to be the biggest parasites on the third rock from the sun. We choose to be. Unlike the other parasites, we know what we're doing to this planet…and how…and why…and the kinds of things we must do to stop turning it into a ball of uninhabitable human-made garbage.
As an inhabitant of this spectacular planet, I'll continue to try and treat it with the respect it deserves, mostly by following the Four Rs: "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, and Rout the Republicans."
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 22, 2024
Note: I spent part of my day yesterday in a crouching position because I noticed the date was 42124. I was glad to learn that it doesn't mean squat.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2024 election: 196
Days 'til the North Carolina Pickle Festival in Mt. Olive: 5
Percent of Tesla's "cyber trucks" being recalled because they couldn’t even design the accelerator correctly: 100%
Drop in Tesla's stock price over the last four months: -25%
Number of new Indigenous territories that have been created in Brazil by President Lula, versus none that were created by his fascist mini-Trump predecessor: 10
Current unemployment rate in Maine, half a point under the national average: 3.3%
Percent of American adults polled by Pew Research who believe marijuana should be legal for both medicinal and recreational use: 59%
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Another day, another green puppy…
-
CHEERS to Christmas in April. Hey, Ukraine, Israel and Taiwan! Ready for a nice surprise? Look under your seats and… YOU get a foreign aid relief package, and YOU get a foreign aid relief package, and YOU get a foreign aid relief package!!!
The package consists off our bills that were voted on separately and will be combined into one before being sent to the Senate. The first three bills include $60.8 billion to help Ukraine in its war with Russia; $26.4 billion to support Israel, which is fighting Hamas and Iran; and $8.1 billion to counter China in the Indo-Pacific. Humanitarian aid for Gaza, which Democrats said was necessary for their support, is also included.
The fourth bill would allow the sale of frozen assets of Russian oligarchs to help fund future aid to Ukraine, potentially force the sale of TikTok and authorize stricter sanctions on Russia, China and Iran. The House approved the fourth bill Saturday in a 360 to58 vote.
112 Republicans, apparently serving as proxies for Vladimir Putin, voted against aid for Ukraine but ultimately failed in their effort to speed up the timetable for Russia's victory, which is now likely impossible. Fearless prediction: all 112 will avoid standing near windows or turning doorknobs for the foreseeable future. (It’s not nice to fail dear leader.)
CHEERS to Showtime!!! The jury is seated. The lawyers are prepped. The judge is polishing his gavel. Social media is in pre-meltdown mode. The New York Times is dutifully thinking up reasons why this is all terrible news for Joe Biden. The defendant is diapered, drugged, and dripping with orange lady makeup. And later this morning the farts hit the fan when Donald J. Trump becomes the first President of the United States to be put on trial for committing felonies in the pursuit of political power:
Trump last April pleaded not guilty to a 34-count indictment charging him with falsifying business records in connection with a hush money payment his then-attorney Michael Cohen made to Daniels in order to boost his electoral prospects in the 2016 presidential election.
"We're going to have opening statements on Monday morning," Judge Juan Merchan declared. He made the pronouncement after admonishing the defense to stop filing letters "targeting individual decisions one by one by one." […]
"I've entertained your motions. I've entertained your arguments," Merchan said. "There's nothing else to clarify. There is nothing else to argue. We are going to have opening statements on Monday. We are starting on Monday."
Today's Day 1 forecast: why, Stormy, of course.
CHEERS to Matzoh Fever. Passover (aka "They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat") begins at sundown and continues through this week. The holiday commemorates Moses's exodus from Egypt three thousand years ago, including his Oscar-winning parting of the Red Sea. I'm not Jewish (my roulette wheel stopped on Episcopalian), but I still like to commemorate it with an abbreviated seder during which I go straight to the four glasses of wine. Thus explaining why in our house the holiday is known as Passout.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to rebuffing rabid Republicans. Seventy years ago today, the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began. The villain was Ann Coulter's hero (really, seriously)—a first-class jerk and pre-Ted-Cruz Ted Cruz named Joseph McCarthy, aided and abetted by future Trump lawyer Roy Cohn (really, seriously)—for whom it went very badly:
[T]he Army–McCarthy hearings ultimately became the main catalyst in McCarthy's downfall from political power. Daily newspaper summaries were increasingly unfavorable toward McCarthy, while television audiences witnessed firsthand the unethical tactics of the junior Senator from Wisconsin.
On December 2, 1954, the Senate voted 67–22 to censure McCarthy, effectively eradicating his influence, though not expelling him from office. …
After his censuring, Senator McCarthy continued his anti-Communist oratory, often speaking to an empty or near-empty Senate chamber.
Turning increasingly to alcohol, McCarthy died of hepatitis on May 2, 1957, at age 48.
Spoiler alert: At long last, he had no sense of decency.
CHEERS to union power. What a coincidence. I was going through my C&Js from April 2014 looking for items for my daily flashbacks, and I came upon this story about an attempt to unionize at a Volkswagen plant in Chattanooga, Tennessee that failed. It's nice to see that ten years of patience and perseverance have paid off, and now the story has a happy ending:
In a seismic union election Friday evening, Volkswagen workers in Chattanooga, Tennessee, voted to join the United Auto Workers Union. The workers voted 2,628 to 985 for union representation, according to a spokesperson for the National Labor Relations Board. […]
The total number of eligible voters was 4,326," according to a statement from the NLRB. … The vote to unionize has the potential to supercharge organizing in the nation's auto sector and demonstrate the strength of a resurgent labor movement through a victory in the South, a region typically resistant to unions. […]
"We respect our workers' right to a democratic process and to determine who should represent their interests," Volkswagen said.
Volkswagen also said: "Verkehrenskeitigungenheits volkeinsmewnschen in der unterimmerschwerenimmel haffensessbegesser." We hear they’re still cleaning the spittle off the microphone.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: April 22, 2014
CHEERS to blowin' this popsicle stand. President Obama jogs up the steps of Air Force One today to embark on a three-day Asia trip:
Administration officials hailed the president's visit to Japan, South Korea, Malaysia and the Philippines as a chance to underscore the United States' commitment to the Asia-Pacific [region], with an emphasis on regional allies. […]
On the trip, Obama will meet with each of the leaders of the four countries. Two of the stops—in Japan and the Philippines—will be official state visits, meaning Obama will attend formal dinners with Emperor Akihito in Japan and President Benigno Aquino in the Philippines.
I'm guessing he might also make an unannounced late-night swing into Afghanistan to say "Hua!" to the troops. But one thing I'm sure of: if he so much as bends one-degree forward in front of a world leader during his trip, Drudge's blinky light will go off and the Bundy standoff will disappear from Fox News in favor of "OMG He Bowed Again"-gate. Some things you can set your watch to.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to Hannibal’s favorite son. Mark Twain, a man whose bullshit detector went to 11, died 114 years ago yesterday, on April 21, 1910. He went out just as he predicted—with Halley's comet. But not before Mr. Samuel Langhorne Clemens pumped out decades of literary brilliance and observational wit whose edge is still razor-sharp:
"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about."
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
"Always respect your superiors; if you have any."
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.”
"It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races."
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.”
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled."
He was anti-slavery, pro-women's rights, clear-eyed about religion, and a supporter of labor unions. Occasionally humorous, too. Pay your respects here. But don’t offer him one of his beloved cigars, please. Those things can kill ya.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“What job are you pretending you didn't go to to be in Cheers and Jeers today?”
—Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
-