Many people have been devoting a good amount of time this week to writing and talking about which Donald Trump is going to show up at his upcoming televised debate on Thursday with President Joe Biden.
Is he going to be Demented Donald, dark overlord of the Retribution Party, spewing a stream of vile matter from his mouth (and his wherever) before a CNN audience of millions? Or will he show up as Disciplined Donald, dark overlord of the Retribution Party, spewing a stream of vile matter from his mouth (and his wherever) before a CNN audience of millions, but dialing back slightly on the rude interruptions that blew up in his face in 2020?
‘Tis an interesting but ultimately pointless exercise, for the convicted felon and flag-molester is going to, as the Brits say, “do a runner.” As desperate as Trump is to change the dynamics of the race in the wake of his conviction in late May on 34 felony counts in a New York criminal court, his fundamental cowardice and palpable desire to avoid humiliation (the feeling he fears most in life) will compel Trump to pull a no-show.
I say this with the full confidence of a man who knows how to hit the “Delete Post” button. So you haters better grab your screenshots now, on the remote chance I’m wrong.
But I don’t think I’ll be wrong because, even though he impulsively took Biden’s bait and agreed to two debates (one in late June and one in September), Trump knows he would be walking into a disaster for the following reasons:
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There will be no audience to whip into a MAGA-moron lather
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Microphones will be cut off, so only one candidate can speak at a time
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He hasn’t prepared
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He’s an idiot
For all his bluster and bragging about his “I’m like, smart” intellect, Trump is fully aware that he won’t be channeling his uncle, legendary MIT Professor John Trump, when he faces questions Thursday from Jake Tapper and Dana Bash that don’t begin with, “You’ve been treated so unfairly by so many people. What keeps you going, besides totally justifiable thoughts of revenge?”
So Trump and his loyal subjects in the media already are laying the groundwork for him to bail out of this “rigged” debate. Look for a combination of the following excuses:
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Sleepy Joe will be given illegal ass-shots during commercial breaks
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Strongly confirmed rumors that CNN is planning to place a shark under Trump’s lectern
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No nap breaks built into debate format — UNFAIR!!!
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Very stupid people who don’t understand television programmed the debate opposite new episodes of Masters of Illusion and World’s Funniest Animals on The CW
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Something something Biden Crime Family
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Unexpected recurrence of debilitating bone spurs in feet of healthiest president in history requires immediate attention of Dr. Ronny Johnson
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Scheduling conflict: Trump invited back by popular acclaim to speak before another adoring audience of Libertarians
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Early tee times are a bitch
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So is Dana Bash
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Trump already won the debate and election, so he doesn’t need you losers
Remember, if Trump does show up Thursday, you never read this.
(From Project Orange: Saving Democracy From the Trump-MAGA Cult)