(From the Mark Ira Kaufman I WISH I WAS MAKING THIS UP! collection)…
I've used the expression Holy shit! Countless times. But this is the first time it ever had a literal application, because the Sooner State has just served up some stinky religious guano.
Oklahoma schools must now teach the Bible and have a copy in every classroom, according to a directive FROM Ryan Walters, state superintendent of public instruction for the Oklahoma State Department of Education. The directive also requires that schools incorporate the Bible, including the Ten Commandments [see To Shalt or Not to Shalt... or something.] as instructional support for grades 5-12 starting in the 2024-25 school year.
“The Bible is one of the most historically significant books and a cornerstone of Western civilization, along with the Ten Commandments,” said Walters. “This is not merely an educational directive but a crucial step in ensuring our students grasp the core values and historical context of our country.”
The directive came days after the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled against what would have been the nation’s first religious charter public school.
This isn't the first time the nation has seen such contempt for the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause. And it won’t be the last.
But it might be the most blatant. And from a superintendent who probably wants to inject morality in the classroom, it might be one of the most ill-conceived. So poorly thought out that this simple Jew wonders how much of the Bible Mr. Walters has actually read.
Since he opened up the classroom to erotica such as the Song of Solomon, I’m guessing he hasn’t read all of it. It's pretty long, and could cover an entire semester. But if the teacher wants a shorter lesson to drive home the point, there's always Ezekiel 23:20…
She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was that of a stallion.
To those of you who haven’t read it, the Song of Solomon is a poem about extravagant lovemaking, male and female oral sex, yearning and searching and hiding and finding, all between two unmarried people, one dark-skinned, and one light.
Breasts are compared to fawns; a man’s penis as sweet fruit and his genitalia as a bag of myrrh; the woman’s as a garden of pomegranates that should be eaten; lips and mouths are honey and milk. It’s hot stuff. And with hormones flowing like the Mississippi River, what could go wrong:
I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots. Your cheeks are comely with ornaments, your neck with strings of jewels. We will make you ornaments of gold, studded with silver. While the king was on his couch, my nard gave forth its fragrance. My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh that lies between my breasts. My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms in the vineyards of En-gedi. Ah, you are beautiful, my love; ah, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. Ah, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely.
I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. As a lily among brambles, so is my love among maidens. As an apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his intention toward me was love. Sustain me with raisins, refresh me with apples; for I am faint with love. O that his left hand were under my head, and that his right hand embraced me!
Your lips distill nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the scent of your garments is like the scent of Lebanon. A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a garden locked, a fountain sealed. Your channel is an orchard of pomegranates with all choicest fruits, henna with nard, nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with all trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, with all chief spices– a garden fountain, a well of living water, and flowing streams from Lebanon. Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden that its fragrance may be wafted abroad. Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits….
How graceful are your feet in sandals, O queenly maiden! Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a master hand. Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower. Your eyes are pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is like a tower of Lebanon, overlooking Damascus. Your head crowns you like Carmel, and your flowing locks are like purple; a king is held captive in the tresses. How fair and pleasant you are, O loved one, delectable maiden! You are stately as a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its branches. Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your kisses like the best wine that goes down smoothly, gliding over lips and teeth. I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me. Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the fields, and lodge in the villages; let us go out early to the vineyards, and see whether the vines have budded, whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love.
The teacher can start off the class with something short, such as Ezekiel 23:20:
She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was that of a stallion.
And all I got in high school was the biology...