Late Night Snark: 2025 Reasons He’s Unfit to Lead Edition
"Project 2025 is a blueprint for Donald Trump's second term. It's basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become reality. It's full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. … The people behind Project 2025 were some of Donald Trump's top aides. But apparently, it's getting a little too controversial for Trump now because he's running away from it like it's a disabled veteran who wants a selfie."
—The Daily Show guest host Desi Lydic
"Project 2025 also plans to maintain a 'biblically-based definition of marriage and family.' They want to return to one man, one concubine, three of his daughters, and one talking donkey. Though I might be thinking of Shrek."
—Stephen Colbert
-
"It's crazy that we're all focused on Joe Biden's mental fitness when the guy at the top of the other ticket is a convicted felon who told us to inject bleach. Sorry, they're just not the same. For example, if you go on vacation who would you rather leave your kids with: your elderly parents or with Jared from Subway? Something to think about."
—Jimmy Kimmel Live guest host Kathryn Hahn
"Disgraced Fyre Festival organizer Billy McFarland is reportedly working for the Trump campaign. Which is the first good news Biden has gotten in weeks."
—Seth Meyers
"According to a new study, self-driving cars have been found to be safer, except at dawn, dusk, or when turning. Fantastic. Enjoy using your self-driving car to get anywhere that's directly in front of you at noon."
—Stephen Colbert
And 15 years ago this week:
"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down, and now we’re at 17."
—Conan O'Brien
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 12, 2024
Note: Due to a torrid tryst with her maintenance man that she can't get out of, Mrs. Gladwin will be late for Pilates class tomorrow. She regrets the inconvenience and says start without her and she'll catch up.
-
By the Numbers:
Starts today!!!
Days 'til autumn: 72
Days 'til the California State Fair & Food Festival in Sacramento: 0!!!
2024 Affordable Care Act enrollment, shattering the previous record set in 2023 by 6 million signups: 21.3 million
Percent increase in new business openings in Bay County, Michigan on President Biden's watch: 12%
Number of musket balls discovered by archeologists at Minute Man National Historical Park in Massachusetts, and traced to the skirmish with the British at Concord Bridge in April 1775: 5
Amount that ice cream companies contribute to the U.S. economy while supporting nearly 29,000 jobs that generate $1.8 billion in direct wages, according to the Census Bureau: $13 billion
Minimum number of mushroom species that glow in the dark: 70
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Shameless fawning…
-
CHEERS to pushing the 'down' button. Last week came news that the U.S. employment picture was still hunky dory under the watchful eye of our 46th president. And yesterday we got word that another wild economic beast they said could never be tamed was in the process of being fitted for a saddle to take the kiddies for rides down at the petting zoo:
Price increases slowed more sharply than expected in June, adding to evidence that high inflation has subsided and potentially clearing the way for the Federal Reserve to lower interest rates that affect everything from mortgages to credit card payments.
This graph cost me $5,999 to commission. Plus tax.
The Consumer Price Index rose 3% year over year in June, slower than the 3.3% annual rate the month before. From May to June, prices fell 0.1%—the first time the monthly reading meaningfully declined since May 2020, early in the pandemic.
Thursday's report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics adds to hopes that the Fed will cut interest rates in September.
The sector where inflation remains sky-high with no sign of abating: D.C. media pundit egos.
CHEERS to getting measured for a team uniform. Under the capable and inspiring leadership of host President Joe Biden, the NATO summit in Washington D.C. was a rousing success. The organization’s 32 members are stronger and more committed to defending each other from Russia than ever, and now it's apparently just a matter of time before it adds a titan of freedom to its ranks:
NATO nation leaders, in a Washington summit declaration released Wednesday, said Ukraine is on an "irreversible path" to NATO membership.
The summit declaration, signed by all 32 NATO nations, offers some of the strongest language yet about the organization's intent to eventually include Ukraine in its membership. […]
NATO 75: yet another foreign policy success for President Biden.
"We welcome the concrete progress Ukraine has made since the Vilnius Summit on its required democratic, economic, and security reforms," the declaration says. "As Ukraine continues this vital work, we will continue to support it on its irreversible path to full Euro-Atlantic integration, including NATO membership.
Once the paperwork is eventually completed and the vote taken, Ukraine will receive a membership pin, certificate of authenticity, and a coupon good for one free victory-over-Russia parade.
CHEERS to a man who knew his way around a one-room cabin in the woods. Happy birthday to Henry David Thoreau, born 207 years ago on July 12, 1817. He told the world to "Simplify! Simplify!" And his writings on civil disobedience influenced many, including Martin Luther King,Jr., who wrote in his autobiography:
I became convinced that noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. No other person has been more eloquent and passionate in getting this idea across than Henry David Thoreau.
“I always imagined my life as a narcissistic doofus. So far, so good.”
—Bill in Portland Maine
As a result of his writings and personal witness, we are the heirs of a legacy of creative protest. The teachings of Thoreau came alive in our civil rights movement; indeed, they are more alive than ever before.
Whether expressed in a sit-in at lunch counters, a freedom ride into Mississippi, a peaceful protest in Albany, Georgia, a bus boycott in Montgomery, Alabama, these are outgrowths of Thoreau's insistence that evil must be resisted and that no moral man can patiently adjust to injustice.
By the way, if you're looking to buy the perfect housewarming gift for a Walden lover, we still say you can't go wrong with a Thoreau rug.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to portable suds. On Tomorrow’s most important date in 1568, a sudserrific scientific breakthrough was made:
Dr. Alexander Nowell, Dean of St Paul's is reputed to have discovered the benefits of bottled beer by accident. According to the History of the Pint, the Dean had decanted some beer into a bottle for a fishing expedition in 1568. He lost a bottle in the grass and, "when he came upon it again quite by chance a few days later, found it was still perfectly drinkable."
The news of bottled beer was hailed as a major breakthrough among the clergy. Try stashing a keg under your robe during morning prayers sometime and you'll see why.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of some of the eyestuff that may end upon your TV this weekend. Chris Hayes and the gang lead things off with live coverage of What The Hell Happened Today on MSNBC. And, as usual, I’ll be live-tweeting a classic episode of Star Trek (the one where the shuttle Galileo makes a forced landing and has to communicate with an alien bundt cake) at 8 via hashtag #allstartrek while watching it on the H&I network. And that's it, really, for tonight, so you might want to dive into something streaming via whatever looks good at Rotten Tomatoes.
My favorite show.
Sports: MLB schedule is here, WNBA is here, and if you’re a tennis fan, Wimbledon is underway and the action continues tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on ABC.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: encore reports on the head of the Wild Animal Sanctuary in Colorado, and an expedition of hope undertaken by Ukrainian families coping with the loss of their loved ones. And Sunday night on HBO’s House of the Dragon, tragedy strikes when the dragon sneezes and sets the place on fire. Oops!
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Face the Nation: Senator Tom Cotton (MAGA Cult-AR); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA); kooky klown Dean Phillips.
Also Sunday: these discarded lamps get into a heated debate over tort reform.
Meet the Press: Bernie!!! Plus: Senators Chris Coons (D-DE) and Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-Trump’s Butt).
This Week: Former Biden White House Chief of Staff; Gov. Brian Kemp (MAGA-GA).
CNN's State of the Union: Senator John Fetterman (D-PA); Senator Ron Johnson (MAGA Cult-Putin’s Butt); Democratic disappointment David Axelrod.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Republican National Committee Chairman Droolface McRabid.
Happy viewing.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: July 12, 2014
CHEERS to high times in the Alki state. Colorado now has company in the world of legalized pot. Washington state started allowing businesses to sell weed for recreational use this week and, well, it was pretty exciting:
The first sale and first customer in Bellingham, a visitor from Kansas, drew all the attention of a Powerball lottery winner. At 8:03 a.m., Cale Holdsworth bought two grams of pot for $26.50 as photographers and TV cameramen recorded the sale for posterity. “What better way to show support and participate,” he said before the sale. He had been waiting in line outside the Bellingham business since 4 a.m. Tuesday.
If Colorado's experience with their new law is any indication, there's one thing Washington is going to need besides more snack aisles: a bigger bank vault.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to putting NASA on notice. Now see here, you government science nerds down there in Florida and Texas and wherever else you're doing your spacey stuff. I've had just about enough of all this foot-dragging. I demand to see new photos from the James Webb space telescope that I helped pay for with my tax dollars or I'm calling the proper authorities. I'll give you to the count to three: one…two…thr
-
Ooh. Pretty. Okay, thanks, you can go back to whatever you were doing. We’ll take over the analysis from here. In addition to the penguin I see twelve nickels, a can of hair spray and a box of Fig Newtons. I knew it—we are definitely not alone.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-