Now folks, I’m just an old Southern country preacher, and I don’t know how things “work” in a big city like Washington, DC but, after seeing Rep. James Comer (Cornpone, KY) lead his House Oversight Committee in a wild goose chase for better than two years, trying to pin something on that sly ol’ criminal mastermind Jugglin’ Joe Biden*, I do believe that it’s time that we put our minds together and find a new hobby for Congress’s only ‘Foghorn Leghorn’ impersonator. Here are a few of the Reverend’s ideas; y’all can pitch in with your suggestions in the comments.
5. Novelist
Like many members of today’s Trumpian GOP, Rep. Comer is a big believer in the “Deep State” and of just about every Q-flavored conspiracy fever-dream that Alex Jones shouts into the abyss of Conservative politricks. In his professional capacity as, well, whatever it is he does (he’s sure not helping out his constituents), Comer has shown a propensity for believing just about any fairytale that every so-called “whistleblower” leaves as a message on his office answering machine, but he’s also displayed an uncanny talent for spinning more than a few tall tales of his own (re: Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, et al). Dan Brown has mined gold in the conspiracy field with over 200 million books sold, but he hasn’t published a new tome since 2017, so there’s money being left on the table among consumers of this sort of thing. Maybe it’s time for Comer to pick up his quill pen and spew out his literary fantasies. I bet that Steve Bannon would even let him hype his book on his YouTube show…when he gets out of prison, that is.
4. Country Singer
Although I personally find Rep. Comer’s voice to be somewhat irritating with its slow-thinking, meandering, Southern drawl mannerisms and rural affectations that have been eschewed by generations growing up in relatively sophisticated environs like Louisville, Nashville, or Birmingham, the level of twang that he brings to the barn dance is undeniable. Given that his political career seems to always be on the verge of flaming out in some sort of spectacular spectacle of controversy and scandal, maybe it’s time that Comer picked up a geetar and became a country singer. Given his current ‘culture war’ obsessions, the songs would literally write themselves: “The Hunter Biden Blues,” “The Gay Agenda Is Coming For Our Children,” “Sixteen-Hundred Acres and A Broke-Down Mule,” or “The KKK Took My Baby Away” (uh, sorry…the Ramones already did that one…).
3. Character Actor
Much like his distant cousins the Clampetts, perhaps Comer would be happier if he packed his bags and moved to Beverly Hills to pursue a career as a character actor. I realize that the comedic cliché of the ignorant “Southern blowhard” is relatively unpopular these days among you Blue State folks, but it fits Rep. Comer like a greasy old NASCAR t-shirt. His frequent TV appearances on Fox News and NewsMax show that he’s as comfortable on the screen as a catfish in a pond, and he’s already proven that he can regurgitate the lines fed to him by the GOP’s scriptwriters. Now all he needs is a Dukes of Hazzard reboot and he’d be set for life portraying the “Boss Hogg” character since Sorrell Booke** went to Jesus many years ago.
2. Fantasy Football
Rep. Comer seems to be a big fan of numbers – the bigger, the better! He’s always yammering on about the “Biden Crime Family” extorting billions of dollars from those poor Chinese fellows, so maybe it’s time he got a hobby that allows him more time to play with imaginary numbers. Fantasy Football would be the perfect pastime, as he could buy and sell athletes for millions and trillions of dollars, just like his grandpappy did; there would be plenty of statistics needing ciphering; and he could create new ways to cheat at the games. Winner winner, chicken dinner!
1. Coon Hunting
Given Rep. Comer’s proud Southern heritage, this particular hobby seems to be the best fit among all these suggestions. It checks ALL the required boxes for today’s GOP politician on the go – he’d get to play with guns, wear camouflage clothing, prance around in the woods, make mean noises at squirrels, plow through farmer’s fields in four-wheeled ATVs, and cuss at every missed shot. On the positive side, considering the Comer hasn’t hit a single target he’s aimed at for over two years now with his “investigations,” no raccoons would be harmed by this endeavor…unless they laugh themselves to death, that is.
* Why “Jugglin’” Joe? It’s quite obvious, really, as Biden continues to confound the GOP by juggling two different and clashing personas – the diabolical tyrant with insane plans to provide basic human dignity and autonomy to every American AND the confused, doddering old fool who can’t tell sweet corn from a can of creamed. Believe me, the dichotomy keeps many a Republican politician awake at night, as well as more than a few NewsMax producers…
** Fun fact: Sorrel Booke, the character actor who portrayed ‘Jefferson Davis “Boss” Hogg’ in The Dukes of Hazzard, was actually born in Buffalo NY; he enrolled in Columbia University at 16, where he performed in Shakespearean plays; and he graduated from Yale School of Drama with a Master of Fine Arts degree…why, he wasn’t Southern at all! But he was a Korean War vet, so I’ll let him slide…
(The preceding is a work of satire and no offense was meant to anybody except members of the GOP, and who cares what they think?)