Late Night Snark: Change the #!%!!& Channel Edition
"Former president Trump picked Ohio Senator J.D. Vance to be his running mate. Vance is an Ivy League-educated attorney. Can we see a picture? There he is. I didn’t realize Cabbage Patch Kids made bearded dolls. He looks like a Civil War re-enactor who shops at Men's Wearhouse."
—Jimmy Fallon
"The main theme of night two [at the RNC convention] was 'Make America Safe Again,' which got off to a bad start when Rudy Giuliani did an impression of his net worth and plummeted to the ground. Don't worry, he's fine. Fortunately the only thing that can hurt Rudy is garlic and holy water."
—The Daily Show guest host Ronny Chaing
"Yes, Republicans apparently are now pro-workers and pro-union. I hope somebody tells all the Republican governors who passed 'right to work' anti-union laws in their states...and all the Republican-appointed judges who made it easier to break unions...and Donald Trump himself who helped kill a bill that would've protected unions."
—Jon Stewart, on Sean O'Brien being the first Teamsters president to accept a speaking role at the Republican convention
"Look at that guy. That is a perfect Central Casting asshole. If you were a decent person, and you were about to embark on a year-long campaign to try and become the best asshole you could ever be, this is the picture you tape to your fridge."
—Seth Meyers
Clip of MAGA Sen. Tim Scott at convention: I know this is going to offend the liberal elites, but let me say it one more time: America is not a racist country.
Guest host Anthony Anderson: Attention, large crowd of white people: America is not a racist country. Thanks, Uncle Tim…or Tom, whatever you go by.
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Some climatologists say this extreme weather is related to global warming. But thankfully the Republicans have a plan for that outlined in Project 2025: disband climate research and dismantle the agency that's home to the National Weather Service. The plan is to privatize the National Weather Service and to fully-commercialize its forecasting operations. So get ready for tornado warnings brought to you by Draft Kings. Draft Kings: now there's two ways to lose your house."
—Stephen Colbert
"President Biden is considering endorsing changes to the Supreme Court, including term limits and a code of ethics. When he heard that, Justice Clarence Thomas was so shocked his monocle popped out and landed in his caviar."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 19, 2024
Note: Today is Daiquiri Day. Daiquiris are the brainchild of Jennings Stockton Cox, who invented the drink in the Cuban mining town of—are you sitting down?—Daiquiri. Tonight in the C&J cantina we’ve got beer. Sorry, no daiquiris. We drank ‘em all last night. Bad planning. Oops. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
6 days!!!
Days 'til the Democratic convention: 31
Days 'til Michigan’s Munger Potato Festival: 6
Years since violent crime was as low as it is now: 50
Current U.S. inflation rate: 3%
Increase in industrial production in June: 0.6%
Year the first person crossed Niagara Falls via tightrope: 1859
Year Marilyn Monroe was crowned Miss California Artichoke Queen: 1947
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dog sitter…
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CHEERS to Bidenomics. Recession fears have evaporated. Employment is chugging along. Inflation is low. Builder sentiment is high. Interest rate cuts are nigh. And now we just got another scoop of economic Dark Brandon Swirl on our sugar cone:
Just 13% of workers in the U.S. are now earning less than $15 an hour; two years ago, that number was 31.9%, per new data from Oxfam.
Thanks for spelling it out for us, Scrabble.
Even accounting for inflation — $15 an hour in 2024 has the same buying power as about $14 in 2022 — this is remarkable progress. […]
Wages are higher now in part because of inflation, and a strong labor market where lower-wage employees are still in high demand. But it's also due to the work of advocates who pushed for minimum wage increases for more than a decade.
Things have changed so much that Fight for 15, the group founded more than a decade ago to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour, changed its name this year to Fight for a Union.
"Hooray, more purchasing power for essentials that Americans need," said Democratic leaders. "Hooray, more money we can extract from the gullible and give to the rich," said Republican leaders.
JEERS to chaos and carnage. The good news: the four-day Heritage Foundation Project 2025 cult rally is over. The bad news: the ghost of the guy who choreographed the Nuremberg rallies gave it an F for lack of spectacle, oompah bands, armbands, and stiff-armed salutes...but A for effort. (I chose to watch reruns of Star Trek instead.) Now we get a brief respite before our own convention next month, during which Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff will square off against George Clooney and Jon Stewart over who gets to yank the microphone out of Joe Biden's hand and draw our new 2024 nominee's name out of a hat. The three most important words between now and then: Plan. Your. Vote. Almost as important: Stock. Liquor. Cabinet.
CHEERS to comeuppance. 50 years ago Sunday, on July 21, 1974, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against Richard "Okay, I Guess I Am A Crook After All" Nixon. That same day, he was giving a speech at a private home in Bel Air, California. Let's see... He talked about the host's fine tent. He talked about the struggle between Greece and Turkey. He talked about his trip to Egypt. He talked about some former administration officials. And then he toasted his audience with a fine whine:
"You wonder sometimes, and I am often asked, you know, how do you really take the burden of the Presidency, particularly when at times it seems to be under very, very grievous assault.
Let me say, it isn't new for it to be under assault, because since the time we came into office for 5 years, we have had problems.
Buh bye.
There have been people marching around the White House when we were trying to bring the war to an end, and we have withstood that, and we will withstand the problems of the future."
He forgot to add four crucial words: "...for 19 more days."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to one of South Dakota's biggest moral compasses. Disproving the theory that only the good die young, World War II hero (35 combat missions as a B-24 pilot), former Senator and Democratic presidential contender George McGovern—whose gravestone lists his first accomplishment as humanitarian—made it to 90, and would’ve been 102 today.
One of the good guys.
If he'd been elected in '72, the Vietnam War would've ended sooner, progressive values would've sunk their roots deeper into the American consciousness, and the integrity of the office of the President would've held fast. Instead we re-elected a corrupt, paranoid, scheming, power-obsessed Republican loon who ended up trashing the office of the presidency. Thank god we learned our lesson from that experience, huh.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Look. It’s the middle of summer, everything’s reruns, and the networks are basically just a weekend banquet of fighting shows, game shows, news shows, dating shows, and cop shows. So take your pick and God bless.
The dreaded Boris Johnson hole at the British Open has dashed many hopes.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. The WNBA All-Star Game is tomorrow night at 8:30 on ABC. And even if you don't give a caddie's p'tootey about golf, chances are you'll take an occasional cursory look at the leader board for the 152nd British Open (7am tomorrow and Sunday on NBC), happening at Royal Troon, home to the dreaded kidney pudding traps and lakes of flaming haggis.
Or, if you simply prefer brain torture, take your pick of these fine Sunday morning lineups, during which the Republican cultists will spout bullshit conspiracy theories unchallenged, while the Democrats will instantly be shut down because their reliance on facts and common sense might offend sensitive viewers:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Senator Joe Manchin (Joe Manchin-WV); House porn-app hobbyist and Speaker Mike Johnson (MAGA-LA); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA).
If they’re looking at the Sunday shows? Yup.
Face the Nation: Biden campaign co-chair Cedric Richmond; Joe Manchin again; Dean Phillips; Rep. Mike Turner (MAGA Cult -OH).
CNN's State of the Union: Governor Jared Polis (D-CO); Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC); House Speaker-in-Tongues Mike Johnson (MAGA Cult-LA); Joe Manchin AGAIN???
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Hapless scandal non-finder Rep. James Comer (MAGA Cult-KY); Rep. Jake Auchincloss (D-MA).
Happy viewing!
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15 years ago in C&J: July 19, 2009
CHEERS to mysteries solved. Sonia Sotomayor, now being vetted as a Supreme Court justice, says she's a fan of Perry Mason. But when Senator and Judiciary Committee member Al Franken (also a Mason fan) grilled her on the name of the one case that the famed TV lawyer lost, she drew a blank (and, we would add, so did Franken). Fortunately, as her most trusted volunteer research assistant, I've got the answer:
"The Case of the Deadly Verdict." 10/17/1963. But it wasn't his fault. His client withheld evidence needed to win.
Yeah yeah...that's what they all say.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the master of suspense. Four years ago I vowed to keep you regularly updated on the progress of one of former President Donald J. Trump's signature promises. On July 16th, 2020, he vowed that he was going to ride, with tears in his eyes, through all the towns in all of the United Stateses of Americas and give presents to all the good little peasants. Reported AP writer Jill Colvin at the time:
Trump says he'll be announcing "many exciting things" over the next 8 weeks, "things that nobody has even contemplated, thought about, thought possible," with "levels of detail and levels of thought that a lot of people believed very strongly we didn't have in this country."
Yes, yes, yes, we realize that it's been a lot more than eight weeks. But, to be fair, it takes a long time to plan an exciting thing, let alone "many" of them. So while we continue to wait for the ex-president to unveil his un-contemplatable things of great detail, C&J will continue opening each morning's little door on our Many Exciting Things Advent Calendar to see what un-contemplatable goodie he's left inside for us. I plucked out the morsel for Day 1,368, and all I can say is, don’t eat it. It's not chocolate.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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