There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call "The DailyKos Snarky Zone..."
** DISCLAIMER — THIS IS SNARK, NOT SERIOUS **
BREAKING:
Good evening,
I am Sinai, and I am your host on tonight’s broadcast of the O.M.A.N. Network (Out of My Ass News).
In a stunning turn of events, presumed DNC Presidential Nominee Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has been called upon to not only drop his candidacy for reelection as President of the United States, but has also been called upon to resign as the current President, issue an executive order to rescind all of his decisions over the past three and a half years, and kiss Donald Trump’s ass 69 times whilst flicking off a live audience of American voters.
Biden was told last week, after the first Presidential Debate, he might have some slack cut for him for 30 seconds if he could demonstrate he could:
1) Do 40 backflips
2) through hula hoops that have been lit on fire
3) while holding two 50lb dumbbells in each hand
4) across 40 platforms that are each five feet apart
5) over a pool filled with sharks that have laser beams attached to their foreheads
6) whilst shouting “Sally sells sea shells by the seashore.”
Even though Biden has accomplished harder and more impressive things during his Presidency, nothing can protect him from the latest news.
Former DNC officials have risen from the grave to tell Biden that he HAS to step aside, or else he will make people with money angry. The officials who have returned to us with this message are:
John F. Kennedy.
Lyndon B. Johnson.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and
Woodrow Wilson.
They have all come back from the dead to tell Biden that he is “too old” to win against an outed fascist, and that “most of them know a thing or two about being old.”
We do not have any audio or video to confirm what we just said, but there isn’t any video or audio to deny our claim, therefore we are correct.
This report also comes from multiple trustworthy sources we cannot cite. OMAN Network denies that the addresses of our previous sources came from zip codes in Moscow, Riyadh, or Beijing.
Just trust us, bro.
And in other news, Donald Trump has announced he will be President forever. He may be crazy, but at least he isn’t too old at 78. OMAN Network stands by its pledge to support the ignored 1% of the population because after all, “It’s lonely being a the top.”
** and snap back to reality **
Everybody just take a deep breath and walk around for a bit. Biden isn’t going anywhere. Take another deep breath, call your representative, and scream “Biden isn’t going anywhere, you sell outs!” Then, hang up, watch something funny on the TV, spend a day with your friends or family, and then let’s get back to work on winning this thing.