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And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Note: Today's C&J is paired with a 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. Please deposit $144,000 into my Cayman Islands bank account. Then stand in your front yard, hold your glass, like, real steady, and wait for the wine steward’s helicopter to come by and pour sometime between now and noon. Enjoy! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
4 days!!!
Days 'til the Summer Olympics in Paris: 17
Days 'til the Food Truck Festival in St. Paul, Minnesota: 4
Current U.S. unemployment rate: 4.1%
Jobs created in the health care sector last month: 48,600
High temperature in Death Valley on Saturday, breaking the daily record of 127 set on July 6, 2007: 128F
Number of U.S. employees who would be protected under President Biden's proposal requiring employers to identify heat hazards, develop emergency response plans related to heat illness, establish rest breaks and provide shade and water: 36 million
Years since Ohioan William DeHart Hubbard became the first Black athlete to win an individual gold medal at the Olympics (in the long jump): 100
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Puppy Pic of the Day: This pootie's in no mood to play with a fuzzy sausage…
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CHEERS to circling the berets. France's non-fascist parties had but two possible outcomes for their La Cage Au Snap elections: stay divided and watch Putin's pet Marine Le Pen suck all the joie de vivre out of daily life…or come together and preserve freedom and all that glorious health care and vacation time. One by one—but very quickly—third-party candidates dropped out of the race to shore up votes for the left (or left'ier) candidate on their ballots. And when the Camembert settled, the result was imperfect…but enough:
Election results show French voters have chosen to give a broad leftist coalition the most parliamentary seats in pivotal legislative elections, keeping the far right away from power. Yet no party won an outright majority, putting France in an uncertain, unprecedented situation. […]
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Supporters of the left gathered in central Paris Sunday night to heave a collective sigh of relief as exit polls showed the French far-right's dream of taking power had been dashed. […]
Macron may seek a deal with the moderate left to create a joint government. Such negotiations, if they happen, are expected to be very difficult because France has no tradition of this kind of arrangement.
Whatever happens, we do know this: they'll do it drolly while munching on a baguette as an accordion plays softly in the distance.
TALLY HO! to circling the British Empire. While we're on the international beat, let's cross the Channel via the Chunnel and see how Britain's banishment of the conservatives is going five days after the political earthquake that nearly toppled Stonehenge:
Delivering our clean power mission will help boost Britain’s energy independence, save money on energy bills, support high-skilled jobs and tackle the climate crisis. We are therefore committed to doubling onshore wind energy by 2030. That means immediately removing the de facto ban on onshore wind in England, in place since 2015.
We are revising planning policy to place onshore wind on the same footing as other energy development in the National Planning Policy Framework (NPPF).
These changes take effect today (8 July 2024)
For once, I won't hold it against politicians for being long-winded.
JEERS to going out with a bing. Oh dear...when you're a fierce and legendary general who becomes President of the United States, it's gotta be a little embarrassing to die from eating bad fruit. But that's what happened 174 years ago today "#12" Zachary Taylor. I believe his last words were: "Bad cherries??? No way. Seriously, guys, this is a joke, right?" Sorry, dude—life is just a bowl of you-know-whats.
The last cherry stem tied by Taylor with his tongue is currently on display in the Smithsonian’s “Ick!” wing.
Pay your respects here. And then try to remember who succeeded him without going to the Google or the Wiki. (Hint: it wasn't Millard Fillmore. Oh, wait, yes it was. Crap...I meant to write Gerald Ford. Now you know why I’m not a professor. Or a quizmaster.)
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to bad birthday boys. The late O.J. Simpson turns 76 today. And for the first time in recent memory, no one will be afraid to be near his house for the cutting of the cake.
JEERS to trying to pull a fast one. It's bad enough discovering that our nation's passenger aircraft appear to be held together with spit and baling twine (although, to be clear, industrial strength spit and baling twine). We also have to worry about all the weird shit passengers are trying to sneak onto them. The TSA is never out of stories of crazy stuff they discover in people's pockets, pants, purses, pouches, parcels, and portmanteaus. We’ll file this, as we always do, under Idiots Who Fly Among Us:
"We've seen anything from chainsaws on carry-on baggage [and] we've seen larger power tools and saws," Michael Duretto, deputy federal security director for Los Angeles International Airport, tole CBS News senior transportation correspondent Kris Van Cleave. "Recently, we saw a hobby rocket—but it was a large rocket—that came to our checked baggage."
“Oh, stewardess! There’s been a mix-up. I ordered my stabby sandwich on wheat bread...”
Other strange things TSA agents have intercepted so far this year include:
- Throwing knives, such as those used by ninjas
- Samurai sword
- Machetes
- Bag of snakes
- Tasers
- Replica hand grenade
- Electric sander
- Fireworks
TSA agents discovered a record 6,737 firearms at airport security checkpoints last year—most of them loaded.
The main takeaway message from this story: I love Amtrak.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 9, 2014
JEERS to the circle of life, minus the life part. Here's an update on what's happening in Israeli-Palestinian relations:
Palestinians were killed out of revenge for killing Israelis, but not before Israelis were killed out of revenge for killing Palestinians, but not before Palestinians were killed out of revenge for killing Israelis, but not before Israelis were killed out of revenge for killing Palestinians, but not before Palestinians were killed out of revenge for killing Israelis, but not before Israelis were killed out of revenge for killing Palestinians, but not before Palestinians were killed out of revenge for killing Israelis, but not before Israelis were killed out of revenge for killing Palestinians, but not before……
Coming tomorrow: Part 2 in our 235-part series.
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And just one more…
Remember when former Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe brought a snowball on the floor to prove “global cooling”? Today he’s stuffing them down his pants in Tulsa to keep from bursting into flames.
JEERS to swelter skelter. [Sigh] Here we go. Summer in Maine has kicked into high gear. It’s hazy and hot with 140% humidity and something called a "dew point" that causes storm clouds to form in our living room. Thankfully, we Mainers have a handbook on how to deal with insufferable summer weather, and it's worth revisiting.
Step 1: put long johns in the freezer overnight.
Step 2: affix ice cubes to earmuffs with rubber bands.
Step 3: Drink 'til you pass out and pray a cold front moves through while you're unconscious.
If anyone asks what the sweetest sound in the English language is today, my answer is: "September."
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
There’s some tried and true methods that can keep Bill in Portland Maine away from you and your family, whether you opt for traditional bug spray or consider natural alternatives.
—USA Today
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